Tags
actions, behaviour, building community, communication, community, Diana Schwenk, Hump Day Chronicles, motivation, perspective, projecting onto others, Relationships, understanding
On Sunday, I wrote this post about kindness and just in case you don’t want to go back and read it, let me tell you the gist of it.
I wrote about a man who can be like a bull in a china shop when pursuing his goals. And then, as if out of left field, can commit a random act of kindness by plugging ‘almost expired’ parking meters as he walks down the street.
Then along comes mrsfringe and comments, “Love your story, but I’d guess filling the meters has much to do with a sense of just/unjust.” And by golly, I believe she’s right! Because I worked with him for many years, I know this man had worked his way to the top because he believed that he could make more of an impact on this world in a systemic way than he could by dealing with individuals on the floor. So what if you have to bowl over a few folks on the way if your end goal will create a better system, right?
Change the system and in the long-run you change the situation for all individuals.
Change the system and you create justice and equality.
And if you can’t change the system, buck the system by plugging almost expired, money-sucking, ‘when you know your meeting is an hour and they only let you pay for 30 minutes max and are counting on you to forget to come back and pay more’ therefore enabling them to issue a parking ticket, stupid parking meters.
That’ll teach the powers that be!
Ok so why does it make a difference whether he plugged the meters out of kindness or out of a sense of justice?
Whatever the reason, the people who were parked there were spared the cost of a $30 parking ticket and that’s all that mattered to them.
So why is understanding someone’s motivation important?
So glad you asked!
Understanding why someone does what they do is a great place to start in any relationship or collaboration. And sometimes, it can even relieve the stress that you are feeling from the actions of someone else.
For example, a few years back an organization that I worked for hired a company to help us understand our individual core personality traits and also create job personality profiles for our vacant positions. With this tool we would be able to hire people who were well-suited for specific jobs. The premise being that if you hire the right person the first time the organization wins by saving costs. And the employee wins because they are well-equipped to do the job and have a better chance of excelling.
All the leadership in our organization took the test and the owner of the consulting company (lets call him Bill) reviewed the results with us as a group. I won’t get into how amazing and revealing these results were but suffice it to say it was a remarkable and eye-opening experience. When my profile was projected onto the wall for all to see, Bill pointed at me and said…
“You’re always asking questions! And when people answer them you ask more questions.
You are full of ideas and you are constantly voicing them.
Have you ever stopped to think about how that makes your staff feel?
I’ll tell you how they’re feeling…they’re thinking they have to scramble and implement all those ideas and there’s not enough time in the day to do that!”
He was right of course.
They thought I was questioning their work and time management.
They thought I was inferring that they weren’t measuring up to some impossible ideal.
They thought this because the only way they could ever imagine asking so many questions themselves is if they were concerned about how someone else was doing their job.
The reason I ask lots of questions is because I’m curious to know what my team thinks. I ask lots of questions because I want to understand things and I want to empower others to take ownership. And yes I have a lot of ideas that I toss out there. I do it for feedback – I honestly want to know if people think my ideas have merit. And if they do have merit I want to know if they think we have the resources to implement them. And because that’s how I think, I just presumed everyone would think that way and know that that was what I was doing.
So is knowing someone’s motivation for what they do important?
I think so. Sure those who benefited from their meters being topped up didn’t care about what motivated this man to do it. But understanding what motivates him was valuable to me because I worked with him day-in and day-out.
Knowing how my questions affect others is also helpful to me. Now when I am trying to understand a situation or want to throw ideas out into a room full of people, I start with a preamble that makes my motivation clear to those present.
Have you ever misjudged someone based on your perspective of what would motivate you to do what they are doing?
Or have you ever been misjudged based on someone else’s perspective of what would motivate them to do what you are doing?
~ THE HUMP DAY CHRONICLES ~
What is your perspective!
Kristi said:
Funny, this is the topic I’ve been having heated discussions about. Knowing someones “why” is fundamental to understand the person, their actions and their potential…especially at work. Also once, we understand our own “why” our whole life changes..everything we do changes and how we do what we do changes. I’m secretly obsessed with Simon Sinek. Great post D! 🙂
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dianasschwenk said:
Thanks Kristi! I had to look up Simon Sinek and may just have to pick up a copy of his book!
