The Funny Things She’s Said

Tags

200 words, children, daughters, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, family, growing up, humour, joy, kids, laughter, memories, parents, Relationships

I don’t know, but we’re having it! ~ Michaela Schwenk

We all think our own kids are pretty smart, right?

From the moment she could talk my daughter, Michaela was witty and often unintentionally funny.

~

Michaela had many ear infections when she was little. This led to many doses of antibiotics. And this led to diaper rash.

Once while applying Penaten cream (the best cure for diaper rash ever!) and putting a clean diaper on I said, “so how is your little buttocks now?”

“Butts don’t talk silly!”  she said laughing.

~

I was in the shower once when I heard the phone ring. “Hello?”  I heard her say.

“Um, Mom can’t come to the phone right now, she’s naked.”

~

I’d scolded her, told her to get back to the table this instant.

Defeated she hung her head and started walking back.

“P.M.S.,”  she explained to a father and his kids having lunch.

~

One day, while planning her 5th birthday party, she said

“Mom, can Michael come to my birthday party?”

“Of course!”

“Great, cause we’re gonna have sex.”

“Oh really? What’s sex Michaela?”

“I don’t know, but we’re having it!”

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES”

Hello, Hello?

Tags

children, daughters, Diana Schwenk, family, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, kids, laughter, love, writing

I didn’t know what to write about so I sent a text to my daughter:

Help! My mind is blank!

What should I write about for my Hump Day Chronicles post?!?

Ring, ring…

Me: Hello

Michaela: Write about Miley Cyrus. She said she’s going to be sexy until she’s 40 on the Today Show.

Me: What?

Michaela: She says people don’t have sex after 40. You should write about that!

Me: No, I’m not writing about that.

Michaela: Whoa… hello, hello? A cop just went by!

Me: ARE YOU TALKING TO ME ON THE PHONE WHILE YOU’RE DRIVING?!!!

Michaela: No. Carl is driving.

Me: Who’s Carl?

Michaela: He’s a boy… who works for a rival gas station.

Me: Oh.

Michaela: Write about generational gaps between me, you and Oma. How we’re the same and we think differently. How we’re all sarcastic.

Me: (confused facial expression)  No. You write about that.

Michaela: Write about how Oma asked me if I smoke weed. Was she serious?

Me: No

Michaela: Write about how your life as a mom has changed since I’ve become an adult.

Me: How has my life changed?? I’m still dishing over cash and you’re still not taking my advice…?

Michaela: (sigh)  Well I tried to inspire you…

Me: Ok. I love you.

Michaela: So you’re just going to end the conversation now? Write about how we scream along with Kelly Clarkson songs in the car!

Me:  (laughing) I love you!

Michaela: (laughing)  You’re just gonna hang up??

Me: I love you!

Michaela: I love you too mom. I miss you!

Me: I miss Carl.

Michaela: What?

Me: Bye!

Don’t roll your eyes at me Missy – you told me to write about it! 😉

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

My Witty Nephew

Tags

children, Diana Schwenk, family, growing up, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, kids, laughter, living in the moment, love, memories, Relationships

Whilst on my visit back east, I spent just a little more than a day with my brother and his family in Montreal. I don’t often see them and it’s always great to catch up.

Spencer and me. We texted this picture to his Mom while watching Inspector Gadget

On the Monday before I left, while my brother, Michael and his wife, Heather went to work, I was able to catch up with the goings-on I’d missed on WordPress, take a walk to the nearest strip mall and enjoy a Timmy’s coffee and my favourite part of the day – pick up my nine year-old Nephew, Spencer from after school day care.

It was a cool day as I set off. I mumbled a reprimand to myself for not packing warmer clothing. But the crisp cool air was invigorating and brilliant fall colours looked bright in contrast to the overcast sky.

I reached the playground beside Spencer’s school in a few short minutes and watched him kick around a soccer ball with some friends. When he finally saw me, he waved me into the yard…

or so I thought.

I was half way into the yard, when a petite, French Canadian Day Care employee called out, “Hey, you can’t be in here while we line up the children to go in!”

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t know, I’m here to pick up my Nephew”  I said.

She softened, “You have to pick him up at the door around the corner and sign him out.”

I nodded my understanding and left the yard.

