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talktodiana

~ Igniting the power and passion in others…

talktodiana

Category Archives: Humour

comedy, wit, funniness, hilarity, absurdity

My Big-Girl-Snow-Pants

20 Sunday Nov 2016

Posted by dianasschwenk in Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, Humour

≈ 45 Comments

Tags

200 words, adapt, Alberta, Calgary, Canada, changing seasons, cold, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, dress in layers, Life's like that, snow, winter

Winter Storm

A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.

Carl Reiner

Well it’s finally here.

I won’t be bringing a book, or note pad to go sit on a bench in the park to read or write while sipping a Grande half-sweet white chocolate mocha any day soon. And it will be months before I’ll be jumping on my bike to ride Calgary’s pathways.

There’s no more denying it.

There’s no more deciding not to wear socks, or not to dress in layers, or wear a warm coat. Winter is here and there’s nothing I can do about it. I just have to put on my big-girl-snow-pants, lean into the north wind, grit my teeth and plow through it. I don’t have a choice.

Yeah, yeah, I know some of you are excited about winter. You’ve been looking forward to sledding, skiing, snowshoeing, igloo building, icicle licking and whatever else you do in winter.

As for me… should you need me, I’ll be indoors, wrapped in a cozy blanket on my favourite chair, sipping hot chocolate and watching reruns of Island Life.

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

How do you feel about winter?

Looks Like I’m Gonna be THAT Senior

22 Wednesday Jun 2016

Posted by dianasschwenk in Humour, Hump Day Chronicles, My Stories

≈ 47 Comments

Tags

aging, bad eyesight, Diana Schwenk, embarassment, Fear, foolish, getting old, growing up, Hump Day Chronicles, laughing at yourself, laughter, Life's like that, vulnerability

seo-testing

When I was in my twenties, I’d see many a senior lady with bad makeup. You know, poorly applied foundation or mascara marks around the eye or bleeding lipstick or un-blended blush, and I’d think to myself – I NEVER want to do that.

As it turns out I’m pretty paranoid about makeup faux pas because of it. And to make matters worse, my eyesight (nearsightedness) has deteriorated over the years. It’s close to impossible to put makeup on whilst wearing glasses, so every morning after I’ve applied my makeup I put on my glasses and examine it carefully under a bright light.

So far, so good in that regard.

Here’s the thing. I’m starting to wish I had been concerned about doing up my pants in my twenties because apparently doing up my pants is not worth the effort it takes these days.

The whole disturbing pants thing actually reared its ugly head in my forties. I would come out of, or go into the ladies’ room at work while doing up or undoing my pants. On a good day, I would remember to shut the bathroom door before sitting on the toilet. On a really good day, I’d lock the door.

Now, in my fifties, it seems I’ve completely abandoned the need to do up my pants. I can’t tell you how many times I show up at work to find that my pants are in various stages of being undone. The other day I neglected not only to pull up my zipper, but I couldn’t be bothered with the button either. I did however, do up my belt.

Thank God for small mercies.

It seems I am going to be THAT senior. The one whose pants are never done up.

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

So what kind of senior are you gonna be?

Making a Big Deal Out of Nothing

08 Wednesday Jun 2016

Posted by dianasschwenk in Humour, Hump Day Chronicles, In My Opinion, My Stories

≈ 28 Comments

Tags

Alberta, attitude, Calgary, children, Diana Schwenk, Disneyland, Edmonton, family, friends, Gratitude, growing up, happy, humour, joy, kids, laughter, living in the moment, Red Deer, Relationships, Tourist in my own city

Michaela and me the last time she visited Calgary

Michaela and me the last time she visited Calgary

I’m not being a Negative Nancy here. It’s not about turning a minor incident into a major catastrophe.

I’m talking about making a big deal out of nothing in a positive way; taking a mediocre event and turning into a really good time.

So I guess I’m being more of an Optimistic Olga or a Gratitude Gertrude.

Like when my daughter Michaela was little and I built up a trip to Shopper’s Drugmart to the equivalent of going to Disneyland.

