Getting Old Sucks

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aging, believe, community, compassion, courage, dementia, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, family, Fear, getting old, grief, growing up, happy, health, laughter, life, loss, parents, Purpose, Relationships, Stuff my parents used to say and do

You Ain’t Nothing But A Groundhog?

Margot Schwenk, November 2017

“What is the name of that singer I really liked?” mom asked me, sitting across the booth from me at her ‘second home’ at Vieux Chateau in Hawkesbury, ON. “You know, the guy who sang, ‘You ain’t nothing but a groundhog?’“

How interesting that mom would ask that question, with the mistaken groundhog instead of the actual hound-dog from the song she so loved by Elvis Presley, since my brother and I had recently discussed how life with mom is sort of like the movie Groundhog Day.

Two years ago, mine and Mike’s dad, and mom’s husband of 56 years passed away. Mom hasn’t been the same since. How can someone go on when their husband, whom they have spent more than half their life with, is suddenly gone.

It hasn’t been easy for mom, or for us kids who are witnesses to the profound sadness that saturates mom’s reality. And just recently mom has also had to give up driving and leave the home that she and dad built together to move into a retirement home.

Getting old sucks!

We try to tell ourselves otherwise to make ourselves feel better, but it’s a shit show of giving up independence and autonomy. Sure, one can still find joy in moments and be grateful for what remains, but as in the case of mom, that takes a great deal of re-focusing and determination.

You see, mom isn’t who she once was. She has become very forgetful and displays signs of dementia, and she knows it. Imagine if half your brain was breaking down, and the other half was fully aware of it. It can’t be easy for her. And she is different. She’s not the mom we knew. But the new Margot is beautiful. She’s compassionate. She is concerned about the future of, and misses, her family immensely.

During my one-week visit, I watched mom reach out to others who are struggling, doling out hugs, taking the arm of a woman who has pain when she walks. Mom is fierce in her efforts to help and protect others, because she knows firsthand what it means to feel helpless. She is beautifully compassionate when she hugs and cries with those who are hurting. And although she doesn’t feel it, she is brave, emotionally connected and a light in the darkness.

It’s not been easy for us, her kids, because we are heartbroken with the cards that life has dealt mom. We feel guilty because we can’t spend as much time as we would like with her. And yet, we are so proud of her and so in awe of her ability to FEEL the moment and experience it in the moment.

I don’t mind so much when she cries, because that is RAW honesty, and it passes. She feels it. Accepts it. And moves on. I guess the hardest part is when she panics, when she feels that she screwed up in someway, when the chaotic thoughts in her head send her into a tailspin. Thankfully, these episodes seem to be less, now that she gets her medication dispensed by a nurse at the correct times.

Don’t misread me. It’s not all gloom and doom. Mom’s only been in her new home for a month. She needs time to mourn what’s she’s lost, and grow accustomed to her new surroundings. We do have high hopes of a meaningful quality of life experience for her moving forward. We look forward to a possible trip with the whole family to Germany, mom’s homeland, and we look forward to a June wedding between my daughter and her fiancé.

But I don’t think we are fully off the hook. Individually, and as a society, we need to take a long, hard look at how we treat the elderly. How do we make sure that there is still “life” in their lives? How do we create an environment where joy can exist? How do we move away from ‘doing everything’ for them to ‘helping them find their new purpose?’ How do we move away from the warehousing of elderly people, to an integrated model of all society that includes children and all ages? And how do we keep the conversation going until we find it?

Getting old sucks, but it doesn’t have to…

Check out the amazing results that happened after this cool 6 week experiment.

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

Mom lives at Place Mont Roc now; a wonderful place, run by wonderful people, helping wonderful people. Their kindness is amazing and it’s a great foundation on which to build what we can further do to respect and keep the dignity of our seniors; our moms and dads.

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The Storm Creates Space for Love and Compassionate Action

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aging, compassion, courage, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, family, Fear, growing up, hope, kindness, life, living in the moment, love, parents, Relationships, Stuff my parents used to say and do

Mike, Dad and Mom

Life isn’t always fair,

Mom and Dad

Something I heard said, while growing up in my hometown of Chateauguay many times. And it isn’t fair, it certainly doesn’t seem to be at times.

We plan, we work and we dream about the life we are building, and things don’t always work out the way we hoped. Sometimes it’s better, sometimes it crashes down on us like the destructive force of a storm. Yet, sometimes when the storm has passed, we look back and are able to say, “if not for the storm, I wouldn’t have learned (fill in the blank).”

I’m learning that in the storm, in spite of its force, in spite of my fears, I have to be brave. I have to trust that things will settle down, and I have to believe things may even be better than they were before.

