“He who speaks the truth must have one foot in the stirrup.” ~ American Proverb
I don’t say 80% of what’s in my head. Those who have known me for years would say that’s a good thing.
It wasn’t always like that.
When I was younger I just blurted everything out – uncensored.
Things I said strained friendships that were important to me.
Things I said started huge fights.
Things I said got thrown back in my face and were painfully rubbed in.
I got older, maybe a bit wiser and learned that saying everything I think…
when I think it can really hurt people.
So more and more I’d think before I spoke and sometimes I chose not to speak at all.
When I took a moment to think about it…
it made sense not to say it.
Often I realized I was wrong and was thankful I didn’t say it.
Probably a good thing…
but in the last few years I’ve been thinking that maybe I’ve gone too far.
Bad things happen when good people do/say nothing and all that.
Maybe I haven’t said things that needed saying.
Maybe I need to re-think my thinking.
What do you think?
talktodiana 
It’s a tough call – deciding what to say and when to hold one’s peace.
Once spilled, can’t pick up the words – even when we do, stains get left behind.
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Stains get left behind… brilliant imagery!
Diana xo
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Haha, same here, when I’m tired things can get out of control ;P. This is a great post, many can relate to!
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Diana, I think you should let yourself shine with all that you are! If by nature YOU are opinionated and like sharing your mind with the world (which I admire btw!!) you should go all in. It will benefit the world so much more. I once heard a story about this guy, who liked talking, loud, a lot and at all times. In his childhood, other people, teachers, relatives etc. would tell him how he should not talk that loud….he could not help it, but kept it down. So, all through his childhood and adult life he wanted to fit in, he lowered his voice, spoke calmly, even though it was not natural for him to speak in that way, he did….until one day he got enough. Now, he owns his own radiostation and talks non-stop and really loud anytime he feels like. Some love him a lot (others don’t). 😀 I can relate to being afraid of hurting other people feelings (being opinionated myself I know exactly what you mean), but sometimes people also really do need to hear the truth straight up.
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Thanks for the encouragement! I have successfully trained myself not to blurt things out, except when I’m tired, then I have no control. However, I think I still say what I need to, I just give it some thought first and check what my motivation is…if it’s anger, I wait until I’m not angry…
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I was actually much more disciplined about what I said when I was younger. As I grow older my internal censor seems to be showing some wear.
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Which I’m ok with because you are so funny! (looking frantically around) Now if only I could find my transgobulator then I could bring it with me in my time machine and go back in time to find out how you got that way…
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Great question! I think most of us say more than we should – me included. I have a friend who used to say that he let all of his words stop at the top of his neck to be thought out before he said them. I am sure he said it more eloquently, but that was the gist of it. I like that idea. But you are right – sometimes, SOMEONE has to say something. I missed you!!!!
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Thanks my dear! Your friend sounds like someone I would enjoy meeting. I missed you too, but glad you had such an awesome trip and I can’t wait to hear more! xo
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🙂 You know you will! 😉
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Pingback: BB #13 – Monday Miscellany « Logos con carne
Thanks for the mention – I’m sincerely touched.
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I would love to say everything that somes to my mind, but haha I sure wouldn’t want to be on the other end of it…I think when people “tell the truth” they often focus on negative things and neglect larger, broader truths that are usually very positive.
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interesting thought – thanks for stopping by and sharing it!
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I have often wondered if I’ve said too much… known for calling a “spade a spade” has not always done me harm.. but then I don’t know how many people I’ve hurt in the past… now I think I’ve mellowed with age and tend to keep my mouth more shut… till I can’t, and then it runs like a train…
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You’re not alone in that. When I read your last line…till I can’t, and then it runs like a train…I couldn’t help thinking that it sounds like a country song!
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I regret what I have said far more often than what I did not say. My filters work pretty good until I am tired or have an adrenaline rush. Still, the words that flow are usually not offensive. I just feel like an idiot.
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Oh man, I become so goofy when I’m tired. It’s like I can’t stop talking and cover up the fact that I’m talking by talking more!
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Maybe it takes less energy to ramble on than to focus on what is going on or to listen?? Hard to fall asleep while your talking 😉
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Although I’ve been known to talk in my sleep!
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lol, that’s a whole other problem my friend 8).
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I have a daughter who will say what she thinks/feels and doesn’t get it that sometimes her words/thoughts can hurt others and wonders why some people get pissed off with her over something she has said when in her eyes she is just saying how it is……………..I have tried to tell her that it is good to speak your mind but sometimes you need to think if what you want to say is helpful or just hurtful there is a place and a time to state your opinon and a place and time to say nothing……………I have had many times I have thought something but not said it as it saying something would cause more trouble and would achieve nothing. That said there are also times when I have said nothing and then later wished I had said something sometimes it is hard to get the balance right…………well for me it is…….
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Joanne you’re a good mom! I think getting the balance right is hard for everyone…
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I definitely have trouble “biting my tongue.” Getting things off your chest can just be so darn satisfying sometimes! Until the aftermath rolls around of course. This is something I’ve tried to get better at with time as well, writing letters to people that I don’t send instead of saying things I can’t take back. You’re right though in that there is a delicate balance to things, there are times when speaking up can be just what someone else needs you to do!