One’s attitude can go a long way in determining how you experience things.

You choose:

Do you roll your eyes and just endure it? Or do you have the time of your life?

My daughter lives a 3 1/2 hour drive north of Calgary where I live, in a small town called Camrose, 45 minutes east of Edmonton. When I visit her or she visits me, which isn’t very often, it includes at least one sleepover, we DO have lots of fun. But it usually works out to only spending 5 or 6 hours together in a two-day period.

So we came up with a plan, one that took way too long for us to figure out, I might add.

This Saturday, we’re going to meet up in Red Deer to spend the day together and then both of us will drive back to our individual homes. You see, Red Deer is half way between Calgary and Edmonton, Alberta’s two major cities. Red Deer is small compared to these two metropolitans, in fact Red Deer only has a little over 10% of either city’s population.

But just like the long ago Shopper’s Drugmart adventures, we aim to spend a fun-filled time in Red Deer.

In preparation for this adventure, I needed to find out if Red Deer even has a downtown area and by golly they do, as seen in the promo video I found on YouTube below.

Trust me, you want to watch this video!

We plan to visit all the featured places in the above video and maybe even find some other hidden Red Deer gems!

I will share our adventure with you next week right here on TALKTODIANA

Stay tuned you don’t want to miss it!  😉

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

When’s the last time you made a big deal out of nothing?

 

Don’t Use Your Signal… I like The Suspense!

01 Wednesday Jun 2016

Posted by dianasschwenk in Humour, Hump Day Chronicles, My Stories

≈ 28 Comments

Tags

adrenaline rush, Alberta, Calgary, Canada, Diana Schwenk, driving, First World Problems, heart pumping, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, laughter, life, Life's like that, morning, rant

road-rage3

All that obey-the-rules-of-the-road malarkey is overrated. It certainly doesn’t apply to you. I’ll get the gist of what your intentions are when you cut me off and thank me with a wave of your hand. Driving is boring otherwise. How else would I get my heart pumping like that first thing in the morning?  Better yet, it’s fun when you cut me off real close so that if I don’t hit the brake while checking my rearview for a tailgater and bracing for impact, you’ll sideswipe my front end.

But don’t just cut me off. No I don’t get the full affect that way. Slow right down the minute you get in front of me. Better yet, hit the brakes, and then signal you’re turning left (the order of events is important here) and hold me in that lane seemingly forever until you’re able to turn.

I mean you’re in a hurry to turn left right? I saw you in my rearview as you rushed up at warp speed and shot into the right lane, just barely missing my rear bumper. It’s like you were playing a race-car game, the way you navigated your car – sharp right, sharp left, BOOM in front of me and then stop.

I totally get it. If you had stayed behind me and then turned left, you’d have been delayed by nanoseconds…

But you know what really gets my circulation going and gives me that wide-open-road feeling? I love when I’m a few car lengths behind you on Memorial Drive and you got a good clip going and I got a good clip going and I’m feeling sorry for those people on our right who are pretty much crawling in line to exit on that ramp to Deerfoot North. Yeah the light ahead is green and you and me we’re gonna make it through that light – I can feel it – FREEDOM!

But wait. Quelle surprise – you want on that ramp too? I guess there’s no way you were gonna get stuck in that long line, NOOOOOO, not you. You’ve got important people to see and places to go. So you do what anyone else would do in that situation; you slam on the brake, mere metres from the exit and cut into that lane over the solid line like some modern-day Mario Andretti causing two lanes of traffic  – ours and theirs – to hit their brakes.

YEAH THAT’S JUST FREAKING BRILLIANT, YOU’RE QUITE THE DRIVER NIMROD, WHERE’D YOU GET YOUR LICENSE ANYWAY, FROM THE BUBBLE GUM MACHINE?

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

If there was a dashboard cam recording me on my morning commute, it would be a funny thing to watch! For you that is, probably would embarrass me to see it. 😉

What’s your biggest traffic pet peeve?