Once inside the day care, a table blocked me from going further in and I let the woman behind the table know that I was there to pick Spencer up. After checking my ID (my brother had sent an email that morning to let them know I was coming),  she picked up her Walkie Talkie and asked them to send Spencer in.

Impressive security – I thought!

As we walked home, Spencer asked me why I’d gone into the yard. I explained that I had thought he had waved me.

“Well I didn’t,”  he asserted

“I know,”  I replied.

He stopped, looked down and kicked at the dirt with his foot.

“It’s not your fault Spencer, I messed up. Did I embarrass you?”

“Nope,”  he replied. “You embarrassed yourself.”

A meadow near my parent’s place

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

What Can Compare To Love?

Tags

caring, Charity, community, compassion, courage, Diana Schwenk, family, friends, generosity, intimacy, joy, kids, kindness, living in the moment, love, Pablo Neruda, parents, passion, Purpose

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” ~ Pablo Neruda

I read this quote on the sidebar of one of your blogs some time ago. I do not remember who’s blog it was, but if it is yours, please let me know and I will reference your blog. Over the last few weeks I keep coming back to this quote, saying it out loud, breathing in its meaning. And then yesterday I read this post on wisejourney’s  blog and it again reminded me of the above quote. I have never read anything that describes love as beautifully as this. I think it must be the closest thing to perfect love on this side of heaven.

In the light of love like this all other things pale in beauty

Ahh the beautiful things I have seen;  like sunsets/rises, the detailed design and brilliant colours on butterflies, the turquoise lakes in the Canadian Rocky Mountains.

and the beautiful sounds I have heard;  like the waves crashing on the shore, the wind blowing through autumn leaves, the crickets’ song at night, a lone wolf howling at the moon.

and the beautiful textures I have touched or been touched by;  walking barefoot on lush grass, feeling the warmth of the sun on my face, the cleansing coolness of water on a hot day.

and the beautiful things I have tasted;  like a crisp and juicy apple freshly picked from a tree, bread fresh from the oven slathered in butter, a cold beer on a hot day.

As beautiful as all these things are they are nothing compared to the sights, sounds, texture and tastes of love.

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply and without pride…

In the light of love like this all other things that make us feel secure seem trivial.

If I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, a great job, a great car, the latest technological gadget, a good education, a command of many languages, more money than I know what to with, the admiration and respect of multitudes – will I then feel secure?

As far as security is concerned, can anything compare to knowing that the ones you love and are loved by have promised to be there and face whatever comes together with you?

…I love you this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you…

In the light of love like this the word alone  seems foreign

Love – whether it be a child’s love toward their parents, the love of a spouse, the love of a parent for their child, or the love of mankind on the whole  – has the power to manifest true beauty  in acts of compassion, draw out courage and hope  in any crisis and bring unimaginable and indescribable joy.

…so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

I invite you to share your thoughts on love and your links to posts about love below

As you can see…I turned out OK…

Tags

children, Diana Schwenk, family, growing up, happy, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, joy, kids, laughter, love, memories, old photos, parents, Relationships

I was thrilled when Mom recently sent me a bunch of photos from the early days of our family. Today it is my pleasure to share some of them with you and tell you a little bit about them. I will do my best to tell you what’s going on in each photo, but please know, if I can’t remember, I am not afraid to make something up!

Heinz and Margot

When I was little I thought my dad was the smartest  and handsomest  man in the world. At night when he tucked me in I would say, “Daddy, when I’m old enough will you divorce mommy and marry me?”  He always chuckled and said, “We’ll see how you feel about it when you’re older.”  Mom always read to us and I remember her singing to us at bedtime  – You are my sunshine, my only sunshine – I thought she had the most beautiful voice in the world, the voice of an angel. I day-dreamed about being as good a singer as her one day.

The Christmas Tree

I think I’m three years old in this photo and Mom has told me that this was the first Christmas that I was aware of the tree, decorations and presents. Forty-seven years later, my best friend will tell you that I am hardly ever aware of things around me. I’ll be all like, “Hey, check out the new restaurant!” And she’ll be all, “Yeah, it’s really changed the neighbourhood since they opened…..5 years ago!”

Breakfast with Mike

“Really? You’re taking a picture when I’ve just woken up? It’s not bad enough that you’re making us eat porridge?” Apparently, I’ve never really been a “cheerful”  person in the morning. But nevermind me, doesn’t Mike look hung over?