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None of us are perfect but as long as we’re learning, that’s a good thing, right?
Thanks for stopping by Andrea – always good to see and hear from you. 🙂
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So very true! It’s all a growing process 🙂
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I usually say what I’m thinking, but I’m learning to weigh the tone carefully. It’s too easy to dump my crap on someone or to not allow someone their own feelings on a subject. You can express your feelings without pushing someone’s buttons. I think there is wisdom in deciding who you talk to as well. Everyone needs a sounding board – someone who will weigh it against their clearer understanding of you.
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I agree. A wise wo(man) seeks counsel!
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I speak out when I feel the overwhelming need to. Otherwise, I let it go. If asked my opinion I will give it unvarnished. Have always been that way. People have to make their own mistakes to learn lessons in life. If I see a wrong, I may speak or not, depends on how bad the wrong. I have to understand something before I speak, otherwise the situation might be worse because of it. I have had things told to me about me that were hurtful and I felt unnecessary. I don’t want to be one of those people. So I don’t say much unless I feel the need.
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You are a wise woman! Also, second or third-hand information can set a trap of hurt that has no basis…I rarely trust it (when I hear someone who knows someone said that you…) unless I first go to the source.
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Wise? not really, but thank you! And yes, I never trust second or third information, they usually leave out the whole truth. I know from personal experience. But that’s a whole nother story. 🙂
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Wise? not really, but thank you seems to have a but in it. 😉
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there’s always a but somewhere. 🙂
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Like most people, I was quite certain I knew everything when I was younger. I had an opinion on everything, and shared it. Now, I find that I question myself and my thoughts to the point where I am paralyzed. In some cases I am sure this is wise, but it is crazy-making. Very timely post, as usual. I often wish you could just do the talking for me Diana.
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Careful what you wish for Sandra! hahaha. Don’t you underestimate your own wisdom, for many a time you have cleared the cobwebs in my mind. I’m lucky to call you friend. ❤
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“I know your deeds that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm–neither hot nor cold–I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” Rev. 3:15-16
Neither milquetoast nor bellicose!
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I just learned two new words! Had to look them up before responding. This is a passage that I’ve given a lot of thought to in the past. Can’t say I totally understand it. Lukewarm meaning sitting on the fence, wishy washy…It has meant different things to me at different times of my life. Any passage taken out of context can be a scary thing though. I think a common theme I always try to remember is Love. Make sense?
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It does to me. I’ve always thought the main messages of the NT were ‘love’ and ‘surrender to faith.’
Equating being in the middle with wishy-washy made me want to butt in here. (And no doubt illustrate the theme of your post today in the process!) It can mean you see both sides. You can even feel strongly about both sides and still wind up in the middle. A long time ago I wrote a post, Vector Thinking, that tries to show a different way to think of it. Viewing it like a tug-of-war makes one feel they must take one side or the other. Realizing there is a “space” can help one get out of that thinking.
The Hot/Cold reminded me of the old stats joke… If you have one foot in the fire, and another foot in the ice, statistically speaking, you’re perfectly comfortable! 😉
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Thanks for this thought! On another totally unrelated note, I feel weird not knowing what to call you as I am assuming Wyrd Smthe is a clever play on word smith so I haven’t said hey Wyrd, good one! 🙂 So just know, I’m not trying to be intentionally rude by not acknowledging you by name…
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Ha! Many do call me Wyrd (and you’re right about the wyrd play). I’ve also been called Mr. Smythe and WS, but I was most charmed by the blogger who called me “Smitty.” Since the 80s, one of my main handles has been ProgrammerDude, so I also answer to Dude and PD.
Whatever works for ya!
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Smitty it is!
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😎
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When I was a kid I said something to a girl friend’s mom that had my mom reeling. My mom had in some way indicated that the other mom’s dad was an alcoholic, so I said something to the other mom about that. OOOPS! She was horrified – actually, both moms were horrified.
I wish I could say that I learned not to “blurt” asap…
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Wow, I’m sure I’ve done things like that as well. Never fun to live them down, is it?
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Well, it’s off to an awesome start, thanks to you, Di. You got me thinking about, and reading, James 1:19-27. That guy had some deep thoughts too. Hope your Sunday is as sunny as ours down here!
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It is gloriously sunny – thank you!
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I like your opening proverb! I’d never heard it before. It’s quite on point (and very American).
On the mouthy/quiet scale, you’d have to place me deep into mouthy territory, maybe at the end of the scale. I find it almost impossible to keep my mouth shut when I see misinformation (let alone lies). On the internet before the social media explosion, in the various discussion groups there was an ethic that published bad info required published counter-info to combat it. I think I had a sense of that ethic long before, though.
A high school friend once gave me a button with the words, “Everyone it entitled to my opinion.” It’s taken me most of my life to learn that’s actually not something to be proud of. Many years of seeing the results of being too free with opinion have finally instilled some small sense of learning to be quiet, but it’s something I still struggle with.