Over-Easy, Hard

02 Wednesday Mar 2016

Posted by dianasschwenk in Humour, Hump Day Chronicles, My Stories, Out and About

≈ 30 Comments

Tags

Alberta, brunch, Calgary, Diana Schwenk, friends, funny, growing up, happy, health, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, joy, living in the moment, stories, The Breakfast Company

You don’t look like a crack whore!

Me, Kathie, Carmen and Adele at the Breakfast Company, Calgary AB

Me, Kathie, Carmen and Adele at the Breakfast Company, Calgary AB

Now that I’ve got your attention with my shocking title and quote, I want to tell you about my friends.

You know those friends you’ve known for a long time but hardly get to see, maybe once a year if you’re lucky, yet when you do see them it’s as if you haven’t been apart, you just continue where you left off?

They’re the friends that know life can get busy because it’s busy for them too, so no hard feelings if you haven’t kept in touch.

I first met the lovely ladies in the photo above at the Mustard Seed where we all volunteered and worked at some point in our lives. I’m the oldest in the quartet and was the last to join the foursome in 1990.

Anyway, Adele contacted us a few weeks back to see if we’d like to do brunch together and we all jumped on the opportunity. So this past Saturday we met at the Breakfast Company on Edmonton Trail ‘to do brunch’.

Old friends are somewhat like family in the sense that when they get together after a long period of time, they revert to who they were back then. We are no different.

We did some catching up to find out who was working where and doing what. We talked about Kathie’s company, how my attempt at self-employment didn’t work out. How Carmen took a media communications class at SAIT, but it was very hard to get a job in that field and the work that Adele is doing around mental health and addiction at the hospital.

I told them of a cartoon I saw recently of a folk singer on stage with a guitar and the caption read, “This next song is about giving up on your dream so you can pay the rent.” We all laughed.

We talked about losing our dads and how that affected our moms and changed each of us forever.  Sadly, one of the ladies has also lost her mom.

We talked about how I am the oldest of us four and Carmen is the youngest and Adele has the youngest looking hands and I have the oldest looking hands (too much sun bathing I guess).

We talked about the birthday trip that Kathie is going on next month with fellow students from the university she attended, all of them have their birthdays within the same week of each other.

This led to a discussion about how gross passport pictures are because you’re not allowed to smile. We surmised that the deer-in-the-headlight photos that result are exactly what we would look like if we were nervous going through customs because we had drugs or something. We bemoaned the fact that we are not allowed to smile on our driver’s license anymore either.  We even passed around our licenses to each other and analyzed the photos!

At the end of brunch, as we hugged out our goodbyes, we expressed a desire to get together more often. We’ll see how that works out. If not, it’ll be ok because we know that life can get busy – no hard feelings.

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

I suppose I should explain the title and opening quote.

When the waitress came to take our orders, she asked Carmen how she would like her eggs. Carmen said, “You know, fried… like over-easy but with the yolk cooked… ” “You mean over-hard,” said the waitress with a smirk.

During brunch I told the group that I looked like a crack whore in my passport photo. Later when we passed our driver’s licenses around, someone yelled out, “You don’t look like a crack whore!”

After brunch, on the sidewalk…

“I should call this post Over-easy, Hard – You don’t look like a crack whore!

(laughter)

Ahh I’m not brave enough to do that.”

“DO IT!!!!”

(shrug) “Ok.”

My Blonde Moment

03 Wednesday Feb 2016

Posted by dianasschwenk in Humour, Hump Day Chronicles, My Stories

≈ 54 Comments

Tags

being right, blond moment, Diana Schwenk, growing up, humble, humility, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, know it all, laughing at yourself, laughter, living in the moment, pompous, wrong

blondIN THE EARLY NINETIES I used to work at a hospital.

A certain janitor who also worked there could not contain the joy he felt every time he saw me.

Noooo it’s not that…

He was thrilled to bits because he could share the ‘latest’ blonde joke with a blonde – me.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a high IQ?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that’s where you’re supposed to wash vegetables!

