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crossroads_by_catch___22-d6byk3a

Several years back, I was faced with a difficult choice. I was at a crossroad. I was so inside my own head, I could not find a way out. I could not see a clear path. I hurt so much, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

Sometimes, when things seem murky, when I can’t see clearly, when I am afraid – I write. I write as fast as I can to capture the thoughts running through my mind. I don’t pay attention to grammar or political correctness or sit in judgement of the words that spill out. I just write.

I’ve long since come through that particular difficult time.

But yesterday I came across what I had written back then. It’s so weird to read it. Some parts don’t even sound like me, to me, not anymore anyway. It sounds whiny, helpless, weak.

And I want to edit it so bad before sharing it!

But maybe there’s some value in the rawness of the words. Maybe it’s, I don’t know – human-ish. And maybe it will help someone else to not feel so alone in their thoughts when they are struggling; to not feel like they’ve lost their mind. So here it is, for what it’s worth. As it was written then.

I am trying not to be hasty

I am unsure of myself

I am a peacemaker—I want to make things alright

I need support in things I am not even aware of

I am angry

I am clinging to ideals

I am struggling to keep the fire burning, the passion in my heart

I second guess everything

I operate by instinct and am struggling with process

I feel undervalued

I feel steamrolled

I am tired

I am confused

I take my responsibility seriously

I am a collaborative person by nature

I believe in buy in

I am overwhelmed

I am scattered in thought

I am afraid to fail/disappoint

I operate at best when I feel inspired—I don’t feel inspired

I feel like the things that are important to me don’t matter

I feel incompetent

I feel like I’m expected to magically be at a certain level

I have important strengths

I love people

I believe in impassioning others

I believe in our people, that they can be all they can be

I believe in my team and honour their strengths

I give credit where credit is due

I look for the good

I believe I was called to this place

I believe that God has a purpose for me

I believe in building community and promoting tolerance

I believe in breaking myths and stereotypes

I believe in healthy balance of life

I believe that my staff want to do a good job

I need clear vision/direction

I need to know that my superiors believe in me

I learn best through mentorship and experience

I want to understand and be understood

I know who I am

I know who I want to be

I value mentors

I value protégées

I try not to be judgmental

I live in the grey/the in between

I am not black and white

I believe there are many I’s in team

I value disagreement/different perspectives

I am open

I value constructive criticism

I strive to be a better person

I strive to be a model in decency by the way I conduct myself

I work hard not to speak in anger, but to eventually speak

I believe in kindness

I am a persuader

I offer a unique perspective

I struggle with loneliness—at the same time I keep people at an arm’s length

I am direct

I value honesty

I want to make a difference

I want to leave a mark

I want to empower others to make a difference and leave a mark

I want to unite community

I am generous

I am loyal

I believe in complimenting people, edifying them, pointing out their strengths

I am optimistic

I am impatient

I strive to be a good listener

I strive to communicate in others’ language

I struggle with authority

I believe God places people in leadership and I trust that process

I think staff morale is important

I don’t like phonies

I strive to be true to myself—I don’t always succeed

I have a hard time letting people in

I am drawn to confident people

I am repelled by arrogant people

I promote understanding

I am interested in the whole person

I value friendship

I believe in people

I want to be recognized/acknowledged when I do good

I believe in investing in people

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Have you ever felt this? Had similar thoughts? What is your strategy when you need to find your way?

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