What Would Onkel Karl do?

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Diana Schwenk, family, funny, growing up, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, joy, laughter, life, Life's like that, memories, professionals, Relationships, repairs, vacuum

THIS PAST SATURDAY I was vacuuming the living room when the powerhead suddenly turned itself off. I turned the vacuum off and that’s when I noticed the Belt Protector Reset button. So I pushed it and turned the vacuum back on. It ran for a few seconds, then turned itself off again.

Maybe it’s clogged I thought. So I…

• checked the vacuum bag, and yeah it was full. I put in a new bag.
• spent an hour learning how to take the vacuum apart and checked all the hoses and bits for dirt. Clean as a whistle.
• I checked the brush roller thingy and it did not move. It was stuck. I noticed lots of hairs and fibers and tried to pull them out. No go – the roller brush thingy would not budge.
• So I tried to take the powerhead apart. On the flip side I read, “Flip powerhead and read manual for further instructions.

Manual?

I’d bought the vacuum secondhand. I have no manual. Not that I ever read them when I have them.

So there, I sat cross-legged on the kitchen floor.

What would Onkel Karl do?

Onkel Karl was an old friend of Dad’s. In fact they hung out together as teenagers in Wittenau, Berlin.

They did normal teenage things with about 52 other teenagers, or so I’ve been led to believe.

Cute things like lifting people’s cars over their pretty fences with cute little walk-through gates .

There was no way these car owners could get their cars out of their yards without taking their fences down.

Yeah cute things. They did cute things like that.

Years went by and Onkel Karl emigrated to Canada, as did my parents.

Upon the blessed event of my birth, Onkel Karl and Tante Stella were asked, and agreed, to be my Godparents.

I loved Onkel Karl.

I always thought he looked a little like Jackie Gleason, you know, the ‘to the moon Alice’ guy from that show The Honeymooners?

In fact, the only two men I loved back then were Dad and Onkel Karl. Onkel Karl had a trained German Shepherd. A would-be burglar could walk into his house, start loading stuff in his loot bag while dancing a jig, and good ole Rex would just lay there, barely even looking up.

But when the poor unsuspecting thief would try to leave, Rex would spring into action, pin him down, baring his teeth and holding him there until Onkel Karl got home.

I used to love visiting Onkel Karl and Tante Stella because they lived on 120 acres of land and there were lots of fun things to do. Onkel Karl taught Mike and I to drive his skidoo. Once while I was driving, I hit a bit of a bump and Onkel Karl went flying off the back of the Skidoo.

On his land, Onkel Karl also had a landing strip.

YUP, A LANDING STRIP!

He owned a 4-passenger plane and took us up for a ride every now and then. Once when I was about twelve, he let me take the controls – Woo Hoo!

As well as all of that, Onkel Karl was a businessman. He owned and operated a secondhand vacuum/repair shop. My parents always bought Mom’s favourite standup Hoover vacuums there.

So there I sat on the kitchen floor looking at the pieces of my vacuum and wondered what Onkel Karl would do.

And I swear I heard his voice telling me, “Take it to that vacuum repair place on 11th Ave and 14th Street.”

Reasonable advice I thought, especially since I don’t really have a good track record of being able to put stuff that I take apart back together…

…like that hot summer day when my floor fan died and I thought maybe I should clean it and sat on the living room floor cross-legged with a screwdriver and took it apart and there were so many pieces on the floor and I was unable to put it back together and it was so hot that sweat was dripping from my hairline and a blue cloud of cuss words escaped my mouth as I picked up the stupid fan pieces, put them in a stupid cardboard box  and carried them out to the stupid dumpster in the back and headed out to the store to buy a new stupid fan…

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Are you a Mr./Mrs. Fix It? Or like me, is it just best to call on a professional?

I Don’t Know What Time It Is

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200 words, alarm clock, Blackberry, communication, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, humour, phone calls, Relationships, technology, texting, unplug, world issues

There are few times that I feel more at peace, more in tune, more Zen, if you will, than when I force myself to unplug. ~ Harlan Coben

Really?

I’m not so sure Harlan.

Because I keep reaching for it, but it’s not there.

I don’t know what time it is, having gotten rid of the clock several years back.

I don’t know how I’ll wake up on time to go to work tomorrow. I threw out my radio/alarm clock a few days ago.

