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talktodiana

~ Igniting the power and passion in others…

talktodiana

Tag Archives: funny

Over-Easy, Hard

02 Wednesday Mar 2016

Posted by dianasschwenk in Humour, Hump Day Chronicles, My Stories, Out and About

≈ 30 Comments

Tags

Alberta, brunch, Calgary, Diana Schwenk, friends, funny, growing up, happy, health, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, joy, living in the moment, stories, The Breakfast Company

You don’t look like a crack whore!

Me, Kathie, Carmen and Adele at the Breakfast Company, Calgary AB

Me, Kathie, Carmen and Adele at the Breakfast Company, Calgary AB

Now that I’ve got your attention with my shocking title and quote, I want to tell you about my friends.

You know those friends you’ve known for a long time but hardly get to see, maybe once a year if you’re lucky, yet when you do see them it’s as if you haven’t been apart, you just continue where you left off?

They’re the friends that know life can get busy because it’s busy for them too, so no hard feelings if you haven’t kept in touch.

I first met the lovely ladies in the photo above at the Mustard Seed where we all volunteered and worked at some point in our lives. I’m the oldest in the quartet and was the last to join the foursome in 1990.

Anyway, Adele contacted us a few weeks back to see if we’d like to do brunch together and we all jumped on the opportunity. So this past Saturday we met at the Breakfast Company on Edmonton Trail ‘to do brunch’.

Old friends are somewhat like family in the sense that when they get together after a long period of time, they revert to who they were back then. We are no different.

We did some catching up to find out who was working where and doing what. We talked about Kathie’s company, how my attempt at self-employment didn’t work out. How Carmen took a media communications class at SAIT, but it was very hard to get a job in that field and the work that Adele is doing around mental health and addiction at the hospital.

I told them of a cartoon I saw recently of a folk singer on stage with a guitar and the caption read, “This next song is about giving up on your dream so you can pay the rent.” We all laughed.

We talked about losing our dads and how that affected our moms and changed each of us forever.  Sadly, one of the ladies has also lost her mom.

We talked about how I am the oldest of us four and Carmen is the youngest and Adele has the youngest looking hands and I have the oldest looking hands (too much sun bathing I guess).

We talked about the birthday trip that Kathie is going on next month with fellow students from the university she attended, all of them have their birthdays within the same week of each other.

This led to a discussion about how gross passport pictures are because you’re not allowed to smile. We surmised that the deer-in-the-headlight photos that result are exactly what we would look like if we were nervous going through customs because we had drugs or something. We bemoaned the fact that we are not allowed to smile on our driver’s license anymore either.  We even passed around our licenses to each other and analyzed the photos!

At the end of brunch, as we hugged out our goodbyes, we expressed a desire to get together more often. We’ll see how that works out. If not, it’ll be ok because we know that life can get busy – no hard feelings.

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

I suppose I should explain the title and opening quote.

When the waitress came to take our orders, she asked Carmen how she would like her eggs. Carmen said, “You know, fried… like over-easy but with the yolk cooked… ” “You mean over-hard,” said the waitress with a smirk.

During brunch I told the group that I looked like a crack whore in my passport photo. Later when we passed our driver’s licenses around, someone yelled out, “You don’t look like a crack whore!”

After brunch, on the sidewalk…

“I should call this post Over-easy, Hard – You don’t look like a crack whore!

(laughter)

Ahh I’m not brave enough to do that.”

“DO IT!!!!”

(shrug) “Ok.”

What Would Onkel Karl do?

26 Wednesday Aug 2015

Posted by dianasschwenk in Humour, Hump Day Chronicles, My Stories

≈ 57 Comments

Tags

Diana Schwenk, family, funny, growing up, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, joy, laughter, life, Life's like that, memories, professionals, Relationships, repairs, vacuum

THIS PAST SATURDAY I was vacuuming the living room when the powerhead suddenly turned itself off. I turned the vacuum off and that’s when I noticed the Belt Protector Reset button. So I pushed it and turned the vacuum back on. It ran for a few seconds, then turned itself off again.

Maybe it’s clogged I thought. So I…

  • checked the vacuum bag, and yeah it was full. I put in a new bag.
  • spent an hour learning how to take the vacuum apart and checked all the hoses and bits for dirt. Clean as a whistle.
  • I checked the brush roller thingy and it did not move. It was stuck. I noticed lots of hairs and fibers and tried to pull them out. No go – the roller brush thingy would not budge.
  • So I tried to take the powerhead apart. On the flip side I read, “Flip powerhead and read manual for further instructions.