The truck and Raggedy-Ann

“Dis twuck…is..good toy!” “Oh you naive little boy, everyone knows Raggedy-Ann is where it’s at..” Years later, in our teens at Christmas, I bought Mike a Frank Zappa album and he bought me a Pink Floyd album. We opened our gifts, said thanks and traded albums.

Yeah rough-housing is an excellent way to get us ready for bed Dad!

Dad was great for play fighting and humoured me when I fancied myself as a German Shepherd by whistling for me and patting my head. But seriously, a wrestling match was not an effective way to convince us that it was time for bed. I distinctively remember thinking that the fun had just begun, “and you want me to what…go to bed?”

In my grandparent’s backyard in Berlin, Germany

This would be my first of many ‘World Domination’  speeches: “Ok, pay attention boy, I’m the oldest, I’m in charge, you will do as you’re told!” “Yeah, sure, whatever floats your boat…pyscho…”

I have always loved summer and bikinis!

True Story: That used to be a one-piece bathing suit and when I grew taller, Mom cut it into a two-piece. I was so excited to wear it – I felt like a woman! Whoa, do my feet look extra-large to you?

I’m in heaven!

My love for water and sunshine exists to this very day! Some 42 years later, my Mom and I would take our first tropical trip (neither of us had EVER been south) together to the Dominican Republic. Turns out she loves water and sunshine too.

Winter sucks!

As much as I love summer, I hate winter! “Seriously, what’s with all these layers? Oh, it’s %^$#((^ cold out here! And I have to pee!”

Three guesses as to where I get my weirdness from…

Dad was always trying to be funny or make people do a double-take…like the time we came down for breakfast and he was in his underwear with a long red-haired wig reading the paper or the time he was watering the lawn (before the sod had been lain)  in a thunderstorm with an umbrella…I’ll never forget the looks on the faces of our neighbours as they gawked out their windows!

The holidays

Here’s a family photo of Dad, Freddy the Teddy, me, Mike and Mom. In later years, I gave Freddy to some poor kids down the street because he had provided me such friendship and security and I thought he would brighten their day. Later that day, I passed their home again and much to my horror, Freddy was torn to shreds on the front lawn!

Just hanging’ with some friends

In spite of all these things, I turned out OK..wouldn’t you agree?

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

I wonder how my daughter will portray her childhood when she’s 50!

Now tell me how your childhood was weirder than mine…please!

Um, Actually…

Tags

Almond, Amaretto, arguements, being right, catch a cold, correctors, Diana Schwenk, Disaronno, family, growing up, Hump Day Chronicles, kids, laughter, parents, Relationships, teens, virus

I come from a long line of Correctors.

(By the way,this post was inspired by 40 is the new 13 and my hasty comment here.)

Yes, I said Correctors, not Collectors – although Dad has collections of most everything.

When someone says something – anything at all, someone in my family will surely say, “Um, actually…”

A conversation I’ve had with Mom for forever is about how one actually catches a cold or flu.

This is the way one must dress in extreme weather in order to avoid a cold ~ Mom

Mom: You better dress warm or you’ll catch a cold.

Me: Um, actually…Mom, you catch a cold when you come into contact with the virus.

Mom: Dress warm dear!

Me: Mom! Did you hear me? You catch a cold when you come into contact with someone who has the virus!

Mom: (laughing) I heard you…dress warm you don’t want to catch a cold, do you?

As I’ve matured, it has become less important for me to be right – well most of the time. Maybe I need to let go of this 40 year discussion of catching colds. Maybe both of us are right. Maybe cold weather wreaks havoc on our immune system and then when we do come into contact with someone who has a cold, we catch it.

But then this age-old conversation, albeit with a new slant, resurfaces…

Me: Gee, I have a cold Mom.

Mom: Ha! I told you to stay away from so-and-so yesterday. I told you you would catch his cold but you didn’t want to listen, did you?

Me: Um, actually…Mom I didn’t catch his cold, it takes several days for the virus to incubate…so I didn’t catch HIS cold per se…

Mom: Yet you have a cold after spending time with him, don’t you?

Me: Mom, didn’t you hear me? It takes several days…

Mom: (interrupting) How do you know that??

