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200 words, alone, awakening, bigger purpose, courage, dawn, determined, Diana Schwenk, fall in line, idealism, morning, sleepless, strength, strong, tired
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.” ~ Charles M. Shultz
What piece of the puzzle am I missing?
Why can’t I just do what is expected of me?
Why can’t I just fall in line?
I just can’t do it
It makes my stomach queasy
It feels…
…fake
There’s got to be more
a bigger purpose
Why can’t everyone see it?
Why hasn’t it dawned?
Why won’t it reveal itself?
There was a time when I didn’t mind standing alone…
a time when I felt STRONG
and determined to press on
for the greater good – the bigger purpose.
Now I’m just tired
awake in the night
and alone…and alone feels…
alone.
Yet I can’t let it go
can’t let it slip away
My strength will return… I know
it’s just going to take more than one night.
~
Wandering in the wilderness can be a good thing
It’s like the dark before the dawn
on the edge of awakening
~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~
What awaits you in the morning?
What are you hoping for?
myrthryn said:
It’s though, Diana…it’s tough. I know the feeling. Sometimes the digital connection feels sufficient, at others (like mid-night) it falls away to that feeling of loneliness. It doesn’t help when some in real life seem to be agreeing with you in theory, but action is another matter.
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dianasschwenk said:
Hey thanks for your kind thoughts. I’m OK just trying to figure some things out. I’ve been around long enough to recognize that it’s always darkest before the dawn. I am a loner in a sense but lately I just feel alone in some my thinking. yanno what I mean?
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myrthryn said:
I know…there are times I feel as if there are nofriends to be had..last Friday was one of those nights..I was disconnected from all.. even slept in my van.. next day I spent most of the day tending to what I needed and felt recentered because of it.
If you need to hear the random voice of another of your friends in the wilderness, don’t hesitate to ask.
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Wyrd Smythe said:
Wow… that’s… I mean… ’cause… gee! It’s like you read my mind. Except for the fact that I sleep fine, all the other points have been going through my mind a lot lately. Especially about how standing alone seemed the thing to do once, but it’s like I was too successful at it, and now it’s just being alone. (And people call me “character” and “nutter” and I know they mean it affectionately, but it cuts… it just signifies my alienation.)
I keep waiting for strength to return and the mood to lift. It always has in the past (sometimes all I need is a good night’s sleep). But so far I’m still waiting.
If I find any, though, I’ll split it with ya!!
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dianasschwenk said:
Ditto! If I find strength I’ll split it with you!
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Wyrd Smythe said:
Deal! Also, per your question to myrthryn below: totally, and I’ve been feeling very much the same lately. Trying to post about it, but can’t find the right words. [Can it just be a case of the winter blahs? I dunno.]
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dianasschwenk said:
you mean like ‘brain freeze’?
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Wyrd Smythe said:
More brain blah with regard to winter. Longing for open windows and shorts and tee-shirts.
If it’s not the winter blahs, I think it’s mostly work. What’s going on with you? Think it’s winter blahs or something deeper?
(Pity I can’t just say, “Hey, meet me over at Champs after work and we’ll talk about it over beers.”)
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dianasschwenk said:
It’s just a phase, this too shall pass – although going out for beers sounds like a great idea!
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Wyrd Smythe said:
Let’s see… you’re in BC, right? So halfway between… somewhere in Montana?
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dianasschwenk said:
A-hem, I’m in Alberta about 3 1/2 hours north of the Montana border at National Glacier Park and the famous Road to the Sun! I like Whitefish, some awesome peeps there. How’s that sound?
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Wyrd Smythe said:
Huh! I had it in my head you were on the west coast.
Well, that’s about 1000 miles as the crow flies, and it appears that Road doesn’t open entirely until June! (And not so much “halfway” as “in your back yard!” :grin:)
Gorgeous country, though! And I am planning to retire in June. Hmmm……
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dianasschwenk said:
😉
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Dave said:
Really enjoyed reading this. Had to come back for a second read. It speaks to, and of me.
The questions asked………..just one answer. You can. Everybody can. Perhaps, the real question, ‘Why won’t we?’ It will take just one night maybe, tonight.
What keeps it going? My resistance to letting go? Letting go of what? My refusal to embrace what I believe I am not, and cannot be but, want to be?
Components of an ego that I have allowed to seal my fate? I haven’t come that far in self discovery to this point but, I have every intention of finding out.
I hope you will find a new entry point for your peaceful existence on a daily basis.
