Getting Old Sucks

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You Ain’t Nothing But A Groundhog?

Margot Schwenk, November 2017

“What is the name of that singer I really liked?” mom asked me, sitting across the booth from me at her ‘second home’ at Vieux Chateau in Hawkesbury, ON. “You know, the guy who sang, ‘You ain’t nothing but a groundhog?’“

How interesting that mom would ask that question, with the mistaken groundhog instead of the actual hound-dog from the song she so loved by Elvis Presley, since my brother and I had recently discussed how life with mom is sort of like the movie Groundhog Day.

Two years ago, mine and Mike’s dad, and mom’s husband of 56 years passed away. Mom hasn’t been the same since. How can someone go on when their husband, whom they have spent more than half their life with, is suddenly gone.

It hasn’t been easy for mom, or for us kids who are witnesses to the profound sadness that saturates mom’s reality. And just recently mom has also had to give up driving and leave the home that she and dad built together to move into a retirement home.

Getting old sucks!

We try to tell ourselves otherwise to make ourselves feel better, but it’s a shit show of giving up independence and autonomy. Sure, one can still find joy in moments and be grateful for what remains, but as in the case of mom, that takes a great deal of re-focusing and determination.

You see, mom isn’t who she once was. She has become very forgetful and displays signs of dementia, and she knows it. Imagine if half your brain was breaking down, and the other half was fully aware of it. It can’t be easy for her. And she is different. She’s not the mom we knew. But the new Margot is beautiful. She’s compassionate. She is concerned about the future of, and misses, her family immensely.

During my one-week visit, I watched mom reach out to others who are struggling, doling out hugs, taking the arm of a woman who has pain when she walks. Mom is fierce in her efforts to help and protect others, because she knows firsthand what it means to feel helpless. She is beautifully compassionate when she hugs and cries with those who are hurting. And although she doesn’t feel it, she is brave, emotionally connected and a light in the darkness.

It’s not been easy for us, her kids, because we are heartbroken with the cards that life has dealt mom. We feel guilty because we can’t spend as much time as we would like with her. And yet, we are so proud of her and so in awe of her ability to FEEL the moment and experience it in the moment.

I don’t mind so much when she cries, because that is RAW honesty, and it passes. She feels it. Accepts it. And moves on. I guess the hardest part is when she panics, when she feels that she screwed up in someway, when the chaotic thoughts in her head send her into a tailspin. Thankfully, these episodes seem to be less, now that she gets her medication dispensed by a nurse at the correct times.

Don’t misread me. It’s not all gloom and doom. Mom’s only been in her new home for a month. She needs time to mourn what’s she’s lost, and grow accustomed to her new surroundings. We do have high hopes of a meaningful quality of life experience for her moving forward. We look forward to a possible trip with the whole family to Germany, mom’s homeland, and we look forward to a June wedding between my daughter and her fiancé.

But I don’t think we are fully off the hook. Individually, and as a society, we need to take a long, hard look at how we treat the elderly. How do we make sure that there is still “life” in their lives? How do we create an environment where joy can exist? How do we move away from ‘doing everything’ for them to ‘helping them find their new purpose?’ How do we move away from the warehousing of elderly people, to an integrated model of all society that includes children and all ages? And how do we keep the conversation going until we find it?

Getting old sucks, but it doesn’t have to…

Check out the amazing results that happened after this cool 6 week experiment.

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

Mom lives at Place Mont Roc now; a wonderful place, run by wonderful people, helping wonderful people. Their kindness is amazing and it’s a great foundation on which to build what we can further do to respect and keep the dignity of our seniors; our moms and dads.

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A Story of Gratitude on Thanksgiving

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Me, Shannon and Dad in 1985

Never let things you want, make you forget the things you have.

In the summer of 2015, Dad called and insisted that I visit that September. Looking back, I am grateful he did so, as unknown to any of us, Dad would pass away two months later.

When I reflect on what I am grateful for, Dad is at the top of the list. I know how fortunate I am to have had a father who loved me, and kept me safe, who was in my life for 52 years.