What if someone needs to call me? I got rid of my landline a year ago.

What if I miss an important text? What if someone’s crushed because they think I’m ignoring them?

Those were my thoughts on Wednesday when I forgot my Blackberry at work. I noticed at home when I reached into that special compartment of my purse.

“No biggie,” I thought. “I’ll update my Facebook to let people know I forgot my phone. I’ll send an email to work, if I’m not there it’s because there’s no alarm to wake me.”

No biggie

Peace? In tune? Zen?

That’s not what I felt…

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Do you reach for it when it’s not there?

I Kinda Like Edmonton, It’s Not Scary At All

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Alberta, all in fun, Calgary, Canada, daughters, Edmonton, embarassing your kids, family, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, Karaoke, Life's like that, living in the moment, Michaela, rivalry, road trip, rudeness

5:30 sunrise – Edmonton Alberta Canada

I had arranged to meet my northern colleagues in Edmonton this past Monday, and I’d decided to come early so I could spend some time with my daughter, Michaela and her boyfriend Stephen.

That way I wouldn’t have to drive three hours there and three hours back in one day.

I always get all turned around when I drive to, and try to navigate, another city. I have no sense of direction whatsoever. In fact, it’s a fair bet that if I feel strongly about going one way, I should probably be going the other way!

Luckily, I only had to circle once to get to the Ramada Hotel when I arrived in Edmonton on Saturday afternoon.

The kids met me at the hotel for dinner. Much to my dismay, it was Karaoke night.

I don’t like Karaoke and I’m not very good at hiding my dislike of Karaoke.

Turns out my face gives me away and I just can’t keep my opinions to myself.

Me, Michaela and Stephen

If loose lips sink ships, I sunk a whole fleet!

I really don’t mean to be disrespectful or rude – honest!

It’s just that Karaoke is the equivalent to fingernails scratching across the black board to me.

Michaela was a tad mortified by my behavior but aside from that, we enjoyed a nice dinner, caught up on all the latest news and met some really cool people!

The next day, I met the kids in their part of town.  We enjoyed a lovely brunch at Smitty’s and afterwards they introduced me to their two Siamese cats Lily and Keetah and their hamster Enchilada…

no that’s not it – Fajita

nope that’s not it either, Burritos – yeah that’s it!

They also brought me to the coolest coffee shop in St. Albert, a small town on the outskirts of Edmonton.

The coolest coffee shop in St. Albert

You know…I hear a lot of talk about rivalry between Calgary and Edmonton.

Something to do with hockey, I think; Calgary Flames vs. Edmonton Oilers. Or the Calgary Stampede vs. Klondike Days. Or Edmonton is getting a new arena and now we want one too or something along those lines.

I suspect the two cities secretly like each other though, why else would Calgary have a street called Edmonton Trail and Edmonton have a street called Calgary Trail?

I guess I’ve never really gotten caught up in that whole Calgary/Edmonton rivalry because I’m from Montreal originally, and I know the real important thing is The-Montreal-Canadiens-are-better-than-the-Toronto-Maple-Leafs.

Dinosaur on Calgary Trail in Edmonton

I kinda like Edmonton. It’s not scary at all!

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Does your city have a rival city?

Once Upon A Time – The Story of My Life

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Alberta, brother, Calgary, Canada, children, Dad, Diana Schwenk, family, Germany, growing up, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, life, memories, Mom, parents, Relationships, stories

Long, long ago in a land called Germany

ONCE UPON A TIME, LONG, LONG AGO in a land called Germany, a boy and girl fell in love and married. The newly weds travelled by ship across the great ocean to start a family in a foreign land called Canada.

And then a lollipop- sucking son to complete the family.

The daughter and son loved each other very much in spite of the sword play at 2:14PM. Don’t believe me? Click on the photo to enlarge it.

From bonding over lollipops, the daughter and son learned sword play and other things and thrived in the new land across the great ocean.

Then lots of other stuff happened.

The children grew up and left the nest.

The son stayed in the area and the daughter travelled thousands of miles across the country to make a life in the west.

More time passed and the family made many visits back and forth to maintain their ties.

The son had a son. The daughter had a daughter.

By now you have guessed that I am the daughter of the boy and girl who married long, long ago in the land called Germany and travelled by ship across the great ocean to start a family.

