Tags
afraid, approval, confusion, courage, Diana Schwenk, doubts, Fear, growing up, growth, Hump Day Chronicles, insecure, life, memories, mission, passion, peace, Purpose, Relationships, struggles, vision, vulnerability, writing
Several years back, I was faced with a difficult choice. I was at a crossroad. I was so inside my own head, I could not find a way out. I could not see a clear path. I hurt so much, emotionally, spiritually and physically.
Sometimes, when things seem murky, when I can’t see clearly, when I am afraid – I write. I write as fast as I can to capture the thoughts running through my mind. I don’t pay attention to grammar or political correctness or sit in judgement of the words that spill out. I just write.
I’ve long since come through that particular difficult time.
But yesterday I came across what I had written back then. It’s so weird to read it. Some parts don’t even sound like me, to me, not anymore anyway. It sounds whiny, helpless, weak.
And I want to edit it so bad before sharing it!
But maybe there’s some value in the rawness of the words. Maybe it’s, I don’t know – human-ish. And maybe it will help someone else to not feel so alone in their thoughts when they are struggling; to not feel like they’ve lost their mind. So here it is, for what it’s worth. As it was written then.
I am trying not to be hasty
I am unsure of myself
I am a peacemaker—I want to make things alright
I need support in things I am not even aware of
I am angry
I am clinging to ideals
I am struggling to keep the fire burning, the passion in my heart
I second guess everything
I operate by instinct and am struggling with process
I feel undervalued
I feel steamrolled
I am tired
I am confused
I take my responsibility seriously
I am a collaborative person by nature
I believe in buy in
I am overwhelmed
I am scattered in thought
I am afraid to fail/disappoint
I operate at best when I feel inspired—I don’t feel inspired
I feel like the things that are important to me don’t matter
I feel incompetent
I feel like I’m expected to magically be at a certain level
I have important strengths
I love people
I believe in impassioning others
I believe in our people, that they can be all they can be
I believe in my team and honour their strengths
I give credit where credit is due
I look for the good
I believe I was called to this place
I believe that God has a purpose for me
I believe in building community and promoting tolerance
I believe in breaking myths and stereotypes
I believe in healthy balance of life
I believe that my staff want to do a good job
I need clear vision/direction
I need to know that my superiors believe in me
I learn best through mentorship and experience
I want to understand and be understood
I know who I am
I know who I want to be
I value mentors
I value protégées
I try not to be judgmental
I live in the grey/the in between
I am not black and white
I believe there are many I’s in team
I value disagreement/different perspectives
I am open
I value constructive criticism
I strive to be a better person
I strive to be a model in decency by the way I conduct myself
I work hard not to speak in anger, but to eventually speak
I believe in kindness
I am a persuader
I offer a unique perspective
I struggle with loneliness—at the same time I keep people at an arm’s length
I am direct
I value honesty
I want to make a difference
I want to leave a mark
I want to empower others to make a difference and leave a mark
I want to unite community
I am generous
I am loyal
I believe in complimenting people, edifying them, pointing out their strengths
I am optimistic
I am impatient
I strive to be a good listener
I strive to communicate in others’ language
I struggle with authority
I believe God places people in leadership and I trust that process
I think staff morale is important
I don’t like phonies
I strive to be true to myself—I don’t always succeed
I have a hard time letting people in
I am drawn to confident people
I am repelled by arrogant people
I promote understanding
I am interested in the whole person
I value friendship
I believe in people
I want to be recognized/acknowledged when I do good
I believe in investing in people
~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~
Have you ever felt this? Had similar thoughts? What is your strategy when you need to find your way?
Minuscule Moments said:
I imagine we all have thoughts like this Diana and I think it amazing you shared. You have learned, lived, laughed and evolved into someone pretty special, of that I have no doubt.
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dianasschwenk said:
Aww thank you for your sweet and generous comment Kath. ❤
Diana xo
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elizabeth2560 said:
I write things down to – when the thoughts are flying … and even when they are not. I think writing helps with the off-loading and the planning.
