Tags
caring, courage, Dad, death, Diana Schwenk, family, Fear, grief, health, Hump Day Chronicles, laughter, life, loss, love, memories, pain, Relationships, shock
I stood there in front of everyone and looked out at all the people before I spoke. My family sat in the first row. I felt I had to stand for dad, channel him somehow, be calm and reassuring like he would be. After all, I’ve been told so many times in my life that I am like him.
I didn’t have an opportunity to write down what I would say, so I’d be winging it. And all at once it occurred to me that I should tell those who came because they loved my dad, that I was in shock, that my mother and brother were in shock and that we would need them all to ask about dad when the shock wore off in about three months – because we’d want to talk about him. I’d read that in a book once and had even made myself a note to contact people I care about three months after they’d lost people they loved.
What I didn’t know from the book is what it feels like when the shock wears off. I didn’t know that it’s like getting dental surgery and thinking to myself, ‘I handled that pretty good,’ and then the freezing wears off and the pain comes with such a force it throws you off kilter, completely catching you off guard. I didn’t know how FINAL death is, how empty I would feel inside, how my heart would hurt, how afraid I would be to forget his blue eyes, and the sound his drumming fingers made on the table, what his laugh sounded like, how his strong voice seemed to come from deep within when he spoke. I didn’t know how important the stuff I didn’t give a shit about before would become, like his coin collecting and how I am constantly looking for the young queen with the crown on the new twenty-dollar bill or the quarters with the poppies and putting them aside so I can…
so I can what?
I don’t know.
I didn’t know that I would have good days, that the memory of him would make me smile, that I could share stories and laugh remembering them, that I could even have days that I wouldn’t think of him at all and yet my body would betray me with restless nights, low energy, aches and pains as if it were carrying the load for my broken heart.
This past Sunday (month 4 since he passed away) I was hit with another wave of grief. It came in the form of a realization that I will never see dad again, at least not in this world. Of course I knew that before, but it’s as if my mind was protecting me earlier, as if I kind of just glazed over that point, as if the freezing hadn’t worn off yet.
I guess you really don’t know until you know.
~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES~
elizabeth2560 said:
Thinking of you at this moment. <>
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you so much Elizabeth! ❤
Diana xo
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Minuscule Moments said:
Diana you express this grief in its different stages so well. I remember it, its a dull ache but some days even now it comes back and leaves an open wound weeping once more. Remember always that they are with us and we will see them again. Buts as my dear mother says in all her wisdom, maybe not just yet, but some fine day.
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dianasschwenk said:
Yes some fine day. Hugs to you and your wise mom. ❤
Diana xo
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Vicki Flaherty said:
Holding you in my heart…what a lovely, honest post.
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you Vicki – what healing words. ❤
Diana xo
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utesmile said:
Someone you love, it will never stop and you catch yourself with tears and grief at moments you don ‘t expect. It just shows your love and that is a good thing! Hugs!
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dianasschwenk said:
True. Thanks Ute. ❤
Diana xo
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Alan A. Malizia: Contagious Optimism! Co-Author said:
Diana,
I lost my mom at a time when Post Polio Syndrome was hammering away at me. The passing of the most influential person in my life added a weight to my cross that seemed unbearable. Yet, the love that I knew she had for me coupled with the confidence that she instilled in me as a child with polio sustained me during such dark hours.
The loss of her left a void in my heart that only a greater love could fill. A love that was a bond between her and I. The bond of love that connects us all. That is the divine love of God.
My mom encouraged me to write a book about my life with polio. It was her wish. And I fulfilled it. Even in her absence she comforted me. For the writing of the book kept her close to me, since she was so great a part of my life.
As time passes the pain of loss fades. All we are left with is that which time can never erode. The love that we have for another. The gift of God that he instills in us all at
birth.
Hang in there Diana. Your love for you dad will see you through.
-Alan
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dianasschwenk said:
Alan, thank you for your encouragement and for sharing your journey and experience of losing your mom here. I just went to your page to see if I could find your book. What’s it called? ❤
Diana xo
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Alan A. Malizia: Contagious Optimism! Co-Author said:
I’ve written two books. The autobiography that I spoke of is titled: “The Little Red Chair,” and the second is a book of poetry and reflections titled: “A View From The Quiet Corner.” They can be found on amazon.com.
-Alan
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Jean said:
A few days ago, I was looking over some photos of my father 2 years before he died ..he was playing table tennis with a grandson @82 yrs. and he already had cancer. We had never seen our father play table tennis before. We never knew that he even played in his youth.
May you cherish the best of your father, those memories and may that always uplift you in the things you do.
I don’t know about your father, but his personality had a calming influence….a family mediator…for his wife/my mother who has a fiery temper. (she is natural fighter, defender..)
I miss that calming.
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dianasschwenk said:
Nice memories Jean. ❤
My dad was the calm one too, although the odd time he'd blow and put his foot down!
Diana xo
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jmgoyder said:
I am feeling so much for you, Diana.
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you Julie. ❤
Diana xo
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Jennifer Kelland Perry said:
Powerful and heartfelt, Diana. Huge hugs to you. I am still grieving my father, and it’s been 12 years. Wonderful writing! 💔
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you so much Jennifer. Hugs back at you! ❤
Diana xo
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Ian Munro @ leadingessentially.com said:
Your writing is so powerful Diana. I can feel both your grief and your love of your Dad. He certainly is feeling it too!!!
