The Corner Of My Eye

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afraid, Alberta, building community, Calgary, Canada, community, compassion, courage, Diana Schwenk, disconnected, elderly, Fear, feeding birds, Hump Day Chronicles, life, lonliness, love, neighbours, Purpose, Relationships, The Bird Lady, world issues

I never knew her name, even though she was my neighbour.

I wrote about her once here. For the most part though, I never paid much attention to her. Sure, I saw her out-of-the-corner-of-my-eye. I even pitied her. And if I am to be completely honest, I felt guilty when I saw her. Guilty because she reminded me that there are many elderly people who are all alone in this world.

Another neighbour who lives a couple of houses to the right stopped to talk to me this past Saturday. She asked me if it was true that the bird lady had passed away. I looked to the left, a couple of buildings over, to the bird lady’s balcony and noticed that her balcony had been cleared of her belongings. To be honest I’ve been wondering if something happened to her. I hadn’t seen her drive slowly around the block or feed the birds in quite some time.

I told my neighbor that once in late summer, I had walked past her balcony to see if I could see a sign of her. I did not. And there was no management phone number on the apartment building that I could call to inquire about her.

So I did nothing.

Me.

The person who goes on and on about the importance of community…

I wonder why I didn’t reach out to her. Well actually, I think I know why.

I was afraid that she might take up a lot of my time.

That there would be things I couldn’t do, if I was involved with her. Things that I would miss. That I would have to give up.

And on a more personal level, I was afraid that I might one day be in her situation. That was something I definitely did not want to think about.

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

I never knew her name and I don’t know what happened to her. But I do know that I don’t want to be someone who sees people out of the corner of my eye…

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Crossroads

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afraid, approval, confusion, courage, Diana Schwenk, doubts, Fear, growing up, growth, Hump Day Chronicles, insecure, life, memories, mission, passion, peace, Purpose, Relationships, struggles, vision, vulnerability, writing

Several years back, I was faced with a difficult choice. I was at a crossroad. I was so inside my own head, I could not find a way out. I could not see a clear path. I hurt so much, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

Sometimes, when things seem murky, when I can’t see clearly, when I am afraid – I write. I write as fast as I can to capture the thoughts running through my mind. I don’t pay attention to grammar or political correctness or sit in judgement of the words that spill out. I just write.

I’ve long since come through that particular difficult time.

But yesterday I came across what I had written back then. It’s so weird to read it. Some parts don’t even sound like me, to me, not anymore anyway. It sounds whiny, helpless, weak.

And I want to edit it so bad before sharing it!

But maybe there’s some value in the rawness of the words. Maybe it’s, I don’t know – human-ish. And maybe it will help someone else to not feel so alone in their thoughts when they are struggling; to not feel like they’ve lost their mind. So here it is, for what it’s worth. As it was written then.

I am trying not to be hasty

I am unsure of myself

I am a peacemaker—I want to make things alright

I need support in things I am not even aware of

I am angry

I am clinging to ideals

I am struggling to keep the fire burning, the passion in my heart

I second guess everything

I operate by instinct and am struggling with process

I feel undervalued

I feel steamrolled

I am tired

I am confused

I take my responsibility seriously

I am a collaborative person by nature

I believe in buy in

I am overwhelmed

I am scattered in thought

I am afraid to fail/disappoint

I operate at best when I feel inspired—I don’t feel inspired

I feel like the things that are important to me don’t matter

I feel incompetent

I feel like I’m expected to magically be at a certain level

I have important strengths

I love people

I believe in impassioning others

I believe in our people, that they can be all they can be

I believe in my team and honour their strengths

I give credit where credit is due

I look for the good

I believe I was called to this place

I believe that God has a purpose for me

I believe in building community and promoting tolerance

I believe in breaking myths and stereotypes

I believe in healthy balance of life

I believe that my staff want to do a good job

I need clear vision/direction

I need to know that my superiors believe in me

I learn best through mentorship and experience

I want to understand and be understood

I know who I am

I know who I want to be

I value mentors

I value protégées

I try not to be judgmental

I live in the grey/the in between

I am not black and white

I believe there are many I’s in team

I value disagreement/different perspectives

I am open

I value constructive criticism

I strive to be a better person

I strive to be a model in decency by the way I conduct myself

I work hard not to speak in anger, but to eventually speak

I believe in kindness

I am a persuader

I offer a unique perspective

I struggle with loneliness—at the same time I keep people at an arm’s length

I am direct

I value honesty

I want to make a difference

I want to leave a mark

I want to empower others to make a difference and leave a mark

I want to unite community

I am generous

I am loyal

I believe in complimenting people, edifying them, pointing out their strengths

I am optimistic

I am impatient

I strive to be a good listener

I strive to communicate in others’ language

I struggle with authority

I believe God places people in leadership and I trust that process

I think staff morale is important

I don’t like phonies

I strive to be true to myself—I don’t always succeed

I have a hard time letting people in

I am drawn to confident people

I am repelled by arrogant people

I promote understanding

I am interested in the whole person

I value friendship

I believe in people

I want to be recognized/acknowledged when I do good

I believe in investing in people

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Have you ever felt this? Had similar thoughts? What is your strategy when you need to find your way?

