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200 words, alone, awakening, bigger purpose, courage, dawn, determined, Diana Schwenk, fall in line, idealism, morning, sleepless, strength, strong, tired
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.” ~ Charles M. Shultz
What piece of the puzzle am I missing?
Why can’t I just do what is expected of me?
Why can’t I just fall in line?
I just can’t do it
It makes my stomach queasy
It feels…
…fake
There’s got to be more
a bigger purpose
Why can’t everyone see it?
Why hasn’t it dawned?
Why won’t it reveal itself?
There was a time when I didn’t mind standing alone…
a time when I felt STRONG
and determined to press on
for the greater good – the bigger purpose.
Now I’m just tired
awake in the night
and alone…and alone feels…
alone.
Yet I can’t let it go
can’t let it slip away
My strength will return… I know
it’s just going to take more than one night.
~
Wandering in the wilderness can be a good thing
It’s like the dark before the dawn
on the edge of awakening
~ DIANA’S ENORMOUS BOOK OF QUOTES ~
What awaits you in the morning?
What are you hoping for?
talktodiana 
It’s though, Diana…it’s tough. I know the feeling. Sometimes the digital connection feels sufficient, at others (like mid-night) it falls away to that feeling of loneliness. It doesn’t help when some in real life seem to be agreeing with you in theory, but action is another matter.
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Hey thanks for your kind thoughts. I’m OK just trying to figure some things out. I’ve been around long enough to recognize that it’s always darkest before the dawn. I am a loner in a sense but lately I just feel alone in some my thinking. yanno what I mean?
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I know…there are times I feel as if there are nofriends to be had..last Friday was one of those nights..I was disconnected from all.. even slept in my van.. next day I spent most of the day tending to what I needed and felt recentered because of it.
If you need to hear the random voice of another of your friends in the wilderness, don’t hesitate to ask.
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Wow… that’s… I mean… ’cause… gee! It’s like you read my mind. Except for the fact that I sleep fine, all the other points have been going through my mind a lot lately. Especially about how standing alone seemed the thing to do once, but it’s like I was too successful at it, and now it’s just being alone. (And people call me “character” and “nutter” and I know they mean it affectionately, but it cuts… it just signifies my alienation.)
I keep waiting for strength to return and the mood to lift. It always has in the past (sometimes all I need is a good night’s sleep). But so far I’m still waiting.
If I find any, though, I’ll split it with ya!!
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Ditto! If I find strength I’ll split it with you!
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Deal! Also, per your question to myrthryn below: totally, and I’ve been feeling very much the same lately. Trying to post about it, but can’t find the right words. [Can it just be a case of the winter blahs? I dunno.]
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you mean like ‘brain freeze’?
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More brain blah with regard to winter. Longing for open windows and shorts and tee-shirts.
If it’s not the winter blahs, I think it’s mostly work. What’s going on with you? Think it’s winter blahs or something deeper?
(Pity I can’t just say, “Hey, meet me over at Champs after work and we’ll talk about it over beers.”)
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It’s just a phase, this too shall pass – although going out for beers sounds like a great idea!
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Let’s see… you’re in BC, right? So halfway between… somewhere in Montana?
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A-hem, I’m in Alberta about 3 1/2 hours north of the Montana border at National Glacier Park and the famous Road to the Sun! I like Whitefish, some awesome peeps there. How’s that sound?
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Huh! I had it in my head you were on the west coast.
Well, that’s about 1000 miles as the crow flies, and it appears that Road doesn’t open entirely until June! (And not so much “halfway” as “in your back yard!” :grin:)
Gorgeous country, though! And I am planning to retire in June. Hmmm……
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😉
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Really enjoyed reading this. Had to come back for a second read. It speaks to, and of me.
The questions asked………..just one answer. You can. Everybody can. Perhaps, the real question, ‘Why won’t we?’ It will take just one night maybe, tonight.
What keeps it going? My resistance to letting go? Letting go of what? My refusal to embrace what I believe I am not, and cannot be but, want to be?