IMG_20150822_100640Manual?

I’d bought the vacuum secondhand. I have no manual. Not that I ever read them when I have them.

So there, I sat cross-legged on the kitchen floor.

What would Onkel Karl do?

Onkel Karl was an old friend of Dad’s. In fact they hung out together as teenagers in Wittenau, Berlin.

They did normal teenage things with about 52 other teenagers, or so I’ve been led to believe.

Cute things like lifting people’s cars over their pretty fences with cute little walk-through gates .

There was no way these car owners could get their cars out of their yards without taking their fences down.

Yeah cute things. They did cute things like that.

Years went by and Onkel Karl emigrated to Canada, as did my parents.

Upon the blessed event of my birth, Onkel Karl and Tante Stella were asked, and agreed, to be my Godparents.azfwvudhswrvvt2qdcdu

I loved Onkel Karl.

I always thought he looked a little like Jackie Gleason, you know, the ‘to the moon Alice’ guy from that show The Honeymooners?

In fact, the only two men I loved back then were Dad and Onkel Karl. Onkel Karl had a trained German Shepherd. A would-be burglar could walk into his house, start loading stuff in his loot bag while dancing a jig, and good ole Rex would just lay there, barely even looking up.

But when the poor unsuspecting thief would try to leave, Rex would spring into action, pin him down, baring his teeth and holding him there until Onkel Karl got home.

I used to love visiting Onkel Karl and Tante Stella because they lived on 120 acres of land and there were lots of fun things to do. Onkel Karl taught Mike and I to drive his skidoo. Once while I was driving, I hit a bit of a bump and Onkel Karl went flying off the back of the Skidoo.

On his land, Onkel Karl also had a landing strip.

YUP, A LANDING STRIP!

He owned a 4-passenger plane and took us up for a ride every now and then. Once when I was about twelve, he let me take the controls – Woo Hoo!

As well as all of that, Onkel Karl was a businessman. He owned and operated a secondhand vacuum/repair shop. My parents always bought Mom’s favourite standup Hoover vacuums there.

So there I sat on the kitchen floor looking at the pieces of my vacuum and wondered what Onkel Karl would do.

And I swear I heard his voice telling me, “Take it to that vacuum repair place on 11th Ave and 14th Street.”

Reasonable advice I thought, especially since I don’t really have a good track record of being able to put stuff that I take apart back together…

…like that hot summer day when my floor fan died and I thought maybe I should clean it and sat on the living room floor cross-legged with a screwdriver and took it apart and there were so many pieces on the floor and I was unable to put it back together and it was so hot that sweat was dripping from my hairline and a blue cloud of cuss words escaped my mouth as I picked up the stupid fan pieces, put them in a stupid cardboard box  and carried them out to the stupid dumpster in the back and headed out to the store to buy a new stupid fan…

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Are you a Mr./Mrs. Fix It? Or like me, is it just best to call on a professional?

Diana Cash

29 Wednesday Oct 2014

Posted by dianasschwenk in Humour, Hump Day Chronicles, My Stories

≈ 66 Comments

Tags

black clothing, Diana Schwenk, funny, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, Johnny Cash, laughter, Life's like that, living in the moment, love, memories

untitled2WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, and up until as recently as ten years ago, if you were to look into my closet, everything was black.

I had black shoes and black boots.

Black dresses, skirts and suits.

Black jeans, sweats, shirts, blouses and jackets.

Everything was black.

My dad used to call me Diana Cash, referencing Johnny Cash, who as we know wore all black.

A whole host of people from family to co-workers to friends tried relentlessly to convince me to add a little colour to my wardrobe.

Finally, I gave in and began purchasing clothes with some colour.

Not big nasty flowers or prints or anything like that… but colour just the same.

I added reds and blues and yellows and even some BLING!

Truth be told, black kind of makes me look pale and blotchy anyway.

The good news is, now I have lots of colour!

The other good news is that I got the part-time job I applied for and I start in November!

Ironically, I’m required to wear ALL BLACK!

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison

Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison

If you need me, I’ll be out shopping for black clothes. 😉

Life’s like that.

How to fit 7 women on a couch

10 Wednesday Sep 2014

Posted by dianasschwenk in Humour, Hump Day Chronicles, My Stories, Out and About

≈ 36 Comments

Tags

Alberta, all in fun, Diana Schwenk, family, friends, funny, growing up, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, joy, laughter, life, living in the moment, love, memories, Olds, Olds Liquor Store, silliness, Swag

“Hey, you got some swag?” Kelly asked as she was paying for her items at the Olds Liquor store. “What kind of liquor is swag?” asked Danielle. “By swag, I mean free stuff!”