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dianasschwenk said:
Yes, I do the same Elizabeth! ❤
Diana xo
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Jean said:
Good thought process, Diana
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dianasschwenk said:
It is what it is – thank you Jean! ❤
Diana xo
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Patty B said:
all the time! For me soothing music or just relaxing in the peace and quiet, a special time with me and God. It is encouraging to know I am not alone in this. Prayers that you find your way and I am confident you will. 🙂
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dianasschwenk said:
A great strategy Patty. I’m fine now Patty, that rapid writing exercise was written several years ago during a difficult time. ❤
Diana xo
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cyclingrandma said:
Yoga helps. Walks. Talking. Looking for the good. Carry on, my friend.
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dianasschwenk said:
All great choices Lisa – thank you! ❤
Diana xo
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Don Royster said:
My way is to go write a story. When I am creating a story or a poem or working on a blog post, I forget all my external problems. I get involved with the problems of my characters.
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dianasschwenk said:
So you get a bit of a break Don? That’s great! ❤
Diana xo
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joannerambling said:
Sometimes writing is the best medicine to just let the words flow not to think about what one is writing but just writing it can help clear the mind and the soul, the reason you see whiny and weakness when others don’t is because we are hardest on ourselves
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dianasschwenk said:
Very insightful – thanks Jo-Anne! ❤
Diana xo
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Chatter Master said:
I love the writing rapidly and to let it all out. Interesting though, I didn’t think this sounded weak or whiny at all. I thought it sounded very self empowering actually.
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dianasschwenk said:
glad to hear that Colleen – thank you so much! ❤
Diana xo
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tric said:
So many thoughts coming and going. They can be overwhelming, but writing them perhaps gives them space to exist and allows you time to acknowledge each one? For reading them back I think each is important.
I hope it helped you and maybe another day reading it back will help you and others
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dianasschwenk said:
Yes. What a great idea Tric! ❤
Diana xo
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Alan A. Malizia: Contagious Optimism! Co-Author said:
Diana,
There is not a thought among your list that anyone has not experienced nor struggled with. It is quite human.
Twice you state three words: I, believe, God. Those three words put all things in proper perspective. With those three words balance is restored and no one need be overwhelmed by trial.
-Alan
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dianasschwenk said:
(smiling) Thanks Alan. ❤
Diana xo
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Alan A. Malizia: Contagious Optimism! Co-Author said:
You’re welcome, my friend.
-Alan
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Louise Gallagher said:
Dearest fiercely loving and compassionate Diana,
This does not sound whiny, helpless or weak. It sounds like a woman faced with a tough decision willing to be honest, forthright and able to face hard truths. It sounds like a woman faced with a decision she did not want to make, who had the courage and humility to look at the total picture, to see the total situation through eyes of love.
It sounds like you.
I too am proud to know you. To call you, my friend.
❤
PS — and you were correct — your words resonate. I remember me at about that same time — if I'm thinking that is the same time… and your words help clarify what was in my heart too 🙂
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dianasschwenk said:
Yes Louise – the same time. You know, I’m sorry for what you went through, but if I am to be honest, you were a great source of comfort to me at the time. I did not feel so completely alone because of it. ❤
Diana xo
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Nurse Kelly said:
I agree with Van. You are a beautiful person, Diana – heart and soul. xo
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dianasschwenk said:
Sweet of you to say Kelly. Thank you. ❤
Diana xo
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Nurse Kelly said:
You’re welcome! xo
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vanbytheriver said:
I don’t see whiny or weak or helpless, Diana. I see a lot of strength and positivity in your stream of consciousness writing. There is a recurring power in your words. Read it again, and understand that you were meant to come out of this much stronger. 💘
I’m proud to know you.
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dianasschwenk said:
Wow. Thank you Van! ❤
Diana xo
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