And the early part of my story with my daughter, Michaela continues below on one of our visits back home across the great land.

Playing piano at Oma and Opa’s house

Sitting on a rock in the woods with Opa

Sitting on a log in the woods with Oma

Oh how Oma and Opa loved when Michaela played piano, they could hardly wait for her to wake up and play it again. And Oma and Opa and Michaela and Max, the white dog, enjoyed walks in the woods and sitting on rocks and logs.

And back out west our lives carried on and Michaela asked many questions and thought deeply about the mysteries of life.

Michaela stares into the distance pondering the meaning of life at the Bow River

There’s got to be more to life than riding the horsey…

maybe it’s all about being cool. I look cool like this, right?

Haha I gotcha! I’ll just be myself.

I’ll just hang out with Mommy for now, and figure out life another day

Playing Hop Scotch in Calgary, Alberta

And the story continues and lots of other stuff still happens on the west side of the great land that lays across the great ocean by the land called Germany where long, long ago a boy and girl fell in love and were married.

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

What’s your story?

They’ve gotten me from here to there

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cars, Diana Schwenk, driving, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, Life's like that, living in the moment, memories, Relationships

They didn’t have feelings per se, but each one of them had distinct personalities and I developed a relationship, of sorts, with each and every one of them.

The first, in many ways, was my favourite. Not the best-looking, some might even say ugly, but I’ve heard it said that one never forgets the first.

She was a 1963 Chevy Pick Up with 3 on the tree. Previously a milk delivery truck, she had a hole in the roof where the milk sign used to be.

No problem. We stuck a wine cork in the hole to keep the rain out. Her price was good. $150 as is. We called her Pig.

In spite of her looks, she performed well. Many a winter, with sandbags in the back for extra weight, she pulled 4x4s out of ditches and snow banks.

Once, my boyfriend at the time, sat in a lawn chair and made me change one of her tires. He figured I should know how to do it. You know, in case of an emergency? As he watched me struggle to get the nuts off, he offered, between sips of his beer, “When the nuts are rusted onto the bolts like that, you can loosen the crud seizing them in place if you pee on them…you know, if you don’t have WD40 handy…”

Um, yeah thanks for that…

“Pig”

1977 Volare

When I moved to Calgary, and after Michaela was born, a dear friend gave me a car, knowing I needed to get Michaela to day care on work days.

She was a 1977 Volare, mustard yellow, could go from zero to a hundred in 20 minutes.

Needless to say, merging onto highways was a scary feat at best, with the gas petal pushed to the floor, she zoomed at about 40 km/hr down the ramp onto the Deerfoot.

At red lights, folks often looked at her, then me and burst into uncontrollable laughter. Still she had been a gift and served me well.

Cutless Sierra

Next, another gifted car, how-lucky-am-I, a 1983 Cutless Sierra.

At first she was amazing! Cruise control. Electric windows, super-duper power steering – I felt as though I was driving a Rolls Royce.

I mean let’s take stock here for a minute.

This was my third vehicle and so far, I’d paid $150!

I named her Betty and Betty had balls, that is until the electronic-computer-chippy-thingy and fan-belt-or-temperature-regulating-gadget started to go sideways.

Translation: A great loss in power and the need to drive with the heat on full blast, all windows rolled down, during the hottest summer I can remember.

Still she did her part. She got me from here to there.

Then, came my current vehicle.

A 1999 Toyota Tercel.

My first brand-spanking-new car!

I was in seventh heaven. Just imagine driving a car that I didn’t have to put into neutral, with one foot on the brake and one on the gas to keep it from stalling out at a red light!

When I picked her up from the dealership, she had 11 km on her. She was shiny and midnight blue and clean. When I started her up she was so quiet, I wasn’t sure if she was running.

Aside from regular oil changes, she didn’t see any mechanics. I grew accustomed to not having to check the oil or anything else for that matter, I just got in, turned the key and drove to wherever I was heading.

It was life in the fast lane for about 12 years in which time, I’d bought a new battery – that’s it!

She’s starting to show some wear and tear. You know normal stuff. I had the brakes replaced a few years back, got a new water pump, and a few other items like fan belts, I don’t remember exactly.

And then most recently, a few issues were found while my mechanic did an oil change. They fixed her all up with a new gasket and everything was tickety-boo.