02powwow

Jane, Diana, Annie, Bob, Kelly, George

I pulled up in front of Bob and Mo’s around 2PM.

A bunch of us were getting together for a barbecue because George and Annie head back east today to visit with family before heading back home to Scotland.

Bob and Mo offered up their home, and George and Annie dished out the cash for food – the rest of us were told just to show up and bring our favourite beverage.

It’s an hour’s drive to Olds so I figured I would just pick up my bevvies when I got there. Not knowing where the liquor store was, I asked if anyone wanted to come along and show me.

That’s when Kelly told us about all the free stuff she got.

Bob volunteered to ride shot-gun with me and we were off! Once we’d chosen what we wanted, we headed to the counter to pay. With my hand on my hip and a huge grin pasted on my face, I said,

“I hear you got some swag.”

By the time, she was done with us, Danielle had forked over three cowboy hats, two Canadian flags, two beer diffusers, two Old Milwaukee car fresheners and a speaker for iPods, iPhones and other iThings!

I love Olds Liquor Store – they’re awesome!

And I love old friends. They know you – the good and the bad – and love you anyway. You can just be who you are and that usually adds up to fun. And I love fun!

WHAT HAPPENS IN OLDS, STAYS IN OLDS

Back at Bob and Mo’s the party was at full swing and just being together seemed to melt the years away revealing a glimpse of the twenty-somethings we used to be.

Jane and Annie
Jane and Annie
Bruce
Bruce
Singing, "We are the champions"
Singing, “We are the champions”
Albertan Hillbillies
Albertan Hillbillies
A twist on the twist
A twist on the twist
5 strand braid
5 strand braid
The Swatternator
The Swatternator
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Silliness, playfulness and lots of laughing ensued. I can’t tell you too much because what happens in Olds, stays in Olds. The flip side of getting to be who you are and freely wearing your silly hat is a good measure of discretion.

But I can tell you how to fit 7 women on a couch!

03aaacouch

That’s me on the left just in front of Mo’s head, Kathie, Jane and Kelly on the couch and Terena on the right. Notice all the swag in the room, the hats and the I am Canadian flag?

“Hey, let’s all get on the couch and get our picture taken!”

03aacouch

Ok, so now we’ve got Kathie, Jane, me Kelly, Annie and Mo laying across on the couch and Terena is still at the bottom-right frame.

“C’mon Terena, get on the couch!”

“There’s no more room left, I can’t.”

“Sure you can, lay across the back of the couch!”

03acouch

 “O-kay, I’ll just climb up on this table…”

03couch

“Oh, I can’t, I feel so silly.”

“Sure you can, this is going to be a great picture – c’mon Terena!”

03couch2

“That’s it, keep coming, you’re doing great – you don’t look silly at all!”

“O-kay, here I come!”

03couch4

“Awesome! Everybody say cheese!”

Yup, we sure had a lot of silly fun and we’re gonna miss you George and Annie. Wishing you safe travels and who knows, maybe next time we’ll all come to Scotland!!

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Do you have friends who know who you are and still love you? What’s the largest number of women you’ve ever assembled on a couch? If you haven’t tried this, was this tutorial helpful? Does your liquor store have swag?

In unrelated news, the very next day I woke up to the above scene! Only in Canada eh?

In unrelated news, the very next day I woke up to the following scene!
Only in Canada eh?

How To Distract People From the Fact that You Did Not Spend a Lot of Money on Their Gift

27 Wednesday Aug 2014

Posted by dianasschwenk in Humour, Hump Day Chronicles, My Stories, Out and About

≈ 67 Comments

Tags

Canada, friends, fun, funny, humour, Hump Day Chronicles, living in the moment, memories, Relationships, Travel, visitors

Imagine my delight when I found out in a private message via Facebook that my favourite Canadian, Scottish, Israeli friends were coming to Alberta, Canada for a visit!

I was beside myself with joy, eagerly anticipating their visit.

They arrived last Thursday and are staying with friends in Olds, about an hour’s drive away.

My favourite Canadian, Scottish, Israeli friends; George and Annie, contacted me on Sunday to let me know they were coming to Calgary on Monday.

Maybe I should explain why I call them my favourite Canadian, Scottish, Israeli friends before going on.

