Crossroads

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afraid, approval, confusion, courage, Diana Schwenk, doubts, Fear, growing up, growth, Hump Day Chronicles, insecure, life, memories, mission, passion, peace, Purpose, Relationships, struggles, vision, vulnerability, writing

Several years back, I was faced with a difficult choice. I was at a crossroad. I was so inside my own head, I could not find a way out. I could not see a clear path. I hurt so much, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

Sometimes, when things seem murky, when I can’t see clearly, when I am afraid – I write. I write as fast as I can to capture the thoughts running through my mind. I don’t pay attention to grammar or political correctness or sit in judgement of the words that spill out. I just write.

I’ve long since come through that particular difficult time.

But yesterday I came across what I had written back then. It’s so weird to read it. Some parts don’t even sound like me, to me, not anymore anyway. It sounds whiny, helpless, weak.

And I want to edit it so bad before sharing it!

But maybe there’s some value in the rawness of the words. Maybe it’s, I don’t know – human-ish. And maybe it will help someone else to not feel so alone in their thoughts when they are struggling; to not feel like they’ve lost their mind. So here it is, for what it’s worth. As it was written then.

I am trying not to be hasty

I am unsure of myself

I am a peacemaker—I want to make things alright

I need support in things I am not even aware of

I am angry

I am clinging to ideals

I am struggling to keep the fire burning, the passion in my heart

I second guess everything

I operate by instinct and am struggling with process

I feel undervalued

I feel steamrolled

I am tired

I am confused

I take my responsibility seriously

I am a collaborative person by nature

I believe in buy in

I am overwhelmed

I am scattered in thought

I am afraid to fail/disappoint

I operate at best when I feel inspired—I don’t feel inspired

I feel like the things that are important to me don’t matter

I feel incompetent

I feel like I’m expected to magically be at a certain level

I have important strengths

I love people

I believe in impassioning others

I believe in our people, that they can be all they can be

I believe in my team and honour their strengths

I give credit where credit is due

I look for the good

I believe I was called to this place

I believe that God has a purpose for me

I believe in building community and promoting tolerance

I believe in breaking myths and stereotypes

I believe in healthy balance of life

I believe that my staff want to do a good job

I need clear vision/direction

I need to know that my superiors believe in me

I learn best through mentorship and experience

I want to understand and be understood

I know who I am

I know who I want to be

I value mentors

I value protégées

I try not to be judgmental

I live in the grey/the in between

I am not black and white

I believe there are many I’s in team

I value disagreement/different perspectives

I am open

I value constructive criticism

I strive to be a better person

I strive to be a model in decency by the way I conduct myself

I work hard not to speak in anger, but to eventually speak

I believe in kindness

I am a persuader

I offer a unique perspective

I struggle with loneliness—at the same time I keep people at an arm’s length

I am direct

I value honesty

I want to make a difference

I want to leave a mark

I want to empower others to make a difference and leave a mark

I want to unite community

I am generous

I am loyal

I believe in complimenting people, edifying them, pointing out their strengths

I am optimistic

I am impatient

I strive to be a good listener

I strive to communicate in others’ language

I struggle with authority

I believe God places people in leadership and I trust that process

I think staff morale is important

I don’t like phonies

I strive to be true to myself—I don’t always succeed

I have a hard time letting people in

I am drawn to confident people

I am repelled by arrogant people

I promote understanding

I am interested in the whole person

I value friendship

I believe in people

I want to be recognized/acknowledged when I do good

I believe in investing in people

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Have you ever felt this? Had similar thoughts? What is your strategy when you need to find your way?

Remember You Have A Friend

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200 words, apart, Dad, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, family, friends, grief, loss, reading, stories, writing

“When twilight drops her curtain down and pins it with a star, remember that you have a friend though she may wander far.” ~  L.M. Montgomery

You may have noticed that I haven’t been writing as much as I used to.

You may also have noticed that I haven’t visited your blog as often as I have in the past.

And you would be right. It’s true.

But not because I don’t love writing. And not because I don’t love reading what you write. And not because I don’t love the community I have come to know here in the blogosphere.

I guess in losing Dad, I’ve been feeling a little lost myself and some things, even the things I love have not seemed as urgent to me at this moment in time.

But please know this.

I do value and miss you.

I love sharing my stories with you. I love that you share your stories with me.

And even though I’m not here as much as before I hope that when twilight drops her curtain down and pins it with a star,  you remember that you have a friend though I may wander far.

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

Caught Off Guard and Unprepared

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accountability, Diana Schwenk, excuse, honesty, Hump Day Chronicles, lazy, procrastination, responsibility, slacker, Truth, writing

Well… unprepared – yes. Caught off guard? Not so much.