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you Ian, that means so much to me. ❤
Diana xo
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Chatter Master said:
I think our brain often times protects us when we don’t quite know it.
And grief just hits us, whenever it wants.
This is a pretty impactful post Diana. ❤
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dianasschwenk said:
I spit it out in about 3 minutes Colleen. It helped me to write it. Thanks. ❤
Diana xo
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Chatter Master said:
Writing. A phenomenal heart therapy.
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joannerambling said:
Reading this made me think how would I cope if I lost my dad or any member of my family, I don’t know but somehow I don’t think it would be pretty, I expect I will be an emotional wreck
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dianasschwenk said:
It’s hard to lose someone you love Jo-Anne and it’s also amazing to find out how strong you can be through it. ❤
Diana xo
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Healing Grief said:
Beautiful heartfelt post Diana and you express your grief truthfully. You do get to see your Dad in your precious dreams and you know he will always be watching over you. “You don’t know until you know,” and that is why after death, life is so precious and real.
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dianasschwenk said:
Yes. Thanks Karen. ❤
Diana xo
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Deb Weyrich-Cody said:
Just kept ticking off likes.
Hard to write when your throat’s in a knot
Many hugs, Di…
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dianasschwenk said:
yup. Thanks Deb. ❤
Diana xo
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jennypellett said:
I know exactly what you mean. My father died in 2009 and still the waves come when I’m least expecting them. But there will be more of the good memories to warm your heart, believe me. Beautifully written Diana.
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dianasschwenk said:
Thanks, that’s encouraging Jenny. ❤
Diana xo
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Heather said:
Beautifully written, Diana. I too lost my Dad -17 years ago. Somewhere along the way my gut-wrenching grief turned to peace and never-ending gratitude. I feel like I have my very own spiritual secret agent who continues to send life lessons my way. Makes me want to be a better person. Take care. Be well. Keep the faith.
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dianasschwenk said:
Thanks Heather, that gives me hope!
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russtowne said:
What an awesome and powerful tribute to your father! Bravo, Diana! I’m glad you were blessed with having a good man in your life.
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dianasschwenk said:
Me too – thanks Russ! ❤
Diana xo
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Wyrd Smythe said:
They leave a hole, don’t they. Hang in there!
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dianasschwenk said:
Yes. Thank you Smitty. ❤
Diana xo
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Cherie Tetz said:
ahh Diana what a beautiful depiction of what it feels like to live the “real” and the “final” – when someone we love dies … over and over again! What a sweet and generous thing for you to share your reality .. what it looks like for you to miss and love your dad so!! love you xox
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dianasschwenk said:
Love you too Cherie. ❤
Diana xo
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Jim McKeever said:
Raw and profound, very moving. You are doing the hardest of work, Diana.
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dianasschwenk said:
Thanks Jim. ❤
Diana xo
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April said:
My thoughts are with you. 🙂
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you April. ❤
Diana xo
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Graham in Hats said:
Maybe you don’t see him again in this life. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t see you. 🙂
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dianasschwenk said:
Now that’s a comforting thought Graham. ❤
Diana xo
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Graham in Hats said:
🙂
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theeditorsjournal said:
PS I love the bit about noting to contact people after 3 months. You’re like me.
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dianasschwenk said:
🙂 !
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Family to the 5 Power! said:
Everyone grieves differently and the waves may indeed continue to come and go. The part about his coin collection was just so touching. Take your time…you don’t have to explain anything to anyone, and you don’t have to be strong for others….grieve as you need to.
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you so much! ❤
Diana xo
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theeditorsjournal said:
You hit the nail. ‘You don’t know til you know.’ Everything everyone else has said so far is incredibly spot on too. Just pat yourself on the back when you get through another day and know folks are thinking of you.
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dianasschwenk said:
(smiling) Will do – thank you! ❤
Diana xo
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Louise Gallagher said:
I am grateful that I know the strength of your faith, Diana. Because in knowing that, I know you know you are supported by God’s love. I know you are travelling this human journey, feeling your grief and sorrow in this place — knowing your father is in another place, waiting out your human journey so you can be re-united.
I am grateful I know all this about you because I know in your deep and sorrowful grief, you are filled with wisdom and love guiding you with grace every single day.
Much love to you my dear friend. And if you just want to take a walk and share stories of your father, Beaumont and I are good listeners — okay, I’ll listen, he’ll just make you smile and laugh so your heart feels lighter. 🙂
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dianasschwenk said:
Such a beautiful thing to say Louise – thank you! A walk one of these days with you and Beaumont sounds like a wonderful idea – I’ll be in touch. ❤
Diana xo
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vanbytheriver said:
Grief never comes with a schedule. It is all so personal, and each of us experience the pain and loss in our own way. Cherish his memory, and allow the hurt. It will get better, but only when you are ready. Hugs. 💔
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you Van. I have been quite intentional about allowing the grief… another thing I read in a book somewhere… ❤
Diana xo
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Val Boyko said:
The waves of emotion … And the dentist. How real Diana! Beautifully written.
Sending you a ((hug))
Xo
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you so much Val. ❤
Diana xo
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cyclingrandma said:
Don’t be in a rush to feel you have to be over your grief. You never are. Love the photo above!
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dianasschwenk said:
I won’t. Thank you Lisa. ❤
Diana xo
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