Dad also was a grateful man. During that 2015 visit, from the couch he practically lived on due to the back pain he’d suffered, he looked at me and said, “You know, Diana…I cannot really complain about anything, I’ve had a great life.”

“A great life, Dad? You grew up in war-torn Berlin. Your windows imploded when bombs were dropped. You were hungry much of the time!”

I don’t remember his answer verbatim, but it was something like, “yes, but we looked out for each other on our street, we shared everything. I was loved.”

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

This Thanksgiving, don’t forget what you have…

 

 

 

7 Things Dad would want you to know

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This post has been sitting in my draft folder since December 2015, just a short month after Dad passed. It hasn’t felt right to publish it until now. ♡

*******

Dear Mom,

I’ve been thinking about you and Dad and our family.

In particular, I’ve been thinking about how Dad and I could just sit in the same room, not saying anything, yet somehow be on the same page. And I’ve been thinking about some of the conversations Dad and I have had over the years and I think there are at least seven things that Dad would want you to know.

I’ve listed them below in the form of a letter to you from Dad.

Meine Liebe Salat Schnecke,

1.       Don’t ever doubt how much I loved you

Remember our Wedding night? It wasn’t a fancy party. We did the best we could though and we had fun right? I can still see you running through the street singing in the middle of the night when you’d had a little too much to drink.

What the neighbours must have thought!

But I didn’t care, you seemed happy and honestly Margot, I may not have been able to express myself well, but that’s what I wanted for you. I always wanted you to be happy.

I knew how hard your life had been, I wanted to show you how good it could be.

Remember when we arrived in Canada and once we got on our feet a bit? You have no idea how happy it made me to see you eat butter, eat at a restaurant, eat fruit and cakes and whatever you could get your hands on. Remember that time I brought a dozen lemon donuts home when you were pregnant and you ate 11 of them? I didn’t mind that there was only one donut left for me.

It made me smile to watch you eat all the foods you missed in your childhood.

2.       Building our family

I know you were scared and so determined that our children would never be harmed like you had been. I was shocked that time you would even think I might hurt them but I grew to understand where this fear came from. I loved our kids – I would have done anything for them, and I think I was able to convince you of that with time, right?

No regrets Margot.  Don’t ever underestimate the value of what we were able to give our kids. Sure we weren’t perfect parents, we made mistakes along the way, but we did everything to the best of our ability for them and I think they turned out pretty good, don’t you?

3.       Our 50^th anniversary

Mom and Dad’s 50th Anniversary

Wasn’t that a fun party, Margot? I was so excited to celebrate with you. You looked so beautiful in that blue dress, I was so proud beside you in my new suit. And look how many friends came to celebrate with us!

And our trip to Germany! Yes Canada was our home now, but how wonderful it was to go to the place where we met and married to celebrate our 50^th.

4.       You were a real handful sometimes

A fighter. A hard worker. You had fire in your eyes!

Yeah there were times I wished you would just calm down, relax a little. Just let go of stuff, but maybe it was your pushing that got us as far as we got. And even when you were angry, I knew it was because you were afraid that things wouldn’t work out – those ghosts from the past were haunting you. I knew that you were fighting for the very best.

And you know what? I think I may have originally been drawn to that about you. You have spunk!

I mean who else would have moved to a new country, not knowing the language to start a new life with me? I chose well. You were the right partner for me.

You worked just as hard as me. Remember our job at that summer camp? Picking apples?  Making hats? And all the other jobs we had until I got that job at Kraft Foods and we bought our first home? And even then you cleaned houses to help out with the expenses. Yes we worked hard for what we built.

5.       Regrets

Maybe I could have been more supportive at times. Like when you were seasick on our voyage to Canada or when you broke your ankle. Maybe I could have told you more how much I appreciated you. I just never was one for words. But make no mistake; I was grateful and I really cared about you, even if I wasn’t very good at saying it.

6.       The last few years

I know how hard it was for you to watch me on the couch in pain. It was hard for me too. I wanted to be healed. And sometimes you made me angry when you pushed so hard for me to get up or exercise. But when I would think about it, I knew you were scared. I knew you meant well.