But just the other day, she wouldn’t start. I had some friends look at her. There was power, just no spark.

I had her towed to my mechanic, who assures me that aside from needing a new time belt kit, new spark plugs and another oil change, she’s still in remarkable shape.

So here I sit, waiting to hear that she’s all fixed up, so I can go bring her back home.

My baby about to be towed away

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

What’s your car story? Do you remember your first vehicle fondly?

Looking for an old picture

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200 words, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, family, friends, growing up, humour, laughter, memories, Opa, Tampax

You can’t always get what you want… ~ Rolling Stones

Opa Schwenk, Berlin 1973

I’ve spent the last few days tearing my house apart looking for an old picture.

I recently connected with an old friend on Facebook.

Some 35+ years ago, four of us dressed up like the members of KISS for Halloween.

I had the picture. I’ve seen as recently as three years ago, but I can’t find it now. 😦

Not getting what you want, is not unique to me – it has been a reality throughout human history.

I have not found said photo. But I’ve found treasures I didn’t even remember having; including today’s photo of Opa.

Once when my grandparents were visiting us in Canada, Opa walked to our local shopping Centre to pick up some supplies.

My folks were at work and us kids were in school.

When I got home, he handed me a box of Tampax, asking if I could use them.

Apparently Tampax made tissues in Germany. He wanted tissues. Tampons weren’t of use to him unless he stuck them up his nose.

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

Have you found what you’re looking for? 

Blue Monday

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#BlueMonday, 22 Minutes, Canada, Diana Schwenk, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, life, living in the moment, winter, yoga

I had never heard of it before a couple of days ago, but this past Monday was Blue Monday. Usually occurring on the Monday of the last full week of January, Blue Monday is the most depressing day of the year, at least so says a 2005 press release from holiday company Sky Travel.

I’m not sure I felt any bluer than my usual winter blues on Monday. As a matter of fact, near day’s end I was cheered up with a sunset that looked as if the sky was on fire. Seen below as viewed from my balcony.

You know what they say, Pink sky at night, a sailor’s delight – even here in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains!

I have to admit that January and February are usually my toughest months to endure. By this time I’ve usually had it up to my armpits with winter. And to top it off with the proverbial cherry, we’ll soon have I-can’t-feel-my-feet-and-hands-my-lips-are-frozen-to-my-teeth-and-it-hurts-my-lungs-to-inhale-the-air temperatures!

Although shorter daylight hours and colder temperatures can bring us down here in the Northern Hemisphere, Smitty over at Logos con carne would remind us that the days are indeed getting longer now, so hang in there!

And take courage my northern hemispheric friends, the same geniuses who brought us the most depressing day of the year, also promise us the happiest day of the year. (Some time in the third week of June)

Until then, perhaps you would benefit from some chillaxing Canadian yoga as brought to you today by our nation’s beloved satirical News show 22 Minutes. You won’t regret watching! 😉

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

How’s winter panning out for you? Were you extra down on Monday?

Diana Cash

Tags

black clothing, Diana Schwenk, funny, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, Johnny Cash, laughter, Life's like that, living in the moment, love, memories

WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, and up until as recently as ten years ago, if you were to look into my closet, everything was black.

I had black shoes and black boots.

Black dresses, skirts and suits.

Black jeans, sweats, shirts, blouses and jackets.

Everything was black.

My dad used to call me Diana Cash, referencing Johnny Cash, who as we know wore all black.

A whole host of people from family to co-workers to friends tried relentlessly to convince me to add a little colour to my wardrobe.

Finally, I gave in and began purchasing clothes with some colour.

Not big nasty flowers or prints or anything like that… but colour just the same.

I added reds and blues and yellows and even some BLING!

Truth be told, black kind of makes me look pale and blotchy anyway.

The good news is, now I have lots of colour!

The other good news is that I got the part-time job I applied for and I start in November!

Ironically, I’m required to wear ALL BLACK!

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison

If you need me, I’ll be out shopping for black clothes. 😉

Life’s like that.

How to fit 7 women on a couch

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Alberta, all in fun, Diana Schwenk, family, friends, funny, growing up, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, joy, laughter, life, living in the moment, love, memories, Olds, Olds Liquor Store, silliness, Swag

“Hey, you got some swag?” Kelly asked as she was paying for her items at the Olds Liquor store. “What kind of liquor is swag?” asked Danielle. “By swag, I mean free stuff!”