Me: (rolling my eyes) Mom everyone knows that…

So why was I surprised when my own flesh-and-blood daughter became a Corrector – She can’t help it. It’s in her DNA – From the very moment she could talk she’s been correcting me!

This past Christmas Mom, Dad, Michaela and I were sitting around my parent’s diningroom table. We were playing a dice game and having a few drinks. Michaela was drinking Disaronno with Coke.

Dad: Disaronno is essentially Amaretto.

Me: No it’s not.

Michaela: Um, actually it is Mom, here taste it.

Dad: (grinning)

Me: Yuck that’s gross with Coke! But it does taste like Amaretto. You know…Amaretto is made from nuts – almonds to be exact…

Michaela: Um, actually Almonds are not nuts.

Me: Yes they are!

Michaela: Nope, they are the pit of a fruit most closely related to peaches and cherries.

Me: That’s ridiculous!

Michaela: (picks up phone, googles almonds and slides phone toward me)

Me: (puts on reading glasses and looks) Well I’ll be… how did you know that??

Michaela: (rolls eyes) Mom everyone knows that…

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

In spite of their need to continually correct me I love them to pieces!

My Family

Mom and me in Puerto Plata

Me and Michaela at Callaway Park

with my nephew

with my Sister-in-law

Dad, Mom and me

“I told you to dress warm…”

“What…”

Happy Birthday money

Michaela’s grad

Mr. Fix-It

Mike, Spencer and Heather

The coolest picture of my brother ever!

What conversations have you had with your family for forever?

A Camrosian Easter

Tags

Camrose Alberta, daughters, Diana Schwenk, Easter, family, growing up, kids, love, peace, Ramada, Relationships, teens

I’ve compiled some tidbits for your reading pleasure on my Easter trip to Camrose, Alberta to see my daughter.

Riptors, their mating habits and other fascinating facts

I always stay at the Ramada in Camrose when visiting my daughter because they have a swimming pool and we both love the water.

We also both love making up stories.

The rare and elusive Riptor

On a previous visit I pretended I was a raptor while running under water with my upper body leaning forward and my hands looking like I imagine a T-Rex’s hands look, only I said Riptor instead of Raptor.

Michaela thought that was hilarious and immediately corrected me – a favourite pastime of hers.

So on this Easter visit we pretended we were British documentary narrators informing the public on the elusive and rare Riptors only our British accents sounded half Australian so we invented Braustralia a country where incidentally, the rare Riptors live and mate (rather brutishly, making the mating of sharks seem rather tame) and also commented on how they wean their young.

“What? Wait. Wean? Michaela Riptors don’t nurse their young!”

“Really Mom? Riptors aren’t real!”

The Feature Nail

I never paint my fingernails because the moment I wash dishes or do anything whatsoever they chip. But Michaela wanted to paint my nails because “they look fake” they’re naturally long.

“Why is that one nail a different colour?”

The Feature Nail

“That’s the feature nail.”

“Why can’t my middle finger be the feature nail so I can show it to people in this way…?”

“Mom!”

“Just asking…”

Timmy Run

I’ve never let Michaela drive my car, but on this visit I really wanted a Timmy’s coffee but I was already in my sweats and didn’t want to go out.

“Geesh Mom, I’ve been driving for a year, I’ll make a Timmy’s run.”

“Umm…OK.”

Well the earth didn’t implode and no one was maimed and I got a Timmy’s coffee.

Maybe I need to acknowledge my baby girl is all grown-up now?

TOMS

I bought Michaela and me matching shoes, TOMS to be exact. They are very comfortable and when you buy a pair the company also gives a pair to a child in Haiti or some other tropical place.

Yup, they even travel there and hand-deliver them – I’ve even seen pictures of smiling children wearing them!

It got me thinking…what kind of company could I start where I could charge somebody double for something and then personally deliver the same thing to someone else who lives by a tropical ocean?

Peace

Peace

My daughter bought a bunch of bracelets that all said different things on them and gave me the one that says Peace. “

Because Mom, I think that peace suits you.”

Easter Dinner

Michaela and I were invited to a most delicious Easter dinner at her Dad’s house.

Who says exes can’t get along, especially when there is a home-made meal involved!