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dianasschwenk said:
Ahh Maybe tonight…thanks for stopping by Dave and for your encouraging and thoughtful comment!
xo
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joannerambling said:
So blood true
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dianasschwenk said:
Isn’t it though…
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artsifrtsy said:
Beautifully and vulnerably written – I feel like this sometimes, but I have a bent for just trudging through and thinking later. I find myself now in a season where I want an adventure – I need to shake things up. I love the Schulz quote – he was quite the philosopher 🙂
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dianasschwenk said:
Yes he was! It seems to me you have a lot of adventures…
xo
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elizabeth2560 said:
Yes, the “alone” bit is a bit daunting in the middle of the night.
“Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart and you’ll never walk alone”
(Oscar Hammerstein)
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dianasschwenk said:
Another great quote for my collection – thanks Elizabeth!
xo
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elizabeth2560 said:
It is actually a song.
‘When you walk through a storm’ from Carousel by Rodgers and Hammerstein.
An oldie but goodie
(That is; if you are in to songs that have both literal and deep philosophical meanings to them)
🙂
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dianasschwenk said:
Thanks – I love songs and music and things that have double meanings!
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elizabeth2560 said:
So how is it going – now that it has been ‘more than one night’.
Any further through your thought processes, in coming to any conclusion?
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dianasschwenk said:
No, not really, but less stressed about it! Thanks for asking!
xo
Diana
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mindfuldiary said:
I can relate to this. Very beautifully written Diana. Wanted to share this quote with you….”Always remember to judge everything by your inner feeling of bliss.”(Osho) This made finding the missing piece of puzzle just a little easier. hugs 🙂
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dianasschwenk said:
I love quotes – thank you for sharing one that means so much to you!
xo
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russtowne said:
“It’s like the dark before the dawn
on the edge of awakening”
Beautiful and wise Diana. Thank you for this great post.
Russ
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you Russ for your continued encouragement and friendship.
xo
Diana
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mrs fringe said:
Looks like we’ve been on a similar path of thoughts. I have no answers, but I love your poem, and (((((Hugs)))) for you ❤
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dianasschwenk said:
Hugs back at you and thank you! I know a lot of people feel this way from time to time and it was quite a challenge for me to be this vulnerable – seriously…We go through this together, alone… it’s strange eh?
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mrs fringe said:
It’s strange and frankly, it feels quite terrible. Eventually I’ll revert back to numb. I don’t recommend it as a healthy coping mechanism, but sometimes it has to be that way, for me.
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dianasschwenk said:
You’re not the only one that does that! And actually I think it is healthy to numb out sometimes, walk away from it mentally, regroup, rest and come back when you’re ready. I’ve done that many times. 🙂
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mrs fringe said:
It fees trite to say, but we do what we have to do.
🙂
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Ruby said:
It sounds like a suppressed memory to me that will pop up soon. I’ve been there many nights waiting for answers but they didn’t come unless I was ready to face them. Your post is so true, have a beautiful Sunday!
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you Ruby, you too! I think I’m just looking for the next adventure…a place to belong… a place to move forward with like-minded individuals and make a difference. 🙂
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Ruby said:
Adventures are the salt of life, it spices up our lives! I wish you to find the best one and enjoy it to the fullest!
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dianasschwenk said:
(smiling) Thank you so much!
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dianasschwenk said:
oh but I will try to be open to any possiblity – thank you Ruby!
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criticalreviewer said:
The strength and purpose will come back and renewal is just around the corner. Be kind to yourself and I pray today you find some peace. 🙂
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dianasschwenk said:
Thanks so much Kirsten – means a lot. 🙂
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Jennifer's Journal said:
You have given me pause since I read this expressive post this morning, I have been there, and more than once, Diana. I hope today gives you some peace.
Jennifer x
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you so much Jennifer! I appreciate your good wishes. 🙂
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The Presents of Presence said:
A new day awaits me in the morning ~ the reset button to start over ~ a new dawn ~ the delete button to erase whatever was yesterday’s woes that I can’t fix. It’s the new page to write on filled with whatever I choose! Love your poem! Hope you find beauty, joy and inspiration today! xo
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dianasschwenk said:
(smiling) thank you so much – Happy Sunday to you!
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bulldog said:
To bed to sleep to rest.. to see a smiling sun in the morning…
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dianasschwenk said:
Sweet dreams. 🙂
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bodhisattvaintraining said:
tired here too…
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dianasschwenk said:
ahh
We’ll wait together then. 🙂
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on thehomefrontandbeyond said:
are we twins — we are having twin thoughts — nicely expressed —
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dianasschwenk said:
Maybe! Thanks so much!
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jmgoyder said:
So true.
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dianasschwenk said:
tough for someone like me who likes things to happen quickly! 😉
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