The storm wakes us up. It shakes our foundations, and causes us to pay attention. It reveals what is important. It reprioritizes our priorities. And it creates a huge space for love and compassionate action.

Mom is teaching me this. My brother is showing me this, through this frightening time of transitioning Mom to a retirement home.

A new stage in life. A profound sense of not knowing and loss of autonomy.  A shaking up of a life hard-worked for, painstakingly planned for, and callously turned upside down.

Yet love is there. Courage to believe is there. Hope that it may even be better than it currently is in this storm, is there.

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

Mom and Mike, I am so proud of you. You may feel fear and helplessness, but I see your courage, love and hope; and I know that Dad does too. I love you!

Stony Places

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200 words, aging, courage, darkness, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, Fear, hope, human spirit, Life's like that, light, strength, tenacity

I have seen flowers come in stony places.

John Masefield

Often when we feel as though we are between a rock and a hard place, it is hard for us to imagine that anything good can come from the situation we are in. The weight of what we are going through feels like it will crush us.

I guess one of the benefits of getting older is that we begin to learn that ‘this too, shall pass.’

We remember that we’ve come through desperate circumstances before and although life feels rough and we are looking for a way out of the current darkness, the light will break through eventually.

The human spirit is amazing in its resiliency. It is so much stronger than we give it credit for. It is tenacious in its hunger for life. And just like the plant that found a way in my parking spot by pushing through the cement and reaching for the sunlight in the above photo, we can also find our way.

So the next time you find yourself in a stony place, remember the flowers, and know that you will find your way to the light too.

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

 

Looks Like I’m Gonna be THAT Senior

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aging, bad eyesight, Diana Schwenk, embarassment, Fear, foolish, getting old, growing up, Hump Day Chronicles, laughing at yourself, laughter, Life's like that, vulnerability

When I was in my twenties, I’d see many a senior lady with bad makeup. You know, poorly applied foundation or mascara marks around the eye or bleeding lipstick or un-blended blush, and I’d think to myself – I NEVER want to do that.

As it turns out I’m pretty paranoid about makeup faux pas because of it. And to make matters worse, my eyesight (nearsightedness) has deteriorated over the years. It’s close to impossible to put makeup on whilst wearing glasses, so every morning after I’ve applied my makeup I put on my glasses and examine it carefully under a bright light.

So far, so good in that regard.

Here’s the thing. I’m starting to wish I had been concerned about doing up my pants in my twenties because apparently doing up my pants is not worth the effort it takes these days.

The whole disturbing pants thing actually reared its ugly head in my forties. I would come out of, or go into the ladies’ room at work while doing up or undoing my pants. On a good day, I would remember to shut the bathroom door before sitting on the toilet. On a really good day, I’d lock the door.

Now, in my fifties, it seems I’ve completely abandoned the need to do up my pants. I can’t tell you how many times I show up at work to find that my pants are in various stages of being undone. The other day I neglected not only to pull up my zipper, but I couldn’t be bothered with the button either. I did however, do up my belt.

Thank God for small mercies.

It seems I am going to be THAT senior. The one whose pants are never done up.

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

So what kind of senior are you gonna be?

Today I Got My New Glasses – A Photo Essay

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aging, Diana Schwenk, eye glasses, growing up, happy, health, humour, Life's like that, living in the moment, reading

I FINALLY DID IT!!

Mom’s been telling me for years…

“Go get your eyes checked! We have Glaucoma in the family, you know? Plus those reading glasses aren’t good for your eyes!”

So on Sunday – yes on Sunday, I was surprised I could get an appointment on Sunday too – I showed up for my eye appointment with Dr. Tamas at Eye on 17th.

I learned that my left eye is better than my right eye. That I’m still OK for distance seeing – my super-seeing left eye compensates for my just-legal-for-driving right eye.

I would just need reading glasses.

Sure I could get progressives but they take a while to get used to and like I said, I’m still OK for distance.

Also, I learned that I do not have any eye diseases, including Glaucoma and that the back of my eye is fairly healthy, whatever that means…

Anyway, all day at work today, I was thinking about how I would be picking up my new glasses after work. I was thinking how great it will be to read a few pages, and actually see the words clearly, of a good book tonight before I go to sleep.

So after work, I picked up my glasses.  The nice man at Eye on 17th adjusted my new glasses to my head and had me read a piece of paper. But I wanted to get my glasses home and try them out there!

I’ll try reading the postmark on this bill…

Wow, I can read it! Even that last line, I didn’t even think those were words!

This is really awesome

I was super excited and my thoughts drifted to that book on the night table beside my bed.

Oh boy, oh boy!

First things, first though. I still had to have dinner, do the dishes, watch some TV. And hey I should check out what I look like in these new glasses. So I looked in the mirror.

