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compassion, Diana Schwenk, dreams, equality, family, growing up, happy, health, Hump Day Chronicles, joy, love, Purpose, Relationships
If you think about it, women barely resemble the 50’s housewife in any way these days. Back then a woman’s security was based on her husband’s ability to provide for her and her children.
Women have come a long way in the last 60 or 70 years. They’ve become educated, self-sufficient and hold a variety of traditionally male careers.
Growing up in the 70’s I often wished I’d been born a man. I felt that my future was limited in some way because of my gender.
In the 80’s and even into the 90’s I was consciously aware that I ‘dumbed down’ for the sole purpose of letting the men I was in relationships with solve all the issues that came up, you know, be ‘the man’. I’m not saying they required me to do so, but for some reason I felt it was the thing to do.
It wasn’t until I hit my 40’s that it felt ‘normal’ for me to speak my truth and believe that I was equal.
In my own struggles to be heard and taken seriously, I never gave much thought to how this woman’s movement, this revolution was affecting men who also grew up with the same stereotypes I held to be true.
The other night I watched a documentary called The End of Men. It told the stories of three men, all of whom had been unemployed for about a year. In their late 40’s to late 50’s these men shared what a nightmare it was for them to suddenly be out of work. It was hard to watch them become emotional (because yes, I still, at some level, buy into the fact that men don’t cry.)
All three men dealt with their situations in different ways. One, at 57 was going to college to become an accountant. Another, the only one whose wife was somewhat supportive, was starting his own business. And the other seemed to be sinking deeper into a depression and his marriage was falling apart. Interestingly enough however, all three men were relishing the relationships they were building with their children. Through their experiences and the things they said, I felt as though I got a glimpse, for the first time ever, of what it means to be a man to a man. Here are some of the comments I remember that really struck me.
My wife and I are always fighting now. I can tell by the way she looks at me, she’s lost all respect. Our marriage is on the rocks. I was blessed to grow up in a happy and financially secure home. I look at my kids, and it kills me that I can’t give that to them.
It’s been devastating to lose my job. I don’t know who I am anymore. A man is supposed to provide for his family. I don’t feel like a man anymore (tears). Sure it’s tough for a woman when she loses her job, but she doesn’t stop feeling like a woman.
You know, I’m happy for women and children. For so long they have been oppressed in a way. It’s been hard for them. Women feeling empowered is a good for them. Maybe it’s good for men too. I mean it’s a lot of pressure to live up to the ideal of being a man in the traditional sense. Maybe I can learn to be a person who has dreams. A person who enjoys being a Dad.
And isn’t that what equality means? It’s not about women finding their own and men losing it all. It’s about men and women finding a way to be happy as people and pursue their dreams – it’s about being equals. My eyes were opened by this documentary. It gave me a lot to think about.
~ HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~
What are your thoughts on what makes a man, a man?
talktodiana 
Hari Om,
I usually do not indulge into debates about men and women and their role in society but your write-up was quite compelling. Comparing a man and woman is like comparing apples and oranges. Why? Because the role which nature has given to a man is different from the role of a woman.
No matter how much a man tries, he cannot give birth to a child, neither can he create a motherly compassion for his children.
My right hand cannot be my left hand and vise versa. Both the hands are equally important to perform tasks, to make a living and to fulfill the basic needs. Similarly, man and woman both need to go parallel, with a profound understanding of their duties toward their family and society.
A man is indeed responsible to provide food and protection to his family and when he is unable to fulfill those basic duties, his confidence starts dying within, he starts to feel really small about himself, there is no bigger embarrassment and failure than to fail at one’s duties.
Whereas a woman’s natural role is of a mother, to give love to her children, to feed her children, which a father cannot possibly do. A woman goes for a job to support her family financially but in case she loses her job and sits at home, society is not going to blame her in anyway, society will blame the father for not fulfilling his duty.
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Krishna, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here. I agree we seem to be wired in specific ways based on methods that helped us survive over tens of thousands of years.
That is not to say that either gender is incapable of providing either role or inventing new ways to raise and provide for families together in this day and age. We just need to be open to it and not so quick to judge, don’t you think?
Diana xo
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Another blog I follow raised the topic of sexism in the software industry, and there as here I’m struck by the tension between the idea that (speaking very generally) men and women are “identical” and we need to treat them the same way versus the idea that men and women are different and we need to appreciate and respect those differences. The world is a complex place, and there is, I think, truth in both viewpoints.
in some regards the question, “What does it mean to be a [wo]man?” is meaningless outside sexual or biologic contexts. Like the Medieval question, “How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?” the answer is whatever you want it to be. Every [wo]man defines what it means to be a [wo]man on their own. Anything else is just buying into society’s labels and ideas.