But the hardest thing, Margot was to see what my poor health was doing to you. You were so brave. That’s why I tried so hard to be brave too. That’s why I tried not to complain even when I couldn’t drive the car anymore. You did everything. I really wish I could have helped around the house more. I was so sure I would get better and things would go back to normal. But I didn’t. I’m so sorry things didn’t work out the way we had hoped. If I had known that I wouldn’t get better, perhaps we could have made arrangements that would have made the last years easier for both of us.

7.       Now that I’m gone

Our last few years together were hard, and I am so thankful for all you did for me. I know you’re sad and that you must grieve – after all we spent 56 years together, one doesn’t get over that quickly. But don’t just remember the last years. Remember the fun times. The family vacations. The German Club New Year’s dances. When I taught you how to drive. Those nights we walked around the block when the kids were in bed.

And don’t grieve too long. There is so much more for you to experience. Spend time with our kids, our grandkids, our wonderful friends. Get back out there doing the stuff you love to do. Simplify your life. Laugh, live and love. Life is far too precious to do otherwise. Grab onto life with both hands and enjoy it as much as you can. And know that when your time comes, I’ll be here, waiting for you.

Dein Mann, Heinz

Vulnerability and Truth

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“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

― Brené Brown

It’s scary to be vulnerable, isn’t it? It makes you feel weak, and even worse it makes you appear weak to others.

Suppose you don’t know what to do about a situation at work, if you ask for help, would it seem like you cannot do the job you were hired to do?

Suppose you are grieving the loss of someone close to you, or are worried about the circumstances a loved one has found themselves in, if you talk about it or cry, would it seem as though you are too emotional?

What if you’re afraid to go to the dentist, or a job interview, or know you need to admit you were wrong about something, if you hesitate or show any anxiety, would you look like a coward?

I grew up believing it did. Crying was weak. Smiling or laughing made you look foolish. The only acceptable emotion was anger, which somehow proved that you were strong.

It can take years to finally know that vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

Humility, Gratitude and Service

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I had the privilege of interviewing someone yesterday. Someone whose childhood was marked by abandonment, abuse and neglect. Someone who coped by making bad choices as a result.

His story was heartbreaking and made me question…

No, it made me wrestle with the whys. Why do people treat other people so horribly? And not just other adults, but children. Children who need a better foundational start at life.

But to be honest, that’s not the part of his story that stuck with me.

What stood out was his gratefulness. For every time someone showed him kindness. Every time someone reached out to help him. Went out of their way to give him hope. Saw him, loved him for who he was, took action to make a difference in his life — and did it all without judging him.

His story reminded me of all the people in my life who were pivotal, who were catalysts in changing my life for the better. Most did not even know to what extent they impacted me, inspired me, motivated me to find purpose in my life by serving others.

His story reminded me how important it is to reach out and help others just because I’ve been helped. To pay it forward, to never forget where I came from, to stay humble and grateful.

It’s what brings out the best in humanity. Don’t you think?

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Paradise

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This morning, with her, having coffee.

Johnny Cash, when asked his definition of paradise

Brilliant. So simple, yet so true. That’s what I thought when I first read this quote on my Twitter feed a few days ago.

Johnny Cash got it.

He understood.

It’s funny how paradise can turn out to be something completely different from what we thought it would be. That what we think we want is nowhere close to what we end up cherishing.

How often do we tell ourselves that when we get that promotion, when we finally can afford a house in a particular area, when who we are becomes a household name, we will have arrived? It will be like paradise.

We don’t always know what we treasure until it is lost to us. One only has to look back to realize that “those days we sat drinking coffee with whomever, while the rising sun’s rays spilled onto the kitchen table” were the best times of our lives.

It really is the people whom we love in life that make it feel as though we’re living in paradise or said more plainly – mean the very most to us.

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

The Dance

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How can we know the danger from the dance?

~ William Butler Yeats

How do you recognize the difference between what is good for you and bad for you? Does fun mean bad? Does safe mean good?