How is it that I aged 10 years in just one day??

Some things just aren’t worth seeing better, I guess…

How Old Is Old?

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200 words, aging, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, growing up, health, humour, judging, laughter, life, Life's like that, looking back, memories, old, young

“To me old age is always fifteen years older than I am.” – Thomas Bailey Aldrich

“Oh man, I can’t wait till the year 2000, that’s gonna be a heck of a New Year’s party!” said the 16 year-old me. “Oh wait. I’ll be 37. Too old to party. If I’m even still alive! How sad.” That revelation ruined my day.

“Would you look at her. Geesh, 40 year-olds should NOT wear bikinis, I WON’T do that when I’m old,” said by the 25 year-old me to my best friend while sun-tanning on the shore of Paul Lake.

Fast forward to today, the 52 year-old me thinks back.

The 37 year-old me did not party in the year 2000. Not because she was too old, but because she didn’t want to.

The forty-something me continued to wear a bikini at the beach and was quite comfortable doing so. Recently my daughter posted this on her Facebook page: To get a bikini body, put on a bikini.

I guess old is mostly relative…

~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~

“See those two ladies sitting on the bench?” said by the 52 year-old me of the sixty-something year olds to my friend. “That’s us when we’re old!”

How old is old to you?

He Deserves Better Than This

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aging, Canada, caring, compassion, courage, Dad, Diana Schwenk, family, growing up, health, health care, Hump Day Chronicles, joy, kindness, life, love, memories, pain, parents, world issues

Dad and Mom at Dad’s retirement from Kraft Foods party

My dad worked hard all his life and has been quietly suffering these last two years.

He has several degenerative discs that are being squeezed out of his back and no amount or type of medication has relieved his pain.

Most recently, the only time he doesn’t feel pain is when he’s laying down.

Doctors say that once his discs have been squeezed out, he’ll be pain-free – his back will be stiff – but he’ll be pain-free.

In the meantime, his leg muscles are atrophying. He only has about ten percent muscle left in his right leg; and even before he got laid up, he was using a walker.

As a young father, dad worked long days, six days per week making margarine at Kraft Foods. Back then employers weren’t as aware about proper lifting and safety at the workplace. It wasn’t unusual for dad to lift and carry 100 lb. bags of salt up a step-ladder to pour the contents into a vat. He often had back pain and tension headaches in those days.

Years of heavy lifting and hard work resulted in his troubles today.

“No one needs to be in pain these days, there must be something that can be done. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life on the couch,” he recently told me on the phone.

Not too long ago, we learned that there might be something else we can do. The hospital could administer several painful cortisone shots into his spine with the hope that he could be pain-free for up to six months.

But there is a waiting list. It could take six months or more before he would get in.

I was irate to say the least.

When I was a child, I was petrified of doctors. The only person I trusted to tend to my ouchies was dad. He called himself ‘Dr. Heinz’ – Heinz is his given name – just like the ketchup, he used to say.

Once I cut my right hand between my ring and middle finger on a rock while playing in a lake. I feared the worst. I was sure I would need stitches. It was a bloody mess and I could see bone. But Dr. Heinz gently cleaned and bandaged the wound, then bound the two fingers together with gauze and medical tape.

And it worked – the wound healed!

Some forty-plus years later, every time I look at that tiny scar I think of dad. He always took such good care to doctor me up.

Every day that dad can’t walk because of pain, his muscles deteriorate even more. I can’t doctor him up, but enough is enough – I had to do something!

So I made a few phone calls to the hospital in Ontario. They have the referral from his family doctor. They know his medical history, but I wanted to tell them about the man who is my dad, who worked hard all his life, who deserves better than this; who deserves to live his last years with some enjoyment and quality of life.

And it worked. Or it is just a happy coincidence – I don’t really care which – but he’s scheduled to get his shots on Friday!

I couldn’t be happier if I tried.

So fingers crossed, and prayers for pain relief sent, I hope for the best. Good luck dad!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sad truth is that Canada’s Health Care System doesn’t work anymore. Thousands wait for operations and procedures; many are the elderly; the very folks who worked their butts off to give us a better life. Canada was once recognized as one of the top countries in the world as far as healthcare and general well-being are concerned. Not so anymore. Something needs to be done.  By the year 2041, seniors are expected to represent 25% of the population in Canada, let’s put something sustainable in place before then.