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Huzzah! More well-said Wyrd(s) were never spoken! To paraphrase Star Trek Next Gen… We are all “HUMANs: ugly bags of mostly water…” Male or female, we are the product of our genetics, environment, and experience: individuals, every one. To make sweeping generalisations, on the basis of sex alone, would exclude the massive portion of Humanity who don’t fit “The Norm”; many of whom, I dare say, are represented right here.
And who decides what’s “Normal”, anyway? (Barring aberrant behaviour; ) let’s hear it for Individuality!
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indeed. That said, there is also a tension between the obvious benefits of accepting (at least some of) those labels and ideas and the personal goal of individuality. (Speaking from life-long experience,) If one insists on speaking a completely different language, it’s harder to communicate, let alone get a point across. We’re social creatures and therefore hardwired to look askance at those who don’t toe tribal lines. One has to weigh the value of individualism against the value of “fitting in” (you’d think at some point I would have learned that lesson, but it’s still a struggle).
With regard to gender issues, one thing that makes them so challenging is all that biological wiring orienting us towards sexual signals from others. As rational beings we can learn to ignore those signals, but it takes a little training and will.
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Ah yes, Sexuality! Well, that is a definitely necessary, but separate topic all together; )
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maybe instead of men and women are different we can say individuals are different. What do you think?
Diana xo
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Exactement!: )
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“The Myth of Fingerprints.” 🙂
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Way back when, the female was referred to as, the weaker sex. Huh!
I knew from childhood in the 50s that if, you were to divide genders they would find females reign superior in almost every classification. Recent studies have concluded what I did at age 8. Am I a scientist? No! It is just that Rhonda easily took me, and every other male to the task of defending our ‘manhood’ on the playground. From that point forward, it was not fear but, merely a a healthy respect for the other gender.
I always took it for granted my father was leader of the household but, in retrospect it was my mother. Each had their role. Women want things to be as they should be, and men want only peace. Men have ultimately often given up a decision in favor of peace as we settle back.
Incredible that women are so good at allowing us to think of ourselves as the ‘leaders, and providers’ to coincide with historical idioms, and yet the women continue to evolve comparatively very quietly, in the background as leaders, and providers.
The male ego needs a vacation, and I might add……peace.
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Thank you very much for weighing in Dave! You really saw women as the leader and the man as only wanting peace? Your mom must have been quite the woman!
Who is Rhonda? 🙂
Peace to you Dave
Diana xo
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Rhonda beat me up on the playground along with any guy who dared to take her on. She was an original little girl who, at a very early age would maintain a femininity about her w/o being any less of a person just because she happened to be a girl. I say original because, in the late 50s, little girls were not suppose to hold their own with men. It was a given.
Men wanted to do what they were ‘supposed’ to do but, in the end men would retreat if necessary for a peace of mind. You might put an asterisk next to that as men (like my father) would take that role based on how vital the issue was to them, and the household.
Actually, I spoke out of line. You had me thinking more on this. My mother, and father seemed to instinctively work well with each other. It was, for the most part a collaboration of leadership. Even with differences at times, they were always united with neither clinging to the supposed gender bias of the time.
You know what? It was a cohesive, collaborative effort on both their parts.
You facilitated an opportunity for me to think this through a bit more. Thanks!
Peace, Diana
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You’re welcome Dave! Wow it’s amazing how progressive your parents were in their day and age – it sure explains the wonderful way you view the world. What a lovely legacy they gave you.
Diana xo
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Tacking this in here (out of sync) ’cause Dave’s remarks moved me so much…
So wonderful to follow your thoughts; with such honesty in their progression. You are truly a gem among men: )
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TYVM! This is really a nice tribute to my parents. Thank you for the very kind words.
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Unemployment is tough on all genders and it’s harder as one grows older. Ageism becomes the issue.
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It seems we’ll never run out of issues, doesn’t it?
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I wish we could get over comparisons of being man and woman that seem to separate us. We need to understand each other’s challenges and respect them. Life is hard for everyone. There’s really not a free pass in life.
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Wouldn’t that be something… 🙂
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Right on! As in, “Walk a mile in my moccasins.”?
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Yes. Isn’t that how understanding starts, by listening to each other? Thanks for popping by again Deb!