I’ve known George for 24 years. He met Annie who was born in Uganda, moved to Scotland with her family in her teens, went to school in England, then moved to Israel where she was working as a nurse, when he visited some years back. That’s where they met and they just clicked.

Are you still with me?

I met Annie when she visited Canada and her and George worked at Mountain Aire Lodge together just outside Sundre. George and Annie were married in Scotland and that’s where they currently live, close to Annie’s family.

Anyway, I was beside myself with joy, eagerly anticipating their visit and wanted to surprise them with a unique gift.

The trouble is I currently have more time than money. Luckily, I found a gift that was unique and would give them and others the giggles for years to come.

Although I chose a brilliant gift (I have to be careful here not to break my arm, patting myself on my back), it’s not an expensive gift. So what on earth could I do to distract them from the fact that I did not spend a lot of money on their gift?

Well fortunately, I currently have a lot of time on my hands to plot and be creative and I thought it might be helpful to others for me to share my technique.

What to do when you want to distract people from the fact that you did not spend a lot of money on their gift

Turn the Giving of the Gift into an event.

GET A BLANK CARD or make one with the cardboard from an old cereal box or something, whatever… and fill it to the hilt with lots of words. Just go on and on about nothing in particular.

I chose to ramble on about my thought processes at the time of purchasing their gift and ran through all the gift options I had considered and why I scrapped each, one-by-one, until I found THE gift that was now wrapped and on the table in front of them.

Next. Make them read the card out loud before opening the gift. Annie had reached past the card for the gift and I said, “Hey, hey read the card first!”

Hint: It is more fun for you if you write with small letters and present the card in a place where the lighting is poor.

GIFT PRESENTATION. Wrap the inexpensive gift in plain paper. Paper grocery bags work. Decorate the paper with drawings, clever words, stickers, buttons, uncooked macaroni, or left over Christmas bows. Let your imagination run wild!

Just look at the amazing results I got below using a white grocery bag and 4 dry erase markers!

Art and words on the front of the package

Art and words on the front of the package

I have actually been drawing that guy with the big nose behind a wall since I was a kid. I’ve drawn him at the end of letters. I’ve drawn him on the back of sealed envelopes when posting letters, I’ve drawn him on furniture – you name it.

I took this picture and texted it to my daughter and she texted back, “Hey, I remember that guy, you put that on all my birthday cards!

But I have never – and this is where it gets exciting – I have never drawn Mr. Big Nose from behind! Great idea or what?

Fortunately for me, the wrapped package had two sides, so when I was done with the front, I flipped it over and…

Art on the back of the package

Art on the back of the package

I took a picture of the back of the package and texted it to my daughter. She texted back, “Bahahahahahaha!”

Well there it was on the table in front of them. Annie started to unwrap it and I said, “Hey, hey look at the back!” So they looked. And they laughed. Annie unwrapped the gift carefully. She wanted to keep the paper. And they even loved the gift that I didn’t spend a lot of money on. In fact, I think they thought it was expensive, like $800 or something, whatever…

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

When did you last set aside some time to be creative? Let your imagination run wild? Do you have friends that you don’t see often because they live far away? When you do see them, do you just pick up where you left off?

The “F” Word Post. Wait. What?

27 Sunday Apr 2014

Posted by dianasschwenk in Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, In My Opinion

≈ 49 Comments

Tags

"F" Word, 200 words, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, Fear, fight, fists, flight, foaming at the mouth, formidable, fruitless, funny, futility, future

I don’t like that man, I must get to know him better. ~ Abraham Lincoln

fightflight(3)Most folks  respond in one of two ways to someone, or their opinion, when they strongly disagree.

Fight  or Flight.

I’m a fighter.  Even when I’m fearful.  Rather, especially when I am fearful.

My jaw is ferociously flapping  and my fists  are fiercely  clenching and I’m foaming  at the mouth.

I wonder why I put on such a fruitless front. A frivolous  exercise in futility.

Must I always be so formidable? 

What if I chose a more favourable  response? What if I chose to fancy  their views by fantasizing  about how we might flourish  together before flipping  them off?

Would that be a fatal  mistake?

Would that make me a failure? 

Should it even be a factor?

Don’t be faint-hearted.  Don’t focus  on your festering feelings or the flaws  of your fellow  beings.

Friend  is better than foe.  We get further faster  by functioning  together and becoming familiar  with each others’ ways.  Why not be a fair-minded facilitator  by forming  a fantastic future  for all.

At the very least, it’s Food  for Thought.

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

What’s your favourite   “F” word?

Talk to Diana


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