Don’t Be Fooled By Me

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acceptance, afraid, Charles C. Finn, compassion, courage, facade, Fear, hiding, hope, Hump Day Chronicles, kindness, love, mask, worth

Don’t be fooled by me. Don’t be fooled by the face I wear for I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I’m afraid to take off, and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me, but don’t be fooled, for God’s sake don’t be fooled. I give you the impression that I’m secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water’s calm and I’m in command and that I need no one, but don’t believe me. My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask, ever-varying and ever-concealing. Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness. But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed. That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope, and I know it. That is, if it’s followed by acceptance, if it’s followed by love. It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It’s the only thing that will assure me of what I can’t assure myself, that I’m really worth something. But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare to, I’m afraid to. I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance, will not be followed by love. I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, that you’ll laugh, and your laugh would kill me. I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that’s really nothing, and nothing of what’s everything, of what’s crying within me. So when I’m going through my routine do not be fooled by what I’m saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying, what I’d like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can’t say.

I don’t like hiding. I don’t like playing superficial phony games. I want to stop playing them. I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me but you’ve got to help me. You’ve got to hold out your hand even when that’s the last thing I seem to want. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings– very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me, how you can be a creator–an honest-to-God creator– of the person that is me if you choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble, you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic, from my lonely prison, if you choose to. Please choose to.

Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back. It’s irrational, but despite what the books say about man often I am irrational. I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls and in this lies my hope. Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands but with gentle hands for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every woman you meet.

~ Charles C. Finn September 1966

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

How might we change the way we interact with each other if we thought these words to be true?

I came across this poem again after reading the words, “Let me die…” in my friend, Louise Gallagher’s touching post Stampede has come and gone. yahoo.

Optimism Might Even Unite Us

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200 words, abuse of power, afraid, authority, bureaucracy, community, courage, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, dream, greed, hope, hopeless, making a difference, optimist, overwhelmed, passion, Purpose, unity

“Optimism is the greatest form of rebellion.” Carmen Medina

We live in a world where our options are often dictated to us by those in authority. A few solutions are presented and we vote for the least offensive one.

To operate outside this context seems too overwhelming a task.

Yet those self-appointed with the authority to tackle the big issues in our world are merely looking after their own interests, so why shouldn’t I look after my own?

Because realistically, what difference can I make standing alone against a wall of bureaucracy? A well-oiled machine that moves steadily on, bulldozing everything in its path?

Martin Luther King gave an ‘I have a dream’  speech, not an ‘I have a plan with three options you can choose from’  speech. He was hopeful for a day when all men and women would be equal. He was optimistic about humanity doing the right thing. It was his optimism that united a generation.

One could even say it was the greatest form of rebellion against the accepted norms of his day.

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

Grant me the courage to be optimistic and unite a generation to do the right thing

You Know What’s Boring?

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200 words, Act, afraid, courage, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, Fear, growth, learning, mistakes, perfection, striving, struggles

“Show us a man who never makes a mistake and we will show you a man who never makes anything.” ~ H. L. Wayland

“I love you mom.”

“You know what’s boring?”  I asked not hearing what my daughter said.

“When someone loves you back?”  she replied sarcastically.

“What?!”

“I just said I love you! And YOU asked about what’s boring.”

We burst out laughing. Both my daughter and I are slightly ADD, it’s not unusual for either one of us to get lost in our thoughts and not hear what the other said.

“So…what’s boring mom?”

“Perfection,”  I replied, still laughing, wiping the tears away.

~

Imagine a world where everything is perfect, a world without flaws, no touch-ups needed, no mistakes, no learning, no room to grow, no reason to strive for anything, no appreciation and bewildered joy when something beautiful happens.

And yet we are obsessed with doing everything right the first time. So we work toward perfection, afraid to implement until every i is dotted and every t is crossed before we act, often not acting at all. And then we teach our children to do the same.

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

Closer than you know

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200 words, afraid, alone, believe, Bette Davis, courage, mission, passion, Purpose, vision

The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud. ~ Bette Davis

You know what to do

You’ve known it for some time

You can clearly see it

It is as real as if it already exists

You can feel it

pump through your veins

making your heart jump with anticipation

Your excitement builds

You are fueled with passion

You are more alive than you’ve ever been

You are filled with hope and purpose

And it will be

And you will create it

And you will speak it

~

But you’re alone

And your own thoughts now betray you

Do others not look at you as if you’re crazy?