Diana xo
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Something I have not mentioned in my own posts is that due to health issues of my (ex) husband I had to step up and become the ‘strong’ one. At the same time I had to pretend he was and help him with his self-esteem continually. When put to the test (2 years before he left), I could not ‘pretend’ when I had to openly show my strength through a catastrophe and its resolution. In some ways he could not handle me being such a leader. Two consolations for me. (1) I have not given a single thought to the one he left me for except to secretly acknowledge that she must be weaker than me; and (2) it is so fantastic that i do not have to pretend any more. I can openly show my strengths ALL the time now.
PS. BTW, I had not thought about any of these aspects until reading your post. These thoughts came to me in a flash. How enlightening especially my point (2) above; that you have suddenly made me think about. Don’t you think?.
Hugs xo
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Elizabeth, that’s how the documentary affected me too in regards to my past relationships. And in my case, it’s not like it’s the fault of the men, I’m the one who was doing it, for God knows why…
As Ian and others mentioned, I wonder how much of it is just hard-wired into us…
Diana xo
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I think it is a generational thing. However, there is also no getting over those hormones that flow once that babe is put in a woman’s arms.
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That’s for sure!
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Thank you Diana, for this wonderful post, and for sharing your journey and insights along the way. I’m always impressed when I see someone who “gets’ it from the other side of things–whether in regard to genders, colors, cultures, faith, politics, age, education, economic status, or whatever, without feeling the need to add a “but” or qualifiers.
Russ
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But is such an easy go-to and you wouldn’t believe how hard I have to work to not go there! 🙂
Diana xo
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I think i’ve seen ‘The End of Men.’
was really good doco.
it amazes me how much we are changing, in such a short time.
technology is zooming past us (we will never really catch up).
thanks for the post.
Gav.
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It was a great doco!
It sure does seem the farther we advance in technology, the faster we advance!
Diana xo
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I am a big old fashion to me a man should take care of and support his family that means his wife and his children I do feel that real men cry and show emotion but they are also strong and supportive
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(smiling) You and your man seem to get along really well, so you’re doing something very right!
Diana xo
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As the roles blend and we lose the stereotypes men are also expected to become more than just providers. Growing up I remember that women would have sisters, friends, and other women to depend upon for friendship and companionship while they expected financial support and other tradtionally male contiributions from thier husbands. Now, not only are woman expected to assume these responsibilities but our partners are often expected to act as our emotionally supportive best friends as well. I’m not sure what the answer is and have no desire to go backwards, but I don’t think I see many relationships that are able to balance these changes.
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I’m single so I don’t have much experience with balancing these changes. How, if at all, does it play out with your relationship? I don’t think I expect men to act as my emotional support. To this day, I still ask men, what do you think? and I ask women how do you feel? Thanks for weighing in my friend!
Diana xo
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I guess your post struck me because just the other day my partner made a remark that sounded like we had just stepped onto the set of “Happy Days.” Something along the lines wishing it were enough to be financially supportive. I guess I should have reminded him that I can provide that for myself, but I do think those roles are still difficult for many, not all, men.
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me too. I’ve seen many male friends struggle with it.
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Thanks Diana. This subject is having such an impact. New studies show girls are doing much better in school us than boys. They have not quite discovered a scientific answer. Girls are less distracted and focus better. We need to better understand maleness and femaleness so we can all be successful. Great discussion.
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That’s very interesting Dr JC! Is this true in maths and sciences as well?
Yes understand and perhaps redefine?
Diana xo
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I never subscribed to all that ‘bullshit’ about what it means to be a man or woman – the stereotypes of the 50’s as you call them.
It’s also not often, Diana, that one reads such a balanced article.
Well done,
Eric
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Wow. Thank you for such high praise – you made my day Eric!
Diana xo
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Earned respect makes a man a man.
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I like that Tracy!
Diana xo
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I made that up on the spot. I like it too.
I was thinking about something I learned from a marriage counselor, who said that women need their men to love them, and men need their women to respect them. (Of course we both need both, but she was talking about primary relational security stuff; what makes people stay in a relationship).
And when you asked what makes a man a man, I thought of my husband, a very manly guy. It’s easy for me to respect my husband, because he earns my respect.
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I heard a variation on that concept that goes, Woman, it’s not enough to love your husband, you must respect him. Man it’s not enough to love your wife, you must cherish her. The man who shared this with me also added that cherish and respect actually mean the same thing if you think about it. 🙂
Sounds like you have a great marriage. He is a chef right, manly and cooks – woo hoo!