Components of an ego that I have allowed to seal my fate? I haven’t come that far in self discovery to this point but, I have every intention of finding out.
I hope you will find a new entry point for your peaceful existence on a daily basis.
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Ahh Maybe tonight…thanks for stopping by Dave and for your encouraging and thoughtful comment!
xo
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So blood true
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Isn’t it though…
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Beautifully and vulnerably written – I feel like this sometimes, but I have a bent for just trudging through and thinking later. I find myself now in a season where I want an adventure – I need to shake things up. I love the Schulz quote – he was quite the philosopher 🙂
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Yes he was! It seems to me you have a lot of adventures…
xo
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Yes, the “alone” bit is a bit daunting in the middle of the night.
“Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart and you’ll never walk alone”
(Oscar Hammerstein)
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Another great quote for my collection – thanks Elizabeth!
xo
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It is actually a song.
‘When you walk through a storm’ from Carousel by Rodgers and Hammerstein.
An oldie but goodie
(That is; if you are in to songs that have both literal and deep philosophical meanings to them)
🙂
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Thanks – I love songs and music and things that have double meanings!
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So how is it going – now that it has been ‘more than one night’.
Any further through your thought processes, in coming to any conclusion?
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No, not really, but less stressed about it! Thanks for asking!
xo
Diana
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I can relate to this. Very beautifully written Diana. Wanted to share this quote with you….”Always remember to judge everything by your inner feeling of bliss.”(Osho) This made finding the missing piece of puzzle just a little easier. hugs 🙂
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I love quotes – thank you for sharing one that means so much to you!
xo
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“It’s like the dark before the dawn
on the edge of awakening”
Beautiful and wise Diana. Thank you for this great post.
Russ
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Thank you Russ for your continued encouragement and friendship.
xo
Diana
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Looks like we’ve been on a similar path of thoughts. I have no answers, but I love your poem, and (((((Hugs)))) for you ❤
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Hugs back at you and thank you! I know a lot of people feel this way from time to time and it was quite a challenge for me to be this vulnerable – seriously…We go through this together, alone… it’s strange eh?
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It’s strange and frankly, it feels quite terrible. Eventually I’ll revert back to numb. I don’t recommend it as a healthy coping mechanism, but sometimes it has to be that way, for me.
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You’re not the only one that does that! And actually I think it is healthy to numb out sometimes, walk away from it mentally, regroup, rest and come back when you’re ready. I’ve done that many times. 🙂
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It fees trite to say, but we do what we have to do.
🙂
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It sounds like a suppressed memory to me that will pop up soon. I’ve been there many nights waiting for answers but they didn’t come unless I was ready to face them. Your post is so true, have a beautiful Sunday!
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Thank you Ruby, you too! I think I’m just looking for the next adventure…a place to belong… a place to move forward with like-minded individuals and make a difference. 🙂
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Adventures are the salt of life, it spices up our lives! I wish you to find the best one and enjoy it to the fullest!
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(smiling) Thank you so much!
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oh but I will try to be open to any possiblity – thank you Ruby!
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The strength and purpose will come back and renewal is just around the corner. Be kind to yourself and I pray today you find some peace. 🙂
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Thanks so much Kirsten – means a lot. 🙂
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You have given me pause since I read this expressive post this morning, I have been there, and more than once, Diana. I hope today gives you some peace.
Jennifer x
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Thank you so much Jennifer! I appreciate your good wishes. 🙂
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A new day awaits me in the morning ~ the reset button to start over ~ a new dawn ~ the delete button to erase whatever was yesterday’s woes that I can’t fix. It’s the new page to write on filled with whatever I choose! Love your poem! Hope you find beauty, joy and inspiration today! xo
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(smiling) thank you so much – Happy Sunday to you!
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To bed to sleep to rest.. to see a smiling sun in the morning…
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Sweet dreams. 🙂
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tired here too…
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ahh
We’ll wait together then. 🙂
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are we twins — we are having twin thoughts — nicely expressed —
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Maybe! Thanks so much!
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So true.
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tough for someone like me who likes things to happen quickly! 😉
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