Tags
courage, Dad, death, Diana Schwenk, family, Fear, grief, hope, life, Life's like that, loss, love, memories
Yesterday evening, I was at my local deli/bakery buying a cheesecake. While I was waiting for the clerk to fetch the cake from the back room, a woman beside me told that she loves cheesecake but could not ever buy one because her husband is diabetic.
“My dad was diabetic,” I told her.
My breath stuck in my throat.
Tears pressed on the back of my eyes.
Was.
My dad was diabetic. Past tense. I just never know what will trigger my grief.
The following story was making the rounds on Facebook a few weeks back. It brought me comfort. It helped me understand what to expect. I share it here, in the hopes that it may bring comfort to someone else.
Someone on Reddit wrote the following heartfelt plea online:
“My friend just died. I don’t know what to do.”
A lot of people responded. Then there’s one old guy’s incredible comment that stood out from the rest that might just change the way we approach life and death.
Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived so far and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter.” I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.
As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a son, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~
Minuscule Moments said:
Wow, so beautifully expressed. Thinking of you Diana and hope the waves of grief shrink a little each day xxxx
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dianasschwenk said:
Thanks so much Kath. ❤
Diana xo
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Wyrd Smythe said:
Nice metaphor!
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dianasschwenk said:
Old people are so wise Smitty. T’is a shame we don’t revere them and value their wisdom like some other cultures do. Thinking of you and your recent loss Smitty. ❤
Diana xo
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Jean said:
Quite a quote. We can only hope that our grieving love releases in a cradle of memories and inspiration. I’m trying to reconcile with the image of many shipwrecks ahead. ….
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dianasschwenk said:
Oh Jean, might I suggest you take full advantage of the smooth seas and every sunny moment in the present? I know you’ve had at least two shipwrecks in the past already. Hugs. ❤
Diana xo
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Jean said:
Yes, absolutely and revel in the short rainbows.
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Deb Weyrich-Cody said:
Thank you Diana; for sharing this wonderful advise; and, “Thank you!” so very much to the old gentleman who wrote it down so the rest of us could grasp on too. I know it’ll help me look at my scars in a whole new light from here on out… “Survivor Marks”, perhaps? Nah! Just call it Experience; )
May the storms that overtake you come ever farther apart, but always be awash with the flotsam of a life well-lived and a Dad well-loved.
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dianasschwenk said:
A beautiful comment. Thank you Deb. ❤
Diana xo
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Sheryl said:
Wonderful words and sentiments – thank you for sharing it.
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dianasschwenk said:
My pleasure Sheryl, it is a great comfort to me, thought it might be the same for others. ❤
Diana xo
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Patty B said:
Beautiful – I like the vision of the waves because one of my favorite songs is the “anchor holds” and I tell you this past week I am singing it in my head and it pops up everywhere. I will hold on to what you wrote as well because a big wave is coming up in a few short months – 3 yrs since Tom passed away. And you know I still talk about him in the present tense, it is as if my mind can’t grasp the word “was”. Thank you for sharing this.
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dianasschwenk said:
My thoughts and prayers are with you Patty as you approach this anniversary. ❤
Diana xo
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Patty B said:
thank you
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Bonnie said:
Your story catches me. That grief. And that story you shared – about the waves and how all that unfolds is it. It’s just like that. Thank you for this!
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dianasschwenk said:
It is like that – isn’t it Bonnie? And I can so relate to where it says we wouldn’t really want it any other way. ❤
Diana xo
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Alan A. Malizia: Contagious Optimism! Co-Author said:
Diana,
A wonderful post. And a perspective that is quite original to most who have lost a loved one.
I believe the saddest losses are those that don’t leave us in pain.
Hang in there. Your grief attests to the fact that your father was/is worthy of love.
-Alan
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you for your perspective on this and your support and encouragement Alan. ❤
Diana xo
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Graham in Hats said:
Perhaps it can help just a little if the good fortune of what we have had and still have, can also come in waves. Although the contrast can deepen grief, it is a calmer and more healing kind. But then of course, we each have to find our own way. Good luck with yours. 🐻
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you so much Graham. It’s true what you say. ❤
Diana xo
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Jennifer Kelland Perry said:
A touching but wise message. Hugs to you, Diana! ❤
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you Jennifer! ❤
Diana xo
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April said:
Thanks for sharing that…I didn’t see it on FB, and it describes grief better than I have read before. My brother and sister were diabetics….and the waves will wash over me but I do come out the other side. Hugs to you ❤
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dianasschwenk said:
Oh April. I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you as well. ❤
Diana xo
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April said:
Thanks Diana.:)
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vanbytheriver said:
I saw that man’s story as it circulated…thought it was brilliant. Those waves will get less threatening for you, Diana, but it is my hope that they never leave you completely. Many hugs to you. 💕
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dianasschwenk said:
I think it’s brilliant too! Thanks for your support Van. ❤
Diana xo
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Chatter Master said:
I appreciate the ‘old’ guy and his words. I’m sorry for your pain Diana, but like the ‘old’ guy says, I’m glad you love him to hurt for. ❤
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dianasschwenk said:
Me too Colleen. ❤
Diana xo
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elizabeth2560 said:
{hugs} Diana. I know how you are feeling.
(My Mum was diabetic too).
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dianasschwenk said:
Hugs to you too Elizabeth. ❤
Diana xo
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Healing Grief said:
Very wise words and he is right our grief does come in waves and time really does heal our wounds. It’s okay to miss such a special man in your life. Lots of hugs.
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dianasschwenk said:
He is right Karen – our scars are evidence of our love. Thanks so much Karen for your support and encouragement. ❤
Diana xo
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Sarah said:
I’ve been struggling with the subject of death ever since we went over it in class. I’ve not had someone dear to me pass, and I hope not to for a long time. The way this man puts it is, in my opinion, very helpfully to someone who wouldn’t know what to do. I get it, I understand what he means, and I think it’s applicable to loss in general.
Sorry about your dad, it can’t be easy.
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you Sarah for your kind words and for taking the time to share part of your story. What kind of class are you taking? ❤
Diana xo
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Sarah said:
Iit was part of a Nursing Assistant program. I’m Pre-Nursing! 🙂
Currently a volunteer at the University of Colorado Hospital Emergency Trauma with people facing death. Hard to grasp!
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dianasschwenk said:
Well good for you for wanting to help people Sarah. Nursing is a noble career!
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George said:
Such wisdom here from someone who has probably seen more then his share of loss. Prayers for the strength it will take to face the the coming months/years.
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dianasschwenk said:
Isn’t it? And thanks so. Much George ❤
Diana xo
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Val Boyko said:
Such wisdom here. Sending you a ((hug)) Diana xoxo
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dianasschwenk said:
Thanks Val. ❤
Diana xo
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joannerambling said:
Wow, just wow, it made me feel all chocked up
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dianasschwenk said:
Such wisdom from and old guy who’s got tons of experience Jo-Anne. ❤
Diana xo
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jmgoyder said:
This gave me goosebumps. Wonderful words.
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dianasschwenk said:
I loved it too – a smart old guy! ❤
Diana xo
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