What If She Forgets Me?

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200 words, compassion, courage, dementia, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, laughter, Life's like that, living in the moment, love, memories, Mom, Relationships

Mom in the Dominican Republic

This loss spills out over things I never thought it would touch and i am shattered by the falsehood of permanence.

– Chloe Frayne

She’s slipping away, bit by bit. In many ways I’ve already lost the woman I’ve known as mother all my life. She’s being replaced with a new woman, one who has endearing qualities of her own, one who although a stranger to me, I’m struggling to know.

What a conundrum to build a new relationship, when memories created moments ago, are forgotten as quickly as they are experienced.

Yet what a gift it is in teaching me how to ‘live in the moment, love in the moment,‘ right in the moment we have.

She may not remember my visit, or the laughs we shared at the dinner table, or the conversation we had on the phone, or that the big-comfy-after-bath-housecoat I bought her, is hanging in her closet, but I hope with all my heart, the love shared in these moments transcends the moments, and makes its home in her heart forever, even if one day, she forgets me.

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

I’ll remember for us both, love you mom.

 

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7 Things Dad would want you to know

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believe, caring, children, courage, Dad, death, Diana Schwenk, family, Fear, friends, generosity, grief, growing up, happy, health, Hump Day Chronicles, joy, kids, laughter, life, lifetime, living in the moment, loss, love, memories, Mom, parents, Relationships, sadness, stories, Stuff my parents used to say and do

This post has been sitting in my draft folder since December 2015, just a short month after Dad passed. It hasn’t felt right to publish it until now. ♡

*******

Dear Mom,

I’ve been thinking about you and Dad and our family.

In particular, I’ve been thinking about how Dad and I could just sit in the same room, not saying anything, yet somehow be on the same page. And I’ve been thinking about some of the conversations Dad and I have had over the years and I think there are at least seven things that Dad would want you to know.

I’ve listed them below in the form of a letter to you from Dad.

Meine Liebe Salat Schnecke,

1.       Don’t ever doubt how much I loved you

Remember our Wedding night? It wasn’t a fancy party. We did the best we could though and we had fun right? I can still see you running through the street singing in the middle of the night when you’d had a little too much to drink.

What the neighbours must have thought!

But I didn’t care, you seemed happy and honestly Margot, I may not have been able to express myself well, but that’s what I wanted for you. I always wanted you to be happy.

I knew how hard your life had been, I wanted to show you how good it could be.

Remember when we arrived in Canada and once we got on our feet a bit? You have no idea how happy it made me to see you eat butter, eat at a restaurant, eat fruit and cakes and whatever you could get your hands on. Remember that time I brought a dozen lemon donuts home when you were pregnant and you ate 11 of them? I didn’t mind that there was only one donut left for me.

It made me smile to watch you eat all the foods you missed in your childhood.

2.       Building our family

I know you were scared and so determined that our children would never be harmed like you had been. I was shocked that time you would even think I might hurt them but I grew to understand where this fear came from. I loved our kids – I would have done anything for them, and I think I was able to convince you of that with time, right?

No regrets Margot.  Don’t ever underestimate the value of what we were able to give our kids. Sure we weren’t perfect parents, we made mistakes along the way, but we did everything to the best of our ability for them and I think they turned out pretty good, don’t you?

3.       Our 50^th anniversary

Mom and Dad’s 50th Anniversary

Wasn’t that a fun party, Margot? I was so excited to celebrate with you. You looked so beautiful in that blue dress, I was so proud beside you in my new suit. And look how many friends came to celebrate with us!

And our trip to Germany! Yes Canada was our home now, but how wonderful it was to go to the place where we met and married to celebrate our 50^th.

4.       You were a real handful sometimes

A fighter. A hard worker. You had fire in your eyes!

Yeah there were times I wished you would just calm down, relax a little. Just let go of stuff, but maybe it was your pushing that got us as far as we got. And even when you were angry, I knew it was because you were afraid that things wouldn’t work out – those ghosts from the past were haunting you. I knew that you were fighting for the very best.

And you know what? I think I may have originally been drawn to that about you. You have spunk!

I mean who else would have moved to a new country, not knowing the language to start a new life with me? I chose well. You were the right partner for me.

You worked just as hard as me. Remember our job at that summer camp? Picking apples?  Making hats? And all the other jobs we had until I got that job at Kraft Foods and we bought our first home? And even then you cleaned houses to help out with the expenses. Yes we worked hard for what we built.