Over the years, I’ve heard many blonde jokes.

So many, I’ve probably forgotten more than most people have ever known.

And every, single, annoying blonde joke has one central theme.

Blondes are dumb.

As a blonde, I have been highly motivated most of my life to prove that blondes are not dumb.

This has made me seem quite pompous at times. A know-it-all, if you will. A literal she-is-always-right-and-can’t-admit-when-she’s-wrong-and-always-has-to-correct-others poop head.

So maybe a dose of humility is exactly what I needed yesterday. A Poetic Justice of sorts. Perhaps that’s why I locked my keys and my purse with my spare keys into my running car after work yesterday and had to call AMA to come unlock the door so I could sheepishly slink into the driver’s seat and drive home.

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Regardless of your hair colour, ever had a blonde moment?

Today I Got My New Glasses – A Photo Essay

10 Thursday Dec 2015

Posted by dianasschwenk in Humour, My Stories

≈ 53 Comments

Tags

aging, Diana Schwenk, eye glasses, growing up, happy, health, humour, Life's like that, living in the moment, reading

I FINALLY DID IT!!

Mom’s been telling me for years…

“Go get your eyes checked! We have Glaucoma in the family, you know? Plus those reading glasses aren’t good for your eyes!”

So on Sunday – yes on Sunday, I was surprised I could get an appointment on Sunday too – I showed up for my eye appointment with Dr. Tamas at Eye on 17th.

I learned that my left eye is better than my right eye. That I’m still OK for distance seeing – my super-seeing left eye compensates for my just-legal-for-driving right eye.

I would just need reading glasses.

Sure I could get progressives but they take a while to get used to and like I said, I’m still OK for distance.

Also, I learned that I do not have any eye diseases, including Glaucoma and that the back of my eye is fairly healthy, whatever that means…

Anyway, all day at work today, I was thinking about how I would be picking up my new glasses after work. I was thinking how great it will be to read a few pages, and actually see the words clearly, of a good book tonight before I go to sleep.

So after work, I picked up my glasses.  The nice man at Eye on 17th adjusted my new glasses to my head and had me read a piece of paper. But I wanted to get my glasses home and try them out there!

I’ll try reading the postmark on this bill…

Wow, I can read it! Even that last line, I didn’t even think those were words!

This is really awesome

I was super excited and my thoughts drifted to that book on the night table beside my bed.

Oh boy, oh boy!

First things, first though. I still had to have dinner, do the dishes, watch some TV. And hey I should check out what I look like in these new glasses. So I looked in the mirror.

How is it that I aged 10 years in just one day??

How is it that I aged 10 years in just one day??

Some things just aren’t worth seeing better, I guess…

Spring Forward Fall Back

01 Sunday Nov 2015

Posted by dianasschwenk in Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, Humour, In My Opinion

≈ 47 Comments

Tags

200 words, Daylight Saving, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, gain an hour, harvest, humour, life, spring forward fall back, time

alarm-clock-11808

Time is making fools of us again. ~J.K. Rowling

You got a minute? Don’t even say you don’t.

I know you do because you just gained an hour.

How do you feel about that?

Over the years I’ve heard these reasons to justify Daylight Saving.

  • It saved people one hour of candle burning each day during the winter.
  • More afternoon light increased daily productivity during the harvest.

Maybe back in the day when people woke at sunrise and went to bed shortly after sunset, it made sense. But now-a-days?

If I get up at 6AM in order to get to work on time and go to sleep at 10PM in order to get 8 hours of sleep, how does Daylight Saving save the energy I use. Either I have my lights on longer in the morning or I have them on longer in the evening, either way, my lights are on the same length of time.

I don’t get it.

I’m good with gaining this hour, but why must I lose an hour in the spring?

From this day forward, let’s just leave the clock alone.  Who’s with me?

