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aging, believe, community, compassion, courage, dementia, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, family, Fear, getting old, grief, growing up, happy, health, laughter, life, loss, parents, Purpose, Relationships, Stuff my parents used to say and do
Margot Schwenk, November 2017
“What is the name of that singer I really liked?” mom asked me, sitting across the booth from me at her ‘second home’ at Vieux Chateau in Hawkesbury, ON. “You know, the guy who sang, ‘You ain’t nothing but a groundhog?’“
How interesting that mom would ask that question, with the mistaken groundhog instead of the actual hound-dog from the song she so loved by Elvis Presley, since my brother and I had recently discussed how life with mom is sort of like the movie Groundhog Day.
Two years ago, mine and Mike’s dad, and mom’s husband of 56 years passed away. Mom hasn’t been the same since. How can someone go on when their husband, whom they have spent more than half their life with, is suddenly gone.
It hasn’t been easy for mom, or for us kids who are witnesses to the profound sadness that saturates mom’s reality. And just recently mom has also had to give up driving and leave the home that she and dad built together to move into a retirement home.
Getting old sucks!
We try to tell ourselves otherwise to make ourselves feel better, but it’s a shit show of giving up independence and autonomy. Sure, one can still find joy in moments and be grateful for what remains, but as in the case of mom, that takes a great deal of re-focusing and determination.
You see, mom isn’t who she once was. She has become very forgetful and displays signs of dementia, and she knows it. Imagine if half your brain was breaking down, and the other half was fully aware of it. It can’t be easy for her. And she is different. She’s not the mom we knew. But the new Margot is beautiful. She’s compassionate. She is concerned about the future of, and misses, her family immensely.
During my one-week visit, I watched mom reach out to others who are struggling, doling out hugs, taking the arm of a woman who has pain when she walks. Mom is fierce in her efforts to help and protect others, because she knows firsthand what it means to feel helpless. She is beautifully compassionate when she hugs and cries with those who are hurting. And although she doesn’t feel it, she is brave, emotionally connected and a light in the darkness.
It’s not been easy for us, her kids, because we are heartbroken with the cards that life has dealt mom. We feel guilty because we can’t spend as much time as we would like with her. And yet, we are so proud of her and so in awe of her ability to FEEL the moment and experience it in the moment.
I don’t mind so much when she cries, because that is RAW honesty, and it passes. She feels it. Accepts it. And moves on. I guess the hardest part is when she panics, when she feels that she screwed up in someway, when the chaotic thoughts in her head send her into a tailspin. Thankfully, these episodes seem to be less, now that she gets her medication dispensed by a nurse at the correct times.
Don’t misread me. It’s not all gloom and doom. Mom’s only been in her new home for a month. She needs time to mourn what’s she’s lost, and grow accustomed to her new surroundings. We do have high hopes of a meaningful quality of life experience for her moving forward. We look forward to a possible trip with the whole family to Germany, mom’s homeland, and we look forward to a June wedding between my daughter and her fiancé.
But I don’t think we are fully off the hook. Individually, and as a society, we need to take a long, hard look at how we treat the elderly. How do we make sure that there is still “life” in their lives? How do we create an environment where joy can exist? How do we move away from ‘doing everything’ for them to ‘helping them find their new purpose?’ How do we move away from the warehousing of elderly people, to an integrated model of all society that includes children and all ages? And how do we keep the conversation going until we find it?
Getting old sucks, but it doesn’t have to…
Check out the amazing results that happened after this cool 6 week experiment.
~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~
Mom lives at Place Mont Roc now; a wonderful place, run by wonderful people, helping wonderful people. Their kindness is amazing and it’s a great foundation on which to build what we can further do to respect and keep the dignity of our seniors; our moms and dads.
Jean said:
I’m hoping for you all that she is still healthy enough next year to go to Germany with you, plus attend your daughter’s wedding.
Peace with you and all the quiet joys with you, Diana.
Drop by my blog one day.
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you very much, Jean. ♡
Diana xo
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elizabeth2560 said:
It is a transition. Transitions are always hard.
Take Care Diana. Thinking of you
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dianasschwenk said:
Yes. Thank you Elizabeth. ❤
Diana xo
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Ann Koplow said:
Thank you for this beautifully fierce and compassionate post, Diana. Love to you and your mother.
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you so much Ann! ♡
Diana xo
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Alan Malizia said:
Diana, A wonderful, truthful and compassionate post. Valuable to those who experience the same. Your mom, as we all are capable of, show our humanness in our frailty and suffering. Yet through it she exhibits a love and compassion for others although she suffers herself. It is a time like this that a person like your mom shows what age and illness will never take from her….virtue!
