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afraid, approval, confusion, courage, Diana Schwenk, doubts, Fear, growing up, growth, Hump Day Chronicles, insecure, life, memories, mission, passion, peace, Purpose, Relationships, struggles, vision, vulnerability, writing
Several years back, I was faced with a difficult choice. I was at a crossroad. I was so inside my own head, I could not find a way out. I could not see a clear path. I hurt so much, emotionally, spiritually and physically.
Sometimes, when things seem murky, when I can’t see clearly, when I am afraid – I write. I write as fast as I can to capture the thoughts running through my mind. I don’t pay attention to grammar or political correctness or sit in judgement of the words that spill out. I just write.
I’ve long since come through that particular difficult time.
But yesterday I came across what I had written back then. It’s so weird to read it. Some parts don’t even sound like me, to me, not anymore anyway. It sounds whiny, helpless, weak.
And I want to edit it so bad before sharing it!
But maybe there’s some value in the rawness of the words. Maybe it’s, I don’t know – human-ish. And maybe it will help someone else to not feel so alone in their thoughts when they are struggling; to not feel like they’ve lost their mind. So here it is, for what it’s worth. As it was written then.
I am trying not to be hasty
I am unsure of myself
I am a peacemaker—I want to make things alright
I need support in things I am not even aware of
I am angry
I am clinging to ideals
I am struggling to keep the fire burning, the passion in my heart
I second guess everything
I operate by instinct and am struggling with process
I feel undervalued
I feel steamrolled
I am tired
I am confused
I take my responsibility seriously
I am a collaborative person by nature
I believe in buy in
I am overwhelmed
I am scattered in thought
I am afraid to fail/disappoint
I operate at best when I feel inspired—I don’t feel inspired
I feel like the things that are important to me don’t matter
I feel incompetent
I feel like I’m expected to magically be at a certain level
I have important strengths
I love people
I believe in impassioning others
I believe in our people, that they can be all they can be
I believe in my team and honour their strengths
I give credit where credit is due
I look for the good
I believe I was called to this place
I believe that God has a purpose for me
I believe in building community and promoting tolerance
I believe in breaking myths and stereotypes
I believe in healthy balance of life
I believe that my staff want to do a good job
I need clear vision/direction
I need to know that my superiors believe in me
I learn best through mentorship and experience
I want to understand and be understood
I know who I am
I know who I want to be
I value mentors
I value protégées
I try not to be judgmental
I live in the grey/the in between
I am not black and white
I believe there are many I’s in team
I value disagreement/different perspectives
I am open
I value constructive criticism
I strive to be a better person
I strive to be a model in decency by the way I conduct myself
I work hard not to speak in anger, but to eventually speak
I believe in kindness
I am a persuader
I offer a unique perspective
I struggle with loneliness—at the same time I keep people at an arm’s length
I am direct
I value honesty
I want to make a difference
I want to leave a mark
I want to empower others to make a difference and leave a mark
I want to unite community
I am generous
I am loyal
I believe in complimenting people, edifying them, pointing out their strengths
I am optimistic
I am impatient
I strive to be a good listener
I strive to communicate in others’ language
I struggle with authority
I believe God places people in leadership and I trust that process
I think staff morale is important
I don’t like phonies
I strive to be true to myself—I don’t always succeed
I have a hard time letting people in
I am drawn to confident people
I am repelled by arrogant people
I promote understanding
I am interested in the whole person
I value friendship
I believe in people
I want to be recognized/acknowledged when I do good
I believe in investing in people
~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~
Have you ever felt this? Had similar thoughts? What is your strategy when you need to find your way?