5.       Regrets

Maybe I could have been more supportive at times. Like when you were seasick on our voyage to Canada or when you broke your ankle. Maybe I could have told you more how much I appreciated you. I just never was one for words. But make no mistake; I was grateful and I really cared about you, even if I wasn’t very good at saying it.

6.       The last few years

I know how hard it was for you to watch me on the couch in pain. It was hard for me too. I wanted to be healed. And sometimes you made me angry when you pushed so hard for me to get up or exercise. But when I would think about it, I knew you were scared. I knew you meant well.

But the hardest thing, Margot was to see what my poor health was doing to you. You were so brave. That’s why I tried so hard to be brave too. That’s why I tried not to complain even when I couldn’t drive the car anymore. You did everything. I really wish I could have helped around the house more. I was so sure I would get better and things would go back to normal. But I didn’t. I’m so sorry things didn’t work out the way we had hoped. If I had known that I wouldn’t get better, perhaps we could have made arrangements that would have made the last years easier for both of us.

7.       Now that I’m gone

Our last few years together were hard, and I am so thankful for all you did for me. I know you’re sad and that you must grieve – after all we spent 56 years together, one doesn’t get over that quickly. But don’t just remember the last years. Remember the fun times. The family vacations. The German Club New Year’s dances. When I taught you how to drive. Those nights we walked around the block when the kids were in bed.

And don’t grieve too long. There is so much more for you to experience. Spend time with our kids, our grandkids, our wonderful friends. Get back out there doing the stuff you love to do. Simplify your life. Laugh, live and love. Life is far too precious to do otherwise. Grab onto life with both hands and enjoy it as much as you can. And know that when your time comes, I’ll be here, waiting for you.

Dein Mann, Heinz

The Strength You Gave Me

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Margot with Diana

The more a daughter knows the details of her mother’s life […] the stronger the daughter.

― Anita Diamant, The Red Tent

On Mother’s Day I think of you. Of all the things you gave me. All the things you taught me. All the ways you sacrificed so I could have a good childhood.

And I did mom. So much better than the life you had as a child. I know you sometimes recount all the mistakes you think you made with us. But don’t you know that you gave so much more than you could ever have dreamt for yourself when you were a child? Don’t you know that you broke the cycle of alcoholism and abuse allowing your children to never have to know that torment?

And your strength, even now. Even in this time when you face the harsh reality you never dreamed would happen alone, instead of the plans you had with dad for your golden years, even now I see that strength. That strength you taught me in deed and in word. The strength that I have inside me because of you.

Thanks for that Mom.

Happy Mother’s Day.

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

The Ring With The Blue Stone

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children, Dad, death, Diana Schwenk, family, foundation, gift, good character, grief, growing up, History, Hump Day Chronicles, lessons, life, Life's like that, love, memories, Mom, parenting, safe, Stuff my parents used to say and do, values

My parents in 1960 and the ring with the blue stone

When you want to build something, you start with a good foundation. When you want to understand something, you start with the fundamental pillars of the subject. In other words, you learn the history, the mechanics of it, the whys and whats and wheres.

In the same way,  when you feel lost, it helps to go back to where you began so you can remember where you came from, what you have learned about this business of living, what you truly long for in life, and how you can get it and how you can share your gifts with the world. Sometimes you grab onto a symbol of the past and carry it with you like a talisman that you can look at, or touch when you need to be grounded.

Since Dad passed away, I’ve been in kind of a fog. I got the basics covered, you know…  I wake up, brush my teeth, shower, dress, exercise, go to work, eat, go to bed and start it all over again the next day. 

But I’ve lost a bit of my oomph.

A bit of my zest for life.

Dad was always my rock.

He had this way of making me feel secure and letting me know that he was there for me, no matter what.

My Plan B, if Plan A should fail.

Although I rarely resorted to Plan B, I knew I could if I had to, I knew it was there if I needed it.  

This past New Year’s Eve, as I was deciding which piece of jewelry to wear for an event I was attending, I came across the ring with the blue stone. The ring that cost forty dollars in 1960 and took Dad several weeks of saving so he could buy it for Mom to celebrate their first anniversary.

Dad was so upset when Mom gave me that ring almost thirty years later. But I’m so glad she did, so I could find it on the last day of 2016 and slip it on my finger. And with the wearing of it, remember the values he taught me and the traits he exemplified; like a good work ethic, empathy, diplomacy, loyalty and strength of character.  

What a gift!

What a great foundation from which to find my way again!