St. James tells us: “Those who bear well under their trials will wear the crown of glory that God has promised to us all.”
I have no doubt that one day she will once again be radiant.
-Alan
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dianasschwenk said:
Such comforting words, Alan. Thank you ❤
Diana xo
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Jennifer Kelland Perry said:
Diana, reading this is almost like going back in time to when my own mother first went into a care facility. She was never the same either after Dad passed away, and I do believe her profound grief accelerated the progression of her dementia. Bearing witness to that had to be one of the hardest things we as a family had to endure. My heart aches for you. ❤
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dianasschwenk said:
Thanks Jennifer. I’m so sorry that you had to go through that as well. hugs. ❤
Diana xo
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Jennifer Kelland Perry said:
Hugs right back, Diana.. xo
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dianasschwenk said:
❤💓💕💖💗💙💚💛💜💞💟❣💌
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Val Boyko said:
Getting old is not for Sissy’s that’s for sure! There is s much that we have to let go of, yet the most important thing is to have meaning and joy. You Mum gives this to herself by helping others. It’s sounds like Margot is settling in well.🙏
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dianasschwenk said:
Yes, isn’t that the truth, Val? Good thing you’re helping people learn to let go of things they have no control over now, and teaching them to live in the moment! ❤
Diana xo
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Val Boyko said:
Thanks Diana 💛
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Louise Gallagher said:
This is such a beautiful piece Diana — and what a lovely tribute to your mother, and the life she and your father built for you and your brother.
With daughters like you, growing old doesn’t suck. It loves.
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dianasschwenk said:
What a sweet thing to say. Thank you Louise. ❤
Diana xo
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Brenda said:
Beautifully and so lovingly expressed Diana…I so relate to what you’ve written and in so many levels especially as I too am at a distance from fam 💕
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dianasschwenk said:
Thanks Brenda. We live in a time where we can be more spread out than ever before, don’t we? ❤
Diana xo
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Chatter Master said:
What a beautiful piece Diana. I’m so sorry for your mom. I have seen that look, that reaction, when someone knows they are not ‘the same’ and that they are changing and they are powerless to stop it. It’s a heartbreaking thing to witness.
I’m glad for you and she that she is in a place that holds potential for her existence.
I have read of many many places that are developing to remind everyone that life is for everyone breathing. Not just the young and the healthy.
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dianasschwenk said:
Thanks for your kind and thoughtful comment, Colleen! ♡
Diana xo
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Chatter Master said:
You’re welcome Diana.
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dianasschwenk said:
💕💖💗💟❣
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Del said:
Beautiful thoughts Di and well written as always I am sharing this. Hugs
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dianasschwenk said:
Thanks Del, love you to pieces! ❤
Diana xo
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utesmile said:
What can I say, so similar to my mum. However, she has made new friends. been alone now for nearly 5 years without my dad. The home she is in brings lots of entertainment, with students from nearby schools, dogs, music cinema. The program is lovely and I always join when I am visiting. On one side it is terribly hard when the body lets you down and the brain is clear, the other way round is equally bad. My mum is doing fine the way she is and still has some joy in her life and is interested in lots of things. I keep thinking stay active as long as you can, mentally and physically. Who knows how we will cope?
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dianasschwenk said:
That’s great Ute, it gives me hope! They told me it takes about 2 months to settle in, and they have activities there too. Thanks for your encouraging words. ❤
Diana xo
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joannerambling said:
Yes getting old can suck, but it can also be amazing, I don’t get people who say they don’t want to grow old and would rather die young, or what I would call young which is like 60 or 70 that to me is still young
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dianasschwenk said:
The teenaged years of being a senior, Jo-Anne! ♡
Diana xo
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russtowne said:
I enjoyed this post and the vid. As a member of the elderly class myself, I still can’t help but think that not getting old would suck too.
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dianasschwenk said:
Yes, Russ, so true! ♡
Diana xo
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addict2016 said:
Another great piece Diana. My Mum lives with us, she just celebrated her 91st birthday. She has good days but also days of great confusion. It is hard but family! Also just to let you know, I have switched my blog (addict2016) to a new site: http://www.theaddictionauthor.com I hope you will still get notifications of my posts. Much love Andy x
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dianasschwenk said:
Great to know, Andy, thanks for the heads up on your blog and for your kind words. ♡
Diana xo
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