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200 words, caring, compassion, Diana Schwenk, Diana's Enormous Book of Quotes, family, friends, harmful, health, helpful, Relationships
Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.
We all want to know we are needed.
We all need to know that we can count on our loved ones to support and stand with us.
But what happens when our helping causes harm?
We’ve all hurt others, and we’ve all been hurt by others in the name of helping.
Some dos and don’ts I’ve learned along the way
- Don’t say what they already know. “You’re out of control, you need to let go, that wasn’t your best decision,” are not helpful.
- Don’t offer negative comments. words like, “You shouldn’t, you can’t, you always screw up,” etc., tear your loved ones down.
- Do ask questions. “What do you plan to do? Do you have supports in place? How can I help you?”
- Do listen. Let them talk. Holding pain inside keeps people trapped in their own chamber of horrors.
- Do offer comfort. A promise of support. A hug. A hand on their shoulder.
~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~
What helping tips do you have?
Related articles
- How to Listen to a Friend Who is Hurting (barbarascovillelcsw.com)
talktodiana 
This is also a good list to reference before trying to help children in my case, young adult children, make decisions/plans. If you don’t follow these suggestions, fur can fly.
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Thanks Lisa, we don’t need flying fur! 😉 ❤
Diana xo
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Completely agreed here!
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Thanks and how have you been???
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great post as always! Please accept this award. http://tersiaburger.com/2013/07/10/unique-leaves-award/
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Thank you Tersia for this and for the friendship you extend to me in the blogosphere!
xo
Diana
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Perfect – Listening is more important that talking. And checking in can make a huge difference down the road too.
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I agree! It’s hard to remember to check in down the road, so I usually set up a calendar appt. to remind me.
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That time after the crash – about 6 weeks or so – that’s when everyone thinks you are fine and quits asking – that’s when you start to feel alone and really need comfort.
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Sounds like very good advice!
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I hope I remember it when the time comes! 😉
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Sometimes just to be there in the darkest hrs./times with the person and lend a helping hand –no social media –twitter, Facebook, email is going to replace your friendly presence.
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That’s so true Jean and it’s been my experience that if you bring a bottle of wine when you go to be there in person it helps…at the very least, it doesn’t hurt. 🙂
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Just that you are there. Let them take the lead. This is their time to talk so, any one of life’s scenarios are clearly understood. When laid out for you, asking what their plans are? What will they do about the situation?
Perhaps you disagree with their plan but, don’t discount, and admonish them in the negative. Maybe you have an alternative plan in mind for them but, just ask if they’ve thought in those terms (laying out your thoughts)? ‘Have you thought of this?’ Never speaking of them or, their ideas in the negative.
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Ahh you sound like a great friend Dave…
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I really like that “Don’t say what they already know.” I’ve never really thought about that before, but it’s a great tip and makes a lot of sense.
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Thanks Alicia. I think we’ve all had someone say to us that we shouldn’t have done, or said something…well d’uh we know that! 🙂
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I try to not say negative things to my children and grandchildren as it is those negative things that stick in someones head and knowing they are not true doesn’t make them go away
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You’re a good mum and grandma Joanne!
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Excellent post, Diana. Great reminders and suggestions!
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Thanks so much Russ!
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Often I think that it is more important to listen than to offer advice.
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I agree.
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Good good stuff! (as always) xo
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Thanks so much!!
Hugs,
Diana
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I remember reading similar advice that Louise mentioned somewhere, except it was in relation to raising and teaching children. It makes perfect sense too. We all remember a time someone pointed out the negative about us, I bet. That sort of thing sticks with me for life! Great advice, Diana. x
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Thanks Jennifer! Ahh to be compared to Louise – I love it!
xo
Diana
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Helping sometimes mean just sticking around. When we hurt we already know what needs to be done to stop hurting. Sometimes it takes more than one attempt to get things right. During those failed attempts we just need someone with us with no judgement. So my advice shut up and stick around.
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Even when it’s hard to do so! ❤
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Oh Diana you are so right on the button with this one… outstanding advise,,,
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Thanks bulldog! We are our own harshest critics – there’s not a lot someone can say that we don’t already know…
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In a course I took they said that for every 1 negative we hear, we need 4 positives to counterbalance.
I like your tips.
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Thanks Louise! Yes I’ve heard very similar things.
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Along the same lines, the psychology of the subconscious says that by coaching about a negative performance or emotion what we actually do is reinforce the negative.
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I can believe that. Similarily, have you ever tried to NOT think about something you are trying to change or stop or get over? It ends up being all that you can think of!
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