What are you thinking?

Exactly who do you think you are?

It will never be

Why bother trying

You are being foolish

It’s better to conform

To play by the rules

LIES

It’s more important now than ever before

To gather up your courage

~

Because just when it seems the bleakest

Because just when you are most afraid

You are closer than you know

Find your voice

And have confidence

And trust your instincts

And speak even if your voice shakes

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

Waiting…

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afraid, believe, Calgary, Diana Schwenk, dreams, excuse, faith, fear of failure, inner-voice, living in the moment, snow, spirit, Spring, too old, waiting, walk, weak, winter

The other day one of my friends sent the following tweet:

“Spring, you are such a tease. Let me know when you’re ready to commit and we’ll talk.”

Seriously, spring is a tease!

The boughs of this tree are weighed down with snow

Last week it was 19c that’s about 67f in American!

Her tweet made me laugh – mostly at myself and my own frustration with a winter that seems to be lasting longer than ever.

Waiting for Spring

I have been waiting for spring since February!

The truth is, winter isn’t lasting longer than any other year and I feel this way every year.

Get a grip Diana, after all you live in Canada – why are you surprised?

Well enough is enough.

I need to get out there – with or without spring!

So on Monday in -10c weather

8th Street SW, Mount Royal area

I dressed in layers

put on a hat

grabbed my way-too-expensive down-filled coat and with camera in hand set out for a walk.

Once out there I realized it wasn’t so bad after all.

The sun was shining brightly, causing me to squint and my legs were happy to be moving.

What else I’m waiting for?

Not a fan of waiting at the best of times, my frustration with winter got me to thinking about what else I might be waiting for and why?

If you’ve ever been in a place where you were doing exactly what you knew you should be doing

It used to be said that Calgary has 2 seasons: construction and winter. Lately the two just seem to blend into each other…

and something happened that closed that chapter in your life, you may be able to relate to what I’m about to tell you next.

For the last 2 1/2 years I’ve been waiting out a different kind of winter

waiting for inspiration

waiting for that next opportunity to present itself

waiting for a different kind of spring.

Could it be that it’s time to just stop waiting?

Could it be that I simply need to act and just go do what I am meant to do?

~

But here’s the thing.

I’m afraid.

The Calgary Tower on the right was the tallest building when it was built in the late 60’s. It makes me chuckle to think now that when one is on the observation deck, one can also look up at offices as well as looking down at the folks below.

I have self-doubt.

I could fail and make a fool of myself.

Maybe I’m too old to start something new.

These are not easy things for me to admit.

Even thinking these thoughts (never mind writing them here) makes me feel weak.

Yet I am often encouraging others to take hold of their dreams

to trust their inner-voice

believe in themselves and act accordingly.

It’s time for me to swallow my fears and take my own advice.

I thought items were knocking around in my pocket so I stopped. The knocking continued and I looked up to see a woodpecker and snapped this photo. But I can’t see it in the photo, can you?

Enough is enough.

I need to dress in the layers of my years of experience and believe that they have merit.

I need to adorn my head with all the knowledge I’ve gleaned and believe that it is useful.

I need to cover myself with all the skills I’ve picked up and the value I can bring to my community.

And just walk out that door and do it.

I bet I will find it’s not that bad out there

and when I take that first step in faith

my heart and spirit will just be happy to be soaring again.

I hadn’t been walking (a favourite pastime of mine) because I’ve been waiting for spring.

But on Monday I stopped waiting, dressed for the challenge, went out and enjoyed a long walk.

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Is there something you haven’t been doing because [insert reason]?

Unicorns and Marching Bands

Tags

200 words, afraid, believe, brave, courage, Diana Schwenk, dreams, Fear, mission, Personality trait, Purpose, strong

Anything I’ve ever done that ultimately was worthwhile initially scared me to death ~ Betty Bender

A pep talk to ME and hopefully YOU

“C’mon!” says he

I am intrigued by personality tests and have filled out many over the years.

Some have struck a chord with me and others just seem way out there.

People have told me that I am courageous.

Truth is, I am often afraid but I am a dreamer and this often triumphs over my fears.

Following is an excerpt from one of the personality tests I’ve done.

It has often given me the courage to keep following my heart.

You are not afraid.

Even with headlines about war and mayhem and conniving and sinister people, you approach the world to embrace it, not to run from it.

Where other people anticipate danger in what may be lurking around the corner you expect to come across a unicorn or a marching band who will lead you to a mountain from which you’ll see things with brand new eyes.

I don’t know where I’d be without my dreams

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

What one inate trait carries you through?