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Those Blue Shorts Dad Used to Wear

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British Columbia, Canada, Dad, Diana Schwenk, dreams, family, growing up, Hump Day Chronicles, Life's like that, love, memories, Mom, parents, Pinantan Lake, Relationships, Stuff my parents used to say and do

The other day in the early hours of the morning I was sleeping and in my dream Dad was waking me up. I opened my eyes and he was wearing those blue shorts he used to wear and an undershirt. It was a younger version of Dad and he was handing me a gift…

I woke up thinking, I got to remember this dream and the gift. Later in the day I’d forgotten the gift. I should have written it down when I woke up.

“Those blue shorts. Man I saw him clear as day in that dream,”  I thought to myself. And then yesterday after work,  I remembered I had a picture of him, wearing those shorts and an undershirt!

Mom was always good at taking pictures. I still joke that if I go to the bathroom, I have to lock the door to prevent Mom from coming in to take a picture. But back in 1985, Mom and Dad came to visit me in Pinantan Lake. They’d flown to Calgary, rented a car and drove through the Rocky Mountains to see me.

Mom with Dad wearing those blue shorts and undershirt

Dad, me and Mom at Paul Lake

Me, Shannon and Dad

Mom and Dad on the last day of their visit to Pinantan Lake

It occurs to me as I write  this post, that Dad was two years younger than I am today back then and in my dream it’s sort of like two peers connected for a moment in time. And maybe that’s all the gift I really need to remember. I miss you so much Dad, thanks for visiting in my dreams.

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Have you ever looked at picture of your parents at the age you are now and wondered what it would have been like to hang out with them as peers?

Happy Mother’s Day Mom!

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Margot with Diana

No language can express the power, and beauty, and heroism, and majesty of a mother’s love. It shrinks not where man cowers, and grows stronger where man faints, and over wastes of worldly fortunes sends the radiance of its quenchless fidelity like a star.

Edwin Hubbell Chapin

For making our lives a 1000 times better than yours had been.

For baking a European-quality cake every Sunday and feeding it to us for breakfast with a vitamin every morning.

For preparing delicious home-cooked meals every day and cooking our favourite meal on our birthdays.

For reading to us every night. For singing ‘You are my Sunshine.’ For brushing my hair while we watched TV. For helping us with our homework. For teaching us manners, good work ethic, respect, honesty and integrity.

For making sure that we went on outings to get fresh air by visiting the zoo, going on a picnic, going to the park, going to the beach, going on a bike ride, taking a walk and so many other things. Things that you did not experience as a child.

For all these things and more, thank you and Happy Mother’s Day Mom!

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

Happy 77th Birthday Mom!

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Berlin, Birthday, Canada, children, family, Germany, growing up, happy, joy, kids, laughter, life, Life's like that, living in the moment, love, memories, Mom, parents, Relationships, Stuff my parents used to say and do

Mom as a little girl with her mother

The oldest of six children, mom was born in Berlin, Germany the year WWII started.

Not an ideal childhood, but there were those special moments with her favourite grandparents, those rare moments where she could enjoy a piece of chocolate and the hospital stays that made her want to be a nurse.

And then the family years. Getting married. Having children of her own. Making a new and better life in Canada.

I have many memories growing up, like when Mom would tear around the house looking for her rat tail comb so she could finish setting her hair in rollers; all the while the comb was safely fixed in between the rows of curlers on her head.

Or how she’d barely be in the door after work and we’d all be like, “what’s for supper?” She’d sing to us, with us, read to us, take care of us when we were sick, threaten us with the wooden spoon to make us eat porridge, bake a cake every Sunday and feed it to us for breakfast with a vitamin.

And oh those cleaning days on Saturday, stripping, washing and waxing the floor, dragging the mattresses downstairs and beating them on the balcony, vacuuming, dusting, filling the sink with water to wash all the knick  knacks, washing the laundry in the wringer washing machine and hanging the laundry on the line – cleaning day was like boot camp!

Waiting up for me when I came home past curfew; lights flicking on blinding me, asking where I’ve been, why I was late, did I have any idea how worried she’d been? what was I thinking? Never mind, just get to bed! And by the way, you’re grounded for the summer – which never really panned out because grounding me meant I’d be around all the time and I was quite the pain in the ass!

Cooking our favourite meal, making our favourite cake on our birthdays, always motivated by wanting to be the kind of mother she had wanted to have as a child.

Wish I could cook for you today Mom. Wish I could bake your favourite cake. Wish we didn’t live so far apart.

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Happy Birthday Mom. I know you don’t feel like celebrating and I understand. But you are worth celebrating. I am grateful for you and I hope you have some moments of joy today.