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Kristi said:
check him out on youtube. great stuff! 🙂
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artsifrtsy said:
We went through a testing at my workplace a couple of years ago. We started testing new hires a couple years before that and all management were tested as a way to help us understand the process. It was very enlightening. When my staff was tested I found that they had very specific motivations and needs to perform and it’s helped me to give them the kind of direction that motivates them. I really manage them according to their strengths. One needs to know every project coming up in the next month, one gets overwhelmed with that kind of info – little things like that. It’s changed me in that I see myself giving them the things they need to love their work.
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dianasschwenk said:
Isn’t it awesome Lorri? I love this kind of stuff!
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artsifrtsy said:
It really is – I think it has made me a better manager and my crew is very devoted – giving them the little things they need is a big help. I think before this process I was more likely to bristle at our differences, now I try to see them as advantages to the processes we work through.
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dianasschwenk said:
sounds like a real team! Above all staff need to know you care about them and interacting with them in the way that works for them is honouring and shows you care.
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artsifrtsy said:
Very true!
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Wyrd Smythe said:
Totally agree! Knowing the “why” goes a long, long way in understanding people. I’ve found it’s very difficult (but not impossible! :)) to have a negative opinion about someone’s behavior when you fully understand it.
I was raised in a context of, almost extreme, fairness, so it’s a quality I tend to regard and appreciate. I can well understand how someone could plug parking meters like that (getting in the establishment’s face is another thing I regard and appreciate!). Weird thing: I’ve heard of people getting a citation for doing this… not the good kind of citation, either. Apparently, at least in some places, it’s actually illegal to plug a parking meter for a stranger. Weird world!!
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dianasschwenk said:
It is illegal here too!
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Wyrd Smythe said:
Doesn’t that seem odd? It’s almost like a law that prevents you from holding the door open for someone.
I wonder if things like this still happen:
Many years ago (I was a child), we were on a vacation road trip and stopped in a small town’s diner for lunch. We stayed too long, and our parking meter ran out. When we returned to the car, we found a(n official) note on the windshield that the meter had expired and money had been added for us. If we wished to reimburse the town, we could put money in the provided envelope to be dropped off in the next mailbox.
What a charming way for a small town to handle visitors! The memory of the event is a cherished one.
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dianasschwenk said:
I love that!
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Cassandra said:
Great insights Diana. I can totally relate as I’m also a question asker and I didn’t always realise that this can really be stressful for people around me who feel like they’re being out on trial when really I’m just super curious and always trying to figure out the world around me.
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dianasschwenk said:
Thanks Cassandra! Knowing that you can explain why you’re asking questions is a great strategy to implement in cases just like this! Curiousity is a wonderful thing. 🙂
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Cassandra said:
True that!
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elizabeth2560 said:
Guilty! Guilty! I too am guilty of the ‘asking too many question’ syndrome, of myself and others.
Yes, many, many times my motivations have been misconstrued when I ask too many questions of others; when my intentions have been in the other persons best interests (or so I thought).
As for asking questions of myself (should I? can I? what if? how?) – sometimes I wish that I could simply shut-up and get on with it.
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elizabeth2560 said:
PS. thought provoking post Diana. Made me think. 🙂
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dianasschwenk said:
Thanks Elizabeth!
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dianasschwenk said:
You’re too hard on yourself Elizabeth. Asking questions is not a bad thing. Question askers like us probably just have to learn to explain why we’re asking. 🙂
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Our Life In 3D said:
As a manager I always have thought one of my top priorities was to gt to know my staff and so to understand what motivates them.No cookie cutter approach works with everyone. If you get to know them, know what is important to them and support them Motivation can grow. Great Post Diana!
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dianasschwenk said:
Makes sense to me! Thanks for your insight. Always good to see you here.
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russtowne said:
Thank you for the reminder and for sharing more about yourself, Diana.
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dianasschwenk said:
You’re welcome. Thanks for stopping by!
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joannerambling said:
I would wonder the reason behind someones action but then often think it doesn’t really matter as long as the action was a good one, also really does someone need to understand why one person does good things and another goes on a bat crazy killing spree……………….well I don’t I am a pretty simple woman and have a habit of just rolling with the flow
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dianasschwenk said:
Yes, someone else mentioned that they take things at face value you as well here in the comments. Ahh wouldn’t that be the perfect world, if you could always do that?