I mean it’s Wednesday. Wednesdays I write my Hump Day Chronicle post. Been doing that for a year.

So there’s nothing ‘caught off guard’  about it!

It’s my own fault. I knew Wednesday was coming, but every time I thought I should at least have a subject in mind, I just said nah and did something else.

Here’s the weird thing about that. I love writing these posts. I love that moment when I get an idea. Sometimes I get so excited I yell out YEAH and run to the desk to boot up my laptop so I can type my thoughts before they fly out the window. Sometimes I grab a pen and paper while the computer boots up (It’s so s-l-o-w) so I can capture the words even sooner!

It’s more typical for me to be writing a post and miss a dentist appointment, or forget to brush my teeth, or forget to eat, or forget to go to the bathroom.

So I don’t know what happened this time. I don’t know why I didn’t ‘get on it’  – I knew it was coming and did nothing. What can I say?

I can’t be the only slacker though. What aren’t you doing?

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Hello, Hello?

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children, daughters, Diana Schwenk, family, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, kids, laughter, love, writing

I didn’t know what to write about so I sent a text to my daughter:

Help! My mind is blank!

What should I write about for my Hump Day Chronicles post?!?

Ring, ring…

Me: Hello

Michaela: Write about Miley Cyrus. She said she’s going to be sexy until she’s 40 on the Today Show.

Me: What?

Michaela: She says people don’t have sex after 40. You should write about that!

Me: No, I’m not writing about that.

Michaela: Whoa… hello, hello? A cop just went by!

Me: ARE YOU TALKING TO ME ON THE PHONE WHILE YOU’RE DRIVING?!!!

Michaela: No. Carl is driving.

Me: Who’s Carl?

Michaela: He’s a boy… who works for a rival gas station.

Me: Oh.

Michaela: Write about generational gaps between me, you and Oma. How we’re the same and we think differently. How we’re all sarcastic.

Me: (confused facial expression)  No. You write about that.

Michaela: Write about how Oma asked me if I smoke weed. Was she serious?

Me: No

Michaela: Write about how your life as a mom has changed since I’ve become an adult.

Me: How has my life changed?? I’m still dishing over cash and you’re still not taking my advice…?

Michaela: (sigh)  Well I tried to inspire you…

Me: Ok. I love you.

Michaela: So you’re just going to end the conversation now? Write about how we scream along with Kelly Clarkson songs in the car!

Me:  (laughing) I love you!

Michaela: (laughing)  You’re just gonna hang up??

Me: I love you!

Michaela: I love you too mom. I miss you!

Me: I miss Carl.

Michaela: What?

Me: Bye!

Don’t roll your eyes at me Missy – you told me to write about it! 😉

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

My One Year Anniversary on WordPress – Wow!

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community, Diana Schwenk, One Year of Blogging, stories, thank you, WordPress, writing

WordPress notified me this morning that I’ve been blogging for a year!

And I am feeling grateful today.

Random Photo: Doing my part to bring sexy back to ATVing clothing…

Grateful that I have this site to unleash my words upon.

Grateful that I have met so many awesome people around the world.

Grateful for my faithful readers (YOU).

You have taught me so much in your thoughtful comments and provocative posts.

One year. Wow! Where did the time go?

In the beginning…

Originally I was posting every day. And one day a friend told me I would run out of things to say every day and I did!

Right after she said that!

It’s funny how that happens.

So I cut myself a break and decided to post only on Sundays (Diana’s Enormous Book of Quotes) and Wednesdays (Hump Day Chronicles)

Shortly after that, after having received several nominations for awards and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by all the work it is to accept these awards, I started up my Friday Pick as a way to highlight one post I had enjoyed that past week.

Statistics

My most read post has been: What are you doing to build community? with 1,143 views.

The top 3 countries to view my posts have been USA 6,474, Canada 4,781 and Australia 1,123 and there have been hundreds of people from other countries, some I’d never heard of, who have stopped by to visit!

My top 3 commenters are: Artsifrtsy at the eff stop, Wyrd Smythe at Logos con carne and billgncs at bwthoughts and they, along with all my other blogging friends, have become such a wonderful blessing to me.

Thank you

I just want to say a great big Thank You to all of you who have shared my journey and yours with me and have made me laugh, have encouraged me when I felt vulnerable, and who have changed my perspective on the world through sharing your beautiful stories and insights with me.

Thank you to WordPress for this awesome blogging site. I was looking for a place to share my thoughts. I found that here. But I found much more – I found a wonderful online community of beautiful people.