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

Daylight Saving

It’s tearing us all apart

The Patio Door

28 Wednesday Oct 2015

Posted by dianasschwenk in Humour, Hump Day Chronicles, My Stories

≈ 34 Comments

Tags

Chateauguay, childhood, Diana Schwenk, family, growing up, Hump Day Chronicles, love, memories, parents, Quebec, Relationships, Stuff my parents used to say and do

Mike and me standing in front of our house in Chateauguay, Quebec

Mike and me standing in front of our house in Chateauguay, Quebec

WAY BACK WHEN our family lived at 111 Edgewood Drive in Chateauguay Quebec – before it became Chateauguay Centre, before Canada issued  postal codes and switched to the metric system, Dad used to say this thing that kinda drove Mom a bit crazy.

When Mike and I were knee-high to a grasshopper – ok, that’s a bit of an exaggeration – but we were little (see photo above), our family moved into the home we would grow up in.

It was a duplex. Dad sold part of his stamp collection for the down payment. The room that we spent most of our time all-together in was the kitchen.

Upon entering the kitchen from the hallway, one would notice the fridge to the right. It was a BIG one and the refrigerator (top) and freezer (bottom) were equal in size.

The kitchen table was on the left with bench seating that also doubled as storage areas by lifting the seats, ran along two walls and two chairs were placed across from the benches .

I sat on the bench on the short wall immediately to the left. Mike sat around the corner along the long wall. Dad sat across from me in a chair with his back to the patio door. And Mom sat across from Mike with her back to the stove.

On the long wall, where Mike sat, was the telephone. Remember when phones were on the wall and they had actual dialing? The phone was black and had a super long cord so you could walk to the sink or around the corner into the dining room for privacy – as if one actually had privacy whilst on the phone.

On the other side of the fridge, on the floor, is where Mom kept the penny jar, an old milk bottle, the kind that was delivered to one’s house and yes, we had milk delivered back then! Mom and Dad threw all their pennies into that bottle and by the end of each year, they’d saved $300 or more that was used toward Christmas shopping.

Along the adjoining wall is where our stove sat, cupboards  were above and on either side of the stove.

The next wall was home to the kitchen sink below a window that was covered with white lacy sheer curtains that were gathered and secured to each edge of the window frame with pretty ribbons. Beside the sink, one more cupboard and then the garbage can – you know the kind that you step on the foot petal thingy and the lid comes up?

Anyway beside that was the patio door and if you walked further, past the phone on the wall, you’d be in the dining room.

It was at that patio door, when it was raining,  that Dad would stand up, look outside and say that thing that drove Mom nuts.

“You know…if it was colder out, it would be snowing…”

I think he did it on purpose, because when Mom became frustrated by his comment because she’d heard it hundreds of times before, I saw the corners of his mouth curl into a smile in the reflection of the patio door.

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

How Old Is Old?

18 Sunday Oct 2015

Posted by dianasschwenk in Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, Humour, In My Opinion, My Stories

≈ 79 Comments

Tags

200 words, aging, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, growing up, health, humour, judging, laughter, life, Life's like that, looking back, memories, old, young

Younger and older woman with hourglass

“To me old age is always fifteen years older than I am.” – Thomas Bailey Aldrich

“Oh man, I can’t wait till the year 2000, that’s gonna be a heck of a New Year’s party!” said the 16 year-old me. “Oh wait. I’ll be 37. Too old to party. If I’m even still alive! How sad.” That revelation ruined my day.

“Would you look at her. Geesh, 40 year-olds should NOT wear bikinis, I WON’T do that when I’m old,” said by the 25 year-old me to my best friend while sun-tanning on the shore of Paul Lake.

Fast forward to today, the 52 year-old me thinks back.

The 37 year-old me did not party in the year 2000. Not because she was too old, but because she didn’t want to.

The forty-something me continued to wear a bikini at the beach and was quite comfortable doing so. Recently my daughter posted this on her Facebook page: To get a bikini body, put on a bikini.

I guess old is mostly relative…

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

“See those two ladies sitting on the bench?” said by the 52 year-old me of the sixty-something year olds to my friend. “That’s us when we’re old!”

How old is old to you?

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