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The Water Bearer said:
Great post Diana! I love this depth of discussion. I was once accused of being insensitive, bossy, and rude by my fellow workers at a performance review. I freaked out. “Huh? When was I? I never would think of being like that!!” Gutted at such a false accusation. I finally learned, because I had worked there so long I knew so many staff in so many different sections of the business, I was quite relaxed and let my sarcastic humour out all the time. Those who KNEW me knew I was humble and had a servant heart, I would never think to boss someone around (especially as I was never in a position of authority). Turns out their own ugliness was projected onto me and they couldn’t see that I was trying to be funny and lift the mood of the office. I have since kept my humour to myself until I get a read if someone else can take a joke. Oi!
I am currently trying to teach my daughter (17Yrs) about the concept that just because she speaks freely about her thoughts and feelings honestly, doesn’t mean everyone else does. Just because she has self-control and treats people with respect doesn’t mean other automatically do. I has been hard for her to realize people will lie to your face, call you their friend and stab you in the back with a smile on their face. She has been hurt too many times by this, poor kid. Ah we live and learn! Blessings to you!
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dianasschwenk said:
It is tough growing up. That’s when we test our wings and test and try ways of being in the world, isn’t it?
Most of the time when problems arise, they can be traced back to communication (real and perceived) I googled it the other day and was reminded that words are only 7% of communication! We are continually interpretting body language and facial expression based on our own perceptions. As for lying, most kids do it to protect themselves in some way because they have yet to learn how to stand up and be responsible for their actions. Your daughter will come through just like you and I did, right?
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Sheryl said:
I never thought about this before, but it also seems like questions can be differentiated by whether they are focused on small details or bigger issues. The detail questions are important because they can help ensure that a task is done correctly; but the “I wonder what would happen if we did _______?” type of questions are the ones that are fun to think about. .
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dianasschwenk said:
true enough. Unless the team is up to their armpits in crocodiles already and are thinking…oh man when is the meeting going to end so I can go catch up! This could be the time when tasks get redistributed or clear priorities are identified and other tasks are put on the back burner or discarded all together.
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stuffitellmysister said:
I read a quote today….cannot tell you the source at the moment, but the jest of it was “I wish we could hold people up to the light like we can dollar bills to see if they are real or fake.”
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dianasschwenk said:
haha – I love it!
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bulldog said:
Ever since school I was the one to ask questions… all the way through Uni too… my Dad used to say “we’re paying good money for them to teach you so if you want to know more you ask, they must answer” well I was often thought of as the one disrupting class, but somehow I was the one that was always near the top… left Uni with an Honours… and one of my specialties is mathematics.. now if it is wrong to ask questions then I think the people being asked are the ones who need to change, questions asked should be seen as a request for info, feed back and just so much more…
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dianasschwenk said:
That doesn’t surprise me Bulldog! Because I believe in collaboration and community, if by explaining why I’m asking helps to put people at ease, I’ll gladly do it.
Now math intimidates me!
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Jennifer's Journal said:
I’ve been called on this very thing before, but I’m with you: asking questions shouldn’t be seen as a problem, but an interest in getting at the facts and yes, other possibilities that may work better.
Or are we what some organizations call sh*t disturbers? 😉
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dianasschwenk said:
perhaps – but in my case probably for a whole lot of other reasons! 😉
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Jennifer's Journal said:
This is what happened in your previous job, I take it?
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dianasschwenk said:
This being what? Post is based on 2 jobs ago. 😉
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Jennifer's Journal said:
Sorry, I wasn’t clear. I was referring to you being questioned for asking so many questions, and your motivation. Anyway, you answered mine. 🙂
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dianasschwenk said:
haha enjoying the questions! 😉
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Louise Gallagher said:
Love your perspective — and I too am prone to asking questions because I too am curious. But… some of the best feedback I ever received that helped me grow was a woman telling me that she experienced me as someone who would never find an answer good enough.
when it comes to living life in the now — her feedback helped me see — sometimes, it’s not the questions that make the difference, it’s living with what I know and celebrating what’s happening now.
Great post Diana!
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dianasschwenk said:
I wonder if the woman who thought you would never get a good enough answer asks questions when she expects answers that aren’t satisfying. I love the idea of celebrating what is happening now and celebrate who you are and how you inspire others!
xo
Diana
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