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Alberta, Calgary, Canada, caring, community, compassion, Diana Schwenk, good intentions, Homelessness, human behaviour, judging, kindness, life, living in the moment, Purpose
YOU EVER GET THIS IDEA in your head and you think, “I’m going to do that,” and then it comes time to do it and you don’t do it?
Grrrr I could just give myself a good kick in the butt when that happens!
One of the luxuries (if you want to call it that) of living on this good earth for half a century and a bit though, is I know I’m not the only one who sets her mind to something and then craps out at the last-minute. Rather than beat myself up about it, I am confounded by it, in a scientist-observing-and-documenting kind of way.
Most Saturdays, I meet my friend Helga for coffee at 12:30 at the Starbucks on the second floor in The Core shopping Centre. We have this little thing we do to the barista, you know when they ask you your name? Helga tells them Hell and I tell them Heaven. We usually show up at different times so it’s fun to watch the barista’s face when whichever one of us is the second one shows up and supplies their name. But I digress.
Last Saturday, as I was getting ready to walk downtown and have coffee with Helga, I put a couple of twonies (the Canadian Two Dollar coin) in my front pocket with the intention of giving them to any homeless people asking for change during my walk. In particular, I was thinking of the two homeless men who usually sit under the underpass and panhandle on 4th street SW.
I know, I know, many folks think you shouldn’t give money to people who are living on the street but I do so occasionally, or buy someone a meal or something because it feels like the right thing to do.
Anyway…
With the coins safely tucked into my pocket, I walked the block to 17th Avenue and was immediately approached and asked if I had spare change.
“No, sorry,” I said. “No worries,” he responded, “Have a great day!”
Walking away I wondered why I had said no. Was it because I had to the two men that are usually under the underpass on my mind? Was it some kind of automatic unconscious response? Amazingly, while these questions were going through my mind someone else asked me for change and again I said no.
What the heck? Didn’t I intentionally put two coins in my pocket for THIS EXACT REASON?
And so I continued to 4th Street and toward the underpass completely perplexed by my response to those who asked for what I prepared to give and yet withheld. Long story, short, when I came home later that afternoon, those two coins were still in my pocket. The two men who usually sit under the underpass were not there when I passed on the way to my coffee meeting earlier.
~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~
Do you ever find yourself doing the opposite of what you well-meaningly and intentionally decided to do? Do you find it as bewildering as I do?
Minuscule Moments said:
Diana when I lived in the inner city of Sydney I was asked for money so much that I almost became cold. I then decided I would rather buy the Big Issue off a vendor because at least he was trying to earn some dollars. I gave money to people randomly but the sad fact was the same people asked for more money on the way back because they could not remember me giving them money a few hours ago. Your intentions were good and Im betting on another day you will give those men some money again.
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dianasschwenk said:
Yes, I’m sure I will Kath. ❤
Diana xo
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Jean said:
I noticed with age, I’m getting more stubborn. That also creates tunnel vision. I just need to say whatever and step away.
Getting things done my way, can be a hard thing to let go if even one’s intentions is for community good.
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dianasschwenk said:
My friend Helga thinks we get more set in our ways when we get older, I’m not sure… Thanks for weighing in Jean! ❤
Diana xo
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Wyrd Smythe said:
Sounds a little like target fixation. You were so focused on one task that you got a kind of tunnel vision.
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dianasschwenk said:
I think you may be right!
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Jim McKeever said:
I’ve done this as well, and there seems to be no rhyme or reason for whether I give or not. Sometimes it’s a gut feeling that tells me not to, or something too aggressive about the approach. I question myself, even beat myself up a little, but then I figure there will be a “next time.” There always is.
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dianasschwenk said:
A good way to look at it Jim! ❤
Diana xo
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Chatter Master said:
Though I don’t have an exact memory to share with you, this did strike me as extremely familiar. And I can’t help but wonder if there wasn’t something bigger at play in the atmosphere when we go completely against our intentions, even when we are so strongly aware of them.
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dianasschwenk said:
Hmm and interesting thought Colleen – maybe! ❤
Diana xo
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Louise Gallagher said:
It is part of our human nature, methinks! 🙂 I love your example though — because it speaks to so much more than just the “I will give to two strangers” and then being so focused on the particular two, everyone else is forgotten.
Perhaps, your intention wasn’t to just give the twoonies away. Perhaps, in having seen them so often, you wanted to make a real human connection and thus, were intent on using the twoonies as a conduit.
Which is what your story speaks of so deeply to me — your desire to create real human connections.
Was your not giving to the others more a reflection of your position on giving to panhandlers?
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dianasschwenk said:
I think so too Louise, it is human nature.
Interestingly I really don’t have a position on giving to panhandlers other than to do what your heart is telling you.
I usually don’t carry cash on me so I often say “no, sorry.” I’m wondering if I was somewhere else in my head and just gave the automatic response.
I’ve given change and talked to those two men under the underpass a few times. They never ask for change and their heads are usually down. Dropping a coin in their hat always leads to eye contact and a bit of conversation. And I like that. ❤
Diana xo
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utesmile said:
I have done it too and then you are annoyed with yourself and ask why did you not do what you intended. I guess you were focused on the particular men and that’s why you said no. You wanted to to give it to them. But hey there is always a next time when you can change it and actually do it!
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dianasschwenk said:
Could be Ute and yes I do think I was focused on the two men. ❤
Diana xo
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Healing Grief said:
I have absolutely done this Diana, mainly because I’m so focused on what I want to do, I lose sight of the flow and synchronicity of life which is always changing! If I go out with an open mind, I find that there are clear signs and I am less likely to miss them! You now have these spare coins for the next person who asks! 🙂
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dianasschwenk said:
Yes I do! Thanks Karen. ❤
Diana xo
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mewhoami said:
I have done something very similar to this on more than one occasion and always walk away asking myself why. What stops us from doing what we say we’ll do? Is it distraction, over analyzing, double guessing our choices, or is it the simple matter of having to step outside of our comfort zone. I think that many times, at least for me, I fall into that last category. It all sounds wonderful and good in my mind, but then when I go to do it, I struggle to exit my comfort zone. Perhaps that’s because I’m shy by nature, but whatever the case may be it’s a work in progress.
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dianasschwenk said:
Well, they do say it takes practice to create a new habit… You are probably right – a work in progress. ❤
Thanks for weighing in Mewhoami!
Diana xo
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