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200 words, common ground, courage, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, differences, integrity, life, listen, love, open-minded, peace, perspective, point of view, respect, tolerance, understanding
Meet regularly with someone who holds vastly different views from you ~ unattributed
OK.
SO THIS ISN’T THE NORM for me, because let’s face it – life is much easier when people agree with me.
And depending on whom I’m speaking with and what the topic is, often I will keep my mouth shut, for fear of hurting the other person’s feelings.
But even I have to admit that there’s value in varying views.
So it’s something that I engage in when the opportunity presents itself.
It’s also something I seek, when I’m stuck in a rut.
And I always learn something from it!
I try to keep the following principles in mind when talking with others who have varying views:
- Listen to the other person
- Try to see their point of view
- Give thoughtful answers to their questions
- Respectfully share my perspective
- Avoid personal attacks
- Discuss new possibilities with an open mind
- If we can’t achieve #6, agree to disagree
~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~
Reaching common ground takes longer, but often it’s worth it. Can you think of a time when doing so produced better results?
And I’ll try to see them from yours
Wow, Diana, such a timely post. I had my first (okay second) real “hate-mail” comment for my blog and it’s completely this type of situation. After feeling it out, it became so clear that neither of us needs to be right we just both need to respect the others difference of opinion. Maybe the other party didn’t quite follow that particular guideline, as they were pretty adamant I was probably on the fast track to hell, but I followed them and I walked away with no ill feelings about it. 😀 So, a win-win either way!
Great advice & guidelines, Diana!
~ Andrea ❤
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Who said something bad about you Andrea? WHO?? I’ll take them down!
Diana xo
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Haha – you’re the best Diana!
Just some random with an email of bleak shores something something…so yeah, once I saw that it said “bleak shores”, I thought to myself “you know, this person doesn’t need resistance from me, they’re creating enough of it on their own.” and I took the “thanks for your comment – glad my writing could make you feel so much passion” approach.
And the weirdest person award goes to…the bleak shores guy!! 😀
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haha that’s the spirit Andrea! ❤
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I’m usually open to this…until I hear something stupid. Have to be honest! I like the comment about parents dealing with adult children. How true! 🙂
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😀 Haha! Yes I thing it’s great advice for our relationships with our adult children too!
Diana xo
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I agree with you wholeheartedly, Diana, and recently have been searching for ways of getting along with my 20-year-old angel/demon. – a son who is (we have both now admitted) a control freak. One of the reasons I haven’t been bloggy lately is due to being bullied by his highness, verbally and emotionally (not physically!) I am going to write about this in a way that makes him anonymous because I think I have figured it out a bit. Sorry for such an emotional response – your post has really helped me
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Julie I’m glad to hear this post was helpful and I hope to hear soon that you have been able to come to an understanding with your angel/demon.
My thoughts, warm feelings and prayers are with you!
Diana xo
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I like this
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Thanks Jo-Anne!
Diana xo
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This is a great point, Diana!
There is a talk show host I disagree with 99% of the time, but I enjoy listening to him because I enjoy hearing a different perspective. We often agree on the issue, but come from completely different angles on how to solve them. His ideas often prompt me to examine my own, which is a healthy thing to do.
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So true Denise! A pastor I knew you used to affect me the same way. Often I felt aggravated by his sermons, but often than not, they challenged my thinking and made me re-examine my beliefs – in a good way.
Diana xo
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Yeah, hearing differing views helps you grow, Diana, but I must say, I am not a fan of conflict. So I follow your rules to avoid arguments pretty closely, for the most part. Once in a while, though, if among the best of friends, blammo! I’m off like a boiling teapot.
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haha love that visual Mark… conflict, disagreement, discussion, debate…these words all have varying meanings to everyone, don’t they?
Diana xo
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Indeed they do, Diana. I’m glad you enjoy the visual of me letting loose in a trusted circle of discussion, debate and onward, my friend! 🙂
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Those principles are very wise, Diana. I agree we must have disagreement in our lives. Some of the most challenging and growth moments of my life have been with those who have expressed disagreement. But, as you say, the challenge is always in the way you manage disagreement.
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Thanks Don, I bet you manage disagreement well. 😀
Diana xo
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Steven Covey’s fifth habit ‘Seek first to understand, then to be understood’ is the one I really struggle with. I struggle with the second part, the ‘being understood’ part. Try as I might with your # 4, it so often does not work. Some people will only see their perspective and so much so that even agreeing to disagree does not work because they do not see that there even IS another perspective.