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

Related article: We’re all going to be seniors one day

The Bird Lady

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aging, alone, anger, Calgary, caring, compassion, courage, Diana Schwenk, feeding birds, Hump Day Chronicles, kindness, living in the moment, love, neighbour, Relationships, weak

photo credit: sodahead.com

SHE SPOKE TO ME ONCE on a warm summer day. I was sitting on my balcony drinking coffee. She pointed at the house next door. A yellow notice was fastened to the fence, it said that the property was being re-zoned for business. She didn’t like that, said she wasn’t sure what that would mean for the neighbourhood…

~

I’m guessing she’s well into her 80’s and it would surprise me if she weighs 100 pounds. There’s a nervous energy about her – always looking around and jumpy at the sign of any noise or movement. I have never seen anyone visit her and suspect she is alone in this world.

Truth be told, she has an abrasive way about her. On some days, I have avoided any eye contact, not willing to endure her wrath. I’ve watched her as she drives her car slowly around the block, hazard lights blinking, and stops in the middle of the street in front of my place to the irritation of many a driver behind her. When they honk their horn, she gestures angrily for them to pass. She carefully opens the car door, checks both ways and crosses the street slowly as if unsure of her footing. Holding my breath for fear that she might be hit by a car, I’ve willed her to cross the street quickly in my mind.

Once a man from the city’s parking authority approached her to ask her to move her car off the street. I remember thinking, ‘uh oh, this isn’t gonna be pretty.’  Much to my surprise though, in a strained, airy voice she pleasantly agreed to do so and walked to her car. When he had rounded the corner, she – perhaps in defiance, left her car where it was and fed the birds before returning to her car and driving home.

~

…SHE SHUFFLED CLOSER to my balcony. So frail, she looked like she might tip over – like a gust of wind might knock her down. She told me in a whisper, as if her next words were a secret, that her best friend, who had passed away some time back used to live in my apartment. They used to visit and sprinkle bird seed under that exact tree right in front of my place.

I’d seen her feed the birds many times over the years, even on the coldest days. I knew she lived down the street and had wondered why she didn’t feed them at her place. Now I knew – she was honouring the memory of a friend.

~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

I saw her again last night. I don’t even know her name. I think I need to rectify that.

Crotchety Old Fart

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aging, caring, Charity, community, compassion, courage, Diana Schwenk, easy-going, family, friends, generosity, happy, health, integrity, joy, Kamloops, kindness, laugh lines, laughter, living in the moment, love, passion, peace, Pinantan Lake, Purpose, Relationships, tolerance

They say we can’t choose the face we’re born with but we can choose the face we grow old with.

My friend Helga and I have lots of discussions about the things that are really important in life.

I have this theory that the older we get, the more intense our quirks become.

Say for instance, a young person is a neat freak. Everything has its place and every place has its things.

As this person ages they become almost neurotic about neatness.

Helga feels that the older we get the less tolerant we become and she points back to when we first met to illustrate this.

I hope she’s wrong but more on that in a moment.

~

I’ve known Helga for 27 years. We met at Pinantan Lake, just outside Kamloops, British Columbia.

Pinantan is a small community, and when I lived there in the 80’s it had a population of about 300 folks, including chickens and other livestock.

Just the other day we were talking about how easy-going we were in our early 20’s.

If one of us was cooking dinner when the other came over (unannounced) we would just set another place at the table.

Or if one wasn’t awake yet when we went to the other’s place, the visiting one would just put on a pot of coffee, sit right down at the table and wait for the other to wake up.

That’s right; we didn’t lock our doors back then!

This is the house I lived in and rented for $150 per month.

If a neighbour needed help, we would just drop everything and head over there.

(Or at the very least volunteer our significant other)

We didn’t pay much attention to how others dressed, kept their homes, raised their children or anything else.

We just accepted people for who they were.

We had a certain laissez-faire attitude about life.

There wasn’t a lot of money in our community but we had each other and we shared our resources.

I had laying hens, someone else had a milking cow, we went out in groups to get firewood for the winter, we baked bread and cooked all our meals and made all our baked goods from scratch. And oh so many fun potlucks!

They were simpler times and we were happy.

I’m not sure how I would feel about stumbling out of my bedroom to find someone waiting for me in my apartment now – even with coffee!

What I do know is that I remember our days there with great fondness. People took each other at face value and we didn’t waste a moment worrying about whether someone was playing us or not.

~

For the last decade or so, my heart has been longing for that kind of simplicity again. I still look for the good in people but I’ve been a little slower to trust, a tad sceptical at times and downright inhospitable at other times.

I hope my theory is true. I hope that who I was at heart when I was younger will intensify as I get older. Because I would rather trust people and be burned than be suspicious of every person I encounter.

But maybe the truth is simpler. Maybe I just have to choose to be a certain way.

Maybe theories are just that – theories.

~ THE HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~

I want to grow old with a kind face, with eyes that are crinkled with laugh lines and smile lines deeply carved around my mouth.

I don’t want to be a crotchety old fart.

How about you?