How do you balance security and risk? When is it best to tread carefully? When should you throw caution to the wind?

How do you evaluate your need and their need? When do you sacrifice yourself for the good of someone else? When do your sacrifices border enabling?

Living only for our own comfort is the worst kind of extravagance; and truly brings no satisfaction in the end. And a life of consistently compromising ourselves to accommodate the agendas of others only serves to annihilate us and the gifts we could share with the world.

Can we ever really know the danger from the dance? I don’t think we can. At least not until our decisions finally play themselves out. But a really good indicator that we’re making the right decision may be to question our motives for the choices we make.

Am I acting from a place of love or am I acting from a place of fear?

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

How Do You See The World?

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Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world.

~ Wayne Dyer

IN MANY WAYS, WE LIVE WITH what we dream and create. Our lives reflect the energy we’ve been putting into them. If we believe people are always out to get us, that is the scenario we unwittingly create and see. If we believe that people are good at heart, that is what we tend to nurture in others and see.

Does that mean if we’ve always believed the world to be hostile, there’s no love in it? Or if we’ve always been loving, there is no hostility in the world? No. But that’s likely what we’re inclined to ‘notice’ more in our daily lives.

One might think that it’s only those who are safe and loved that can see a loving world, but in my experience, it’s often those who are vulnerable and in danger who see the love in the world.

Anne Frank, whose family faced mortal danger, took the time to jot down these words: “I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart.”

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

How do you see the world?

How To Set The World On Fire

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Be who you were created to be and you will set the world on fire.

St. Catherine of Siena

There was a time when it was considered good and sensible to accept one’s lot in life with grace and gratitude. A time when if your father was a servant, it would follow that you would be a servant, and your son would be a servant.

These days, we tell ourselves that we can be whoever we want to be. Some folks achieve their dreams, many don’t.

I wonder have we set ourselves up for failure and ultimately, a life of misery because of it?

Just as with any stream of contemporary thought in any given time in human history, when we examine our ideals over a long period of time, we discover that the pendulum has swung from one extreme to another.

So I find myself thinking it best that the pendulum rest somewhere in the middle.

That it doesn’t have to be completely this way or that.

That purpose can be found in this way AND that.

That any person using their unique gifts can set their world on fire; no matter their station in life.

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

2016 Was A Bad Year???

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It seems to me that I was bombarded with the message of the title of this post continually leading up to 2017.

And I guess I understand why, given over 130 well-known people died in 2016, including Canada’s much-loved Leonard Cohen, who incidentally was born in the same year as my much loved father, and given our Albertan economy has taken a nose dive and many people employed  in oil and gas have lost their jobs. I’m sure you have similar or perhaps worse stories you could share from your corner of the world.

But I can’t help thinking that compared to others; we’re doing well here in Canada.

I mean considering the events in other parts of the world, I am fairly certain that ninety-something per cent of the world’s population would gladly change places with almost anyone in our country, knowing their lives would be greatly improved.

That’s why it’s important for me to be grateful for the blessings, large and small, that made up my daily experience in 2016.

On a personal level, these blessings include that more and more when I remember Dad, it brings a smile to my face instead of tears. That although my family is spread out, we’ve all worked harder to connect more often. That with much practice, I am learning to be more present in the moment; to give the person or situation in front of me my full attention – something I will continue to work on in 2017.

Professionally, I’ve seen that our work to engage the community has started to show evidence of authentic and mutually beneficial relationships. People are wanting to be, and becoming involved on many levels of our organization, making a huge difference in the lives of men and women who are in recovery, while hopefully also increasing their own sense of purpose and meaning.

I hope that you too, can find your blessings in the past year when you look back. Here are just a few of mine in the photo gallery below.

A selfie by my brother’s pool

Visit from Germany

Old stomping grounds

Visiting the house I grew up in

soccer!

A visit from down under

A Corpus Christi Christmas

YYC Rocks for Sobriety

Ride for Refuge

Remembering Josee

Christmas 2016

New Year’s Eve

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Wishing you and yours a blessed 2017 filled with moments you can treasure for a lifetime.

Diana xo