Jane, Diana, Annie, Bob, Kelly, George

I pulled up in front of Bob and Mo’s around 2PM.

A bunch of us were getting together for a barbecue because George and Annie head back east today to visit with family before heading back home to Scotland.

Bob and Mo offered up their home, and George and Annie dished out the cash for food – the rest of us were told just to show up and bring our favourite beverage.

It’s an hour’s drive to Olds so I figured I would just pick up my bevvies when I got there. Not knowing where the liquor store was, I asked if anyone wanted to come along and show me.

That’s when Kelly told us about all the free stuff she got.

Bob volunteered to ride shot-gun with me and we were off! Once we’d chosen what we wanted, we headed to the counter to pay. With my hand on my hip and a huge grin pasted on my face, I said,

“I hear you got some swag.”

By the time, she was done with us, Danielle had forked over three cowboy hats, two Canadian flags, two beer diffusers, two Old Milwaukee car fresheners and a speaker for iPods, iPhones and other iThings!

I love Olds Liquor Store – they’re awesome!

And I love old friends. They know you – the good and the bad – and love you anyway. You can just be who you are and that usually adds up to fun. And I love fun!

WHAT HAPPENS IN OLDS, STAYS IN OLDS

Back at Bob and Mo’s the party was at full swing and just being together seemed to melt the years away revealing a glimpse of the twenty-somethings we used to be.

Jane and Annie

Bruce

Singing, “We are the champions”

Albertan Hillbillies

A twist on the twist

5 strand braid

The Swatternator

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Silliness, playfulness and lots of laughing ensued. I can’t tell you too much because what happens in Olds, stays in Olds. The flip side of getting to be who you are and freely wearing your silly hat is a good measure of discretion.

But I can tell you how to fit 7 women on a couch!

That’s me on the left just in front of Mo’s head, Kathie, Jane and Kelly on the couch and Terena on the right. Notice all the swag in the room, the hats and the I am Canadian flag?

“Hey, let’s all get on the couch and get our picture taken!”

Ok, so now we’ve got Kathie, Jane, me Kelly, Annie and Mo laying across on the couch and Terena is still at the bottom-right frame.

“C’mon Terena, get on the couch!”

“There’s no more room left, I can’t.”

“Sure you can, lay across the back of the couch!”

 “O-kay, I’ll just climb up on this table…”

“Oh, I can’t, I feel so silly.”

“Sure you can, this is going to be a great picture – c’mon Terena!”

“That’s it, keep coming, you’re doing great – you don’t look silly at all!”

“O-kay, here I come!”

“Awesome! Everybody say cheese!”

Yup, we sure had a lot of silly fun and we’re gonna miss you George and Annie. Wishing you safe travels and who knows, maybe next time we’ll all come to Scotland!!

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Do you have friends who know who you are and still love you? What’s the largest number of women you’ve ever assembled on a couch? If you haven’t tried this, was this tutorial helpful? Does your liquor store have swag?

In unrelated news, the very next day I woke up to the following scene!
Only in Canada eh?

At least she calls me, right?

Tags

200 words, children, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, family, growing up, happy, health, humour, joke, kids, laughter, life, living in the moment, love

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one. ~ Marilyn Munroe

Christmas at my parent’s place.
December 2012

RING, RING…

ME: Hello?

MICHAELA: Hi mom. Why did the chicken cross the road?

ME:  to get to the other side?

MICHAELA: Nope, to knock on the idiot’s door… So what’s new mommy?

ME: (giving my head a shake) I’m good.

I had a weird dream though. I dreamt that I went outside to sit on my balcony. I heard the front door open and close and a bearded man and 18th century peasants came out onto the balcony.

I asked them who they were and they didn’t answer me. I told them they couldn’t just walk into my house. I screamed “GET OUT!,” right in the bearded man’s face.

Then a Hillbilly walked in and said, “Good evening ma’am,” with a tip of his cap. I said, “You can’t be here! GET OUT!”

There were people in every room!

MICHAELA: Aww, that’s too bad mommy. Wanna hear another joke?

ME: haha sure.

MICHAELA: Knock, knock.

ME: Who’s there?

MICHAELA: The chicken

ME: Jerk.

MICHAELA: (laughing)

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~