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He’s so manly, he feels no need to prove his masculinity. He does the laundry and the dishes, too, and he loves flowers.
I think the man who shared that with you is on to something–when we’re functioning as our best selves, we have way more similarities than differences.
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That’s true! My response to women are from Venus and men are from Mars is always: We are all from earth, now play nice!
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🙂
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How sad Diana. Thank you for sharing this perspective and the heartache of older men who no longer live up to their idea of what being a man is. Our core beliefs create expectations which become burdens on ourselves.
I do believe that the next generation see things very differently and have more freedom to be equal contributors –
Thanks to the moms and dads who brought them up in the 70’s and beyond!
Val x
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Val you have a gift of penning impactful phrases. I love this: Our core beliefs create expectations which become burdens on ourselves.
Diana xo
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Thanks for putting this out there for discussion Diana. This is highly relevant. The quote “a man is supposed to provide for his family” resonated with me from my coaching practice. This is a constant pressure on men and one that causes them to lose a sense of self much as a woman might feel that they have no time for themselves as caregivers to their family.
I also wonder how much nature vs. nurture play into this. Somehow I think this idea of “providing and protecting” is hard wired into men from our cave dwelling times much as the need to “care for the clan” is hardwired in the psyche of women.
All that said, I do believe what @mrs fringe says above that there is a residual inequality built into most societies around the world that still requires our attention and intention to change.
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Ian, I wonder about the nature as well.
It’s interesting to me that this very topic comes up in your coaching sessions. Like I stated though, it’s never really dawned on me to look at it from a man’s perspective before. I wonder why that is…
Thanks for your thought-provoking comment!
Diana xo
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I don’t know what makes a man a man, but yes, the world has changed a great deal since we were teens. Not enough, though. Residual inequality is very real, and the fallout that comes of changes we’ve yet to learn how to carry through and accommodate. Funny, the short story I’ve been playing with deals with this question. 🙂
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Love the short story connection! Yes follow through is an issue. Sometimes it seems the generation who tries to implement change has to have passed on and the next generation who knows no difference can follow through. What do you think?
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I think we’ve dropped the ball.
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What makes a man a man? Only that he has different sexual tools to that of a woman… otherwise they are equal… this I’ve believed all my life… Linda has had to sit and aid in all the decisions we’ve made in life from day one of us being married… we have never been rich and Linda has worked a lot of her life except when we decided she needed to be at home to raise the kids and I was earning the bigger salary… but all the moves we’ve made, the businesses we have started have all been on an equal discussion and agreement of what we intend to do…
When there is a problem at home, or some one/thing has been threatening, Linda has stood aside and left it to me, but then I’m stronger than her and a hell of a lot bigger, and she realises that in that field I’m the one she hides behind… apart from that we are equal…
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Somehow I already knew you guys were a team bulldog! I don’t think equality means that both genders handle exactly the same things. Maybe it’s more about complementing each other with our individual gifts?
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There is nothing like two perfect machines that complement each other… and two heads have always been better than one… and Linda and I do complement each other, her strengths are my weaknesses and the other way round… its realising what ones weaknesses are that makes for a perfection in union…
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Well said bulldog!
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I wonder how my daughter sees gender roles. Does she still hold fast to the things I believed growing up? Do the stereotypes outlive the memory of their reason for being? Thanks for sharing your thoughts on what makes a man, a man. They’re qualities that can belong to either gender – as you stated ‘being human.’
Diana xo
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This is heartbreaking — “Maybe I can learn to be a person who has dreams. A person who enjoys being a Dad.”
While I know it isn’t women who created that place where he didn’t have dreams, or didn’t enjoy being a dad, we contributed.
And maybe he can learn it — as long as we women allow it to happen, as long as we get out of our own limited thinking…
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It was heartbreaking to watch! Women started off looking for equality, not to switch roles and become superior. All people should be concerned with equality, no matter which gender or race, or social/economic status, or belief system, for that matter, they come from. Right?
Diana xo
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I think we tend to forget that the revolutionary changes that have happened to women have had a profound impact on men. In a sense they have had to begin a journey of re-discovering new ways of what it means to be male. This has been deeply traumatic in many, many cases, but absolutely necessary. A lot of my friends have had to make this journey and have found greater fulfillment in themselves. I know that I certainly have. Great post Diana.
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Thanks for your insightful comment Don. I can’t believe I never really thought about how men were affected by it before now!
Diana xo
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It’s very hard for traditional roles to be challenged. What makes a man a man? Being human- integrity, compassion, commitment, gratitude.
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