It all comes down to this justice versus mercy concept that I struggle with. I try and apply both, yet most people in many situations only see one or the other.
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It’s true Elizabeth. I guess all we can do is be true to our values in spite of how others respond, right? ❤
Diana xo
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Yes, that is the way to go.
BTW, I find it hard to believe that anyone would ever disagree with you.
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haha lot’s have disagreed with me over the years Elizabeth!
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Great post Diana, I have learnt so much from those who are opposite to me. I have found when I can understand where they have come from and their story, I can begin to know how to work with them ….or agree to disagree!!
Karen
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That does not surprise me Karen! ❤
Diana xo
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I’ve come to understand there is more to most issues than an opinion. One or the other is right or wrong. Complete agreement is very difficult to achieve on every issue; even if it comes to anchovy on pizza.
Yet, unavoidable differing opinions will cause disagreeement. But, it shouldn’t ruin a relationship. Provided one’s response to another’s opinion is formed from respect rather than tolerance.
-Alan
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Hey Alan, thanks so much for weighing in! 😀
Diana xo
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What do you see is the difference between respect and tolerance?
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Elizabeth, Thanks for your reply, to my reply.
Respect, I believe, is the proper response to the person who has made the effort to understand the topic of which our opinions differ. It is appropriate that they should be taken seriously.
Tolereance, I believe, is too often used as a cover for one’s indifference. So, is not worthy of being taken seriously.
As an exampIe; I can repect a person’s objection to democracy, so long as they have knowlege of it.
G.K. Chesterton says:”Modern tolerance is really a tyranny. It is a tyranny because it is a silence.”
-Alan
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What about behaviour?
We can respect that people are different because of their race, colour, socioeconomic background etc which may mean they have different opinions from us.
How far do we go in respecting / tolerating their behaviour if perhaps they are rude, critical, gossiping, lazy or whatever. Do we say, “I respect you as an individual but I do not tolerate your behaviour” or do we say ” I respect that you have issues and pain you are carrying and will therefore tolerate your behaviour, even though it is less that desirable?”
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The sun shines on us all. No matter our opinions, beliefs, or behavior. Those three things are often determined by the environment and influences we find ourselves a part of. And should be considered.
That being said:
When a monkey jumps around wildly, we don’t make much of it, because he is being himself. But, if a person jumps around wildly, we might say, don’t act like a monkey. Because, unlike the monkey, we can stoop beneath ourselves.
So, on bad behavior-no, it is not acceptable. No matter the circumstances.
As a former teacher-allowing bad behavior, only encourages more. And does nothing to improve that which troubles the individual.
thanks Elizabeth,
Alan
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Hi Elizabeth,
I left a reply to your question regarding my thoughts on respect and intolerance on Diana’s comment page.
Hope you were able to receive it.
thanks again for your comment.
Alan
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Well, you’ve known me long enough to know I completely, totally, utterly agree with you! 😀
I’ve believed all my life that growth comes from exploring new territory. It’s not always comfortable, and sometimes it requires adjusting your view of the world, but I’ve always found it worth it. No pain, no gain!
And I would really, really, REALLY hate living in a world were everyone agreed on everything. How utterly boring!!
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Utterly boring is what it would be, indeed! Thanks for chiming in Smitty! 😀
Diana xo
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Awesome points to ponder — and find common ground on — for me… it really is about — Disagreement does not equal rejection.
Hugs
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A very good point Louise – thank you!
Diana xo
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Great advice for parents dealing w/ adult children.
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Agreed Lisa – thank you! 🙂
Diana xo
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I like your 7 principles Diana! 🙂
I might add 8. If with agree to disagree, find empathy for the other person. We all have our own opinions, values and feelings.
Val x
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Nice add, Val – thanks for weighing in!
Yours empathetically,
Diana xo
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I really like your guidelines Diana. I am working on something where a colleague and I have differing views. We agreed that our next step is to take the other person’s position and argue FOR it.
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Oh I like that Ian! Would love to hear how that turns out.
Diana xo
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We used to have to do that in debating competitions at school. We were given the topic and allowed time to formulate arguments – for both sides – and not told which side we would be on until 10 minutes before the start.
I would always wish to be on the side I passionately believed in though.
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I bet, it would be hard to argue the other side, especially if you’re really passionate Elizabeth.
Diana xo
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