With love, Diana

Do You Remember Your Childhood Dream?

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childhood, Diana Schwenk, dreams, family, growing up, Hump Day Chronicles, job, kids, memories, Mom, parents, passion, Purpose, Stuff my parents used to say and do

Mom dreamt of being a nurse

THE VERY FIRST DREAM I can remember having for my life was to be a rancher. I loved and wanted to be around horses. I imagined a picturesque piece of land with a quaint house, beautiful trees, a  river running out back and pastures filled with horses as far as the eye could see.

Other dreams I entertained included: being a veterinarian, psychiatrist, and the first female Prime Minister in Canada.

Needless to say, I did not become any of those things.

We can usually recall our own childhood dreams, but how many of us know what our parents dreamt of being?

It’s funny how most of us can’t even imagine our parents before our birth. It’s as if they never were children, didn’t exist before us at all.

Recently, Mom shared her childhood dream with me.

My mom grew up in Berlin during WWII. Some of her best memories include having to be hospitalized because she’d lost a good deal of her hearing due to ear infections. It was a time before Penicillin and so her ear infections resulted in damaged ear drums.

It was also a time of not enough food, or clothing, or warmth in the winter. And so staying in a hospital – even with a painful ear infection and in spite of significant hearing loss – was amazing and came with one’s own bed, three meals per day and nurses caring for you around the clock.

And so my mom dreamt of being a nurse. Someone who could care for children and make them feel as good as the nurses of her childhood made her feel.

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

What was your childhood dream? Did you achieve it? Do you know what your parents’ dreams were?

Morning Coffee

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blessing, coffee, comforting, Dad, Diana Schwenk, dream, family, grace, grief, Hump Day Chronicles, living in the moment, loss, love, memories, Mom, parents

It’s only been a short time since Dad passed away. The hardest is when I forget and then remember again that he is gone. This morning though, a small blessing, a moment of grace to start my day.

A comforting dream, just before I awoke.

I was walking from the back bedroom of their house toward the kitchen. And there was Dad, just as he’d always been when I’d been there on previous visits, except he was standing – with no pain on his face, wearing that white shirt with navy and red stripes and making me an instant morning coffee.

Mom joined him from the dining room and both of them lifted their eyes up from the coffee to greet me.

Then I woke up.

Thanks for my morning coffee and checking in on me Dad. You must have known how much I am missing you.

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Once Upon A Time – The Story of My Life

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Alberta, brother, Calgary, Canada, children, Dad, Diana Schwenk, family, Germany, growing up, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, life, memories, Mom, parents, Relationships, stories

Long, long ago in a land called Germany

ONCE UPON A TIME, LONG, LONG AGO in a land called Germany, a boy and girl fell in love and married. The newly weds travelled by ship across the great ocean to start a family in a foreign land called Canada.

And then a lollipop- sucking son to complete the family.

The daughter and son loved each other very much in spite of the sword play at 2:14PM. Don’t believe me? Click on the photo to enlarge it.

From bonding over lollipops, the daughter and son learned sword play and other things and thrived in the new land across the great ocean.

Then lots of other stuff happened.

The children grew up and left the nest.

The son stayed in the area and the daughter travelled thousands of miles across the country to make a life in the west.

More time passed and the family made many visits back and forth to maintain their ties.

The son had a son. The daughter had a daughter.

By now you have guessed that I am the daughter of the boy and girl who married long, long ago in the land called Germany and travelled by ship across the great ocean to start a family.

And the early part of my story with my daughter, Michaela continues below on one of our visits back home across the great land.

Playing piano at Oma and Opa’s house

Sitting on a rock in the woods with Opa

Sitting on a log in the woods with Oma

Oh how Oma and Opa loved when Michaela played piano, they could hardly wait for her to wake up and play it again. And Oma and Opa and Michaela and Max, the white dog, enjoyed walks in the woods and sitting on rocks and logs.

And back out west our lives carried on and Michaela asked many questions and thought deeply about the mysteries of life.

Michaela stares into the distance pondering the meaning of life at the Bow River

There’s got to be more to life than riding the horsey…

maybe it’s all about being cool. I look cool like this, right?

Haha I gotcha! I’ll just be myself.

I’ll just hang out with Mommy for now, and figure out life another day

Playing Hop Scotch in Calgary, Alberta

And the story continues and lots of other stuff still happens on the west side of the great land that lays across the great ocean by the land called Germany where long, long ago a boy and girl fell in love and were married.

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

What’s your story?