The context is so important. The rules differ depending on whether one is at work, with friends, with strangers, in a relationship or writing opinion blogs. [I learned in high school: never ever correct the girlfriend’s spelling in a love letter!]
It’s a decision we all make constantly based on our mood, experience and situation. The key question I think is, what course of action can you live with the easiest. If you berate yourself a lot for not speaking up, maybe it would be good to work on speaking up. If you kick yourself a lot for foot-in-mouth disease, then work on keeping quiet. I’ve gotten pretty damn sore from all the kicking, so I’m working on being quiet.
(But obviously not right at the moment.) 😕
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Absolutely, never correct a love letter! I hear what you’re saying – some good advice there. I would only add that sometimes one goes too far in the opposite direction to correct the first. I find myself thinking about swinging the pendulum back a little – that perhaps I don’t speak now when speaking is actually what I should be doing in some cases…
As always, thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts… 🙂
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Yeah, you’re right. Over-correcting is pretty easy to do. There’s probably a, “Life is like driving down an ice highway, steer gently,” metaphor lurking there…
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haha! good Metaphor. 🙂
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I loved the outspoken, witty and spontaneous Diana that I knew before, and it sounds like I can learn a lot from this more contemplative Diana too. For myself…I feel that if the development of my perceptiveness and objectivity would just keep pace with my runaway empathy, maybe I could achieve that Zen state I’ve not quite found yet. While I can stick my foot in my mouth with the best of ’em, I think I struggle most with just telling it like it is. I guess what I’m saying is that one has to be able to SEE it like it is before one can call ’em as they see ’em, eh? (I’m not too sure why I’m writing in cheesy sports cliches, complete with slang, but that’s why you blog and I just follow!)
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(smiling) I love your (cheesy sports cliches, complete with slang) and think you should blog! Thanks for stopping by and weighing in on saying what we think. There are so many factors to consider, aren’t there? Who our audience is…Is it one-to-one with a friend or is it a large group at a meeting? Will what I think build up or tear down? What is motivating me, is it anger, love? So much to think about! Have an awesome Sunday Penny!
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When I was growing up my mother used to always say, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”
I never understood the importance of that until I realized the power of my words to create harmony….. or discord.
I also agree — speaking up is important — it’s the ‘how’ of what we have to say that makes the difference.
Great post my friend! Thought-provoking. Have an awesome Sunday.
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Thanks Louise! I think your mom is a wise lady…I love Sundays and hope you have a great one as well. 🙂
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I’ve always been a weighed of my words. I do speak out more now, mainly in the letters to the paper to help improve the world. I’m sure most readers are upset by them. No hate mail yet, but who knows…
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Well hate mail is not the worst thing in the world. I actually prefer disagreement to total apathy. At least it means that people still care about it, right?
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Yeah…there is too much apathy about the really important things in life.
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Why do you think that is?
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People have been raised or rather trained to think certain ways. We’ve been placed in boxes and most don’t like to leave them.
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Oh Diana my sweet Sister, You have no Idea how many times I walk away from a conversation saying to myself …”Really you had to share EVERY THOUGHT in your head!!” ..Oh how I wish I could buy a filter for my mouth…I used to ask my therapist if He thought perhaps ebay may have one for me! I try to share less these days but I still share too much… I think…
Glad i”m not alone… Great post!
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Thanks so much for reading my post and your thoughts on it. I had a boss once that used to always say choose carefully the things you go to the wall for or is this worth dying on the hill for…and I try to always keep that in mind in the case of whether to speak when I know it will go against the current. When it is affirmation or encouragement for someone, I do not hesitate to speak. I think there have been times in the last few years when I should have spoken and didn’t…I should have stood up for someone or spoke the truth into a sea of lies, know what I mean?
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I know exactly what you mean!
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This is such a dilemma – I struggle with it all the time. I am often too gutless to say what I really want to say – you are a good example Diana!
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Julie I don’t think you’re gutless at all. You’re one of the bravest people I know. You’ve had to say some pretty hard things and you’ve said them.
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Yes but I have to get more assertive with the evil brother-in-law and his evil wife – haha!
Actually, I am serious here (long story)
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Want me to slap ’em around a bit? 🙂
I’m sure you’ll figure it out soon…you’ve had a lot on your plate!
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Yes please – come over and slap them!
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(smiling) Too bad on I don’t live just down the road, huh? (hugs)
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I wish you did!
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Interesting thoughts. This is a question I constantly ask myself. I truly wish to avoid conflict, avoid hurting feelings, avoid damaging people or relationships in any way… and I hate to feel that I’m being critical or judgmental. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve begun to worry that this way of being has let my critical thinking skills begin to atrophy. Sometimes it’s alright to judge… criticism is necessary to develop personal opinion. I’ve been rethinking my philosophy… this post came at a good time for me.
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I hear you on this! It is definitely a work-in-progress for me.
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I like to think I’ve gotten better at not saying everything I think as I’ve gotten older!
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I’m sure you have! Thanks for stopping by. 🙂
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