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

You know…every time I see my daughter I’m struck with what a beautiful and smart young woman she is.

I just know she is going to make a mark on this world!

How did you spend your Easter?

Resurecting an Old Idea – Will you help me?

Tags

children, Diana Schwenk, giving a voice to today's youth, kids, teens, world issues, youth leadership

I work with an amazing young woman who is passionate and bright.

She’s an idealist with loads of conviction, creativity and vision.

She inspires me and causes me to remember the big dreams I had and how hard it was to be taken seriously when I was in my twenties.

It’s a little bit sad that we don’t hear what young people have to say – after all we are shaping a world for them, leaving an inheritance of our own design, often without any thought to what’s important to them.

I suspect that if we really listen, young people have an insightful and powerful message to share with us.

What kind of world do we want to pass on to the next generation?

What do they see as the most important issues we are facing today?

Young people have an insightful and powerful message to share

What keeps them awake at night? I want to give them a voice to speak out.

Almost a year ago it was my desire to write a post that would give a voice to the next generation.

I asked three questions (below) in the hopes that enough young people would answer them that I could write a revealing and meaningful post.

But I was new to WordPress and didn’t know as many people as I do now, so I am giving it another shot today.

~

If you are 25 or younger or you have kids in that age group, would you pass these questions on?

Help me give a voice to tomorrow’s leaders.

~ QUESTIONS ~

What do you think is the world’s biggest issue or problem? (describe it)

What do you think needs to be done to solve this issue or problem?/What are you willing to do?

Do you think it will be solved in your lifetime? Why or why not?

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Looking to the future…

Younger children will need their parent’s help. Please also provide your first name and age and send your responses to me at talktodiana2004@yahoo.ca 

I really want to know what young people are thinking, don’t you?

Related articles

• Young people, Speak Out! What future do you want? (jamesgondwe.wordpress.com)

Christmas Past

Tags

Christmas Eve, Diana Schwenk, family, friends, growing up, happy, joy, kids, love, memories, Perry Como, Rouladen, Santa

Come on, hurry! Let’s go upstairs and change. Santa won’t come if we’re watching for him! ~ Mom

My mother prodded us up the stairs into the bathroom.

CRASH! BOOM! BANG!

Noises filtered upstairs as we got dressed for our traditional German Christmas Eve celebrations.

“We don’t have a chimney, how will Santa get in?” we wondered, “and where’s Dad?”

“Santa will figure it out, be quiet and get dressed,” Mom urged.

Our dining room table, rescued from someone’s garbage years ago had been stripped of multiple layers of paint and restored to its original beauty by my parents.

It was decked out with Rouladen and Rote Kohl for dinner.

A wreath with four advent candles flickered as Perry Como crooned Christmas songs from the old console stereo.

The tree lit up the room in a soft, colourful glow, the Angel was perched at the very top and presents were stacked below.

Seated around the table were Mom, Dad, Michael and me.

Some Christmases we were joined by Onkel Karl, Tante Stella, Eva and Jim.

Christmas was magical – maybe because we celebrated Christmas Eve

when it was dark and the lights were colourful and everything was shining

especially our smiles.

A Bonus Saturday Post

Tags

Birthday, children, courage, daughters, Diana Schwenk, family, growing up, kids, laughter, love, memories, parents, stress, teens

What seems to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise. ~ Oscar Wilde

I don’t normally post anything on Saturdays but today is a special day.

You see, 19 years ago today I was taken to the Peter Lougheed Hospital here in Calgary.

The doctor was worried.

Things weren’t the way they were supposed to be.

I was classified as “high risk” and had been undergoing numerous tests over the last 3 months.

I’d been so worried, but worrying was just adding stress and stress was exactly what I didn’t need.

I’d been given strict orders to rest, be still and calm.

I was going out of my mind.

I was restless and all this quiet time just made me think more…

and thinking more stressed me out!

~

But there’s a happy ending to my story.

At 6:50 pm, I gave birth to my beautiful daughter.

The doctor came to see me the next morning to congratulate us.

He hadn’t been hopeful – but we made it.

My girl’s a fighter.

She was born a fighter and she’s a strong young woman today.

~

Happy Birthday Angel Girl – I love you so very much!

And here for your birthday is one of my favourite photo session memories

Camera Madness 2007!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.