When I was in grade nine, my brother told me that when I got married the guy would be thinking, “Man she looks beautiful!” Sweet huh?
And then he added, “But he’ll take one look at you the next morning and run away screaming!”
Early Sunday morning, I woke up trying to remember the dream I just had before it slipped away as dreams usually do when you don’t give them a second thought.
I was in a pool hall leaning against the wall, pool cue in hand, waiting for my turn. Yes I’ve been known to play. And I was all decked out in a suit that I wear to work. There was a blond woman beside me, also dressed in her business clothes. I didn’t recognize her as someone I know, but she turned to me and said, “You sure aren’t the person you used to be,” as she waved her hand in front of me to indicate the clothes I was wearing. In a similar hand-sweeping motion in her direction I said, “You’re all dressed up too!” She nodded, “But I’m most comfortable in jeans, that’s when I feel the most like myself.”
I questioningly raised my eyebrow at the memory of the dream. I shook it off, got up and started my day.
After my morning ritual was done. I went out to pick up some items I needed. Part way through my morning I made a horrifying discovery.
I HAD FORGOTTEN TO PUT MY FACE ON!!
I wasn’t wearing a stitch of makeup! I ALWAYS at least apply mascara. My blond eyelashes make my eyes look small and frankly, in my humble opinion, I looked stoned without mascara.
OK, I told myself, there’s no need to panic. Hasn’t everyone so far responded to your friendly greetings and smile in kind? It’s no big deal. I mean really. Get a grip!
As my heart rate slowed to normal, I began thinking maybe I should make this a tradition. Maybe on Sundays, I’ll just take a break from make-up. Why not?
At this point my dream came back to me. Don’t get me wrong, I feel great in a power suit at work – it makes me feel professional – like I’m an expert or something. (Why doesn’t my knowledge on a subject do that?)
Anyway…before you start rolling your eyes or laughing, know that I’ve tested this ‘How you dress makes a difference’ theory out.
A few years back I set out to prove to a friend that people treat you according to how you dress.
I walked into a store wearing cut-off jeans and a tee-shirt and from the moment I stepped inside that store, its employees were watching me. When I looked in their direction some politely looked away. But others went so far as to pretend they were stocking shelves in the same aisle I just happened to be in.
A few days later I walked into the same store wearing a sharp, tailored suit, high-heeled shoes, and not a hair on my head was out of place. From the moment I stepped into the store, I received courteous nods and smiles. Employees rushed to see if they could help me find something – they were tripping over each other to make sure I had an enjoyable shopping experience.
That’s just the way it is. And just like any other person, I’ve adapted. I’ve figured out how to get what I need by the way I present myself. I’ve figured out the rules of the game, put on my game face and plotted out how I will win.
It may not be right but – that’s just the way it is…
…wait it isn’t right…and I wonder why I play along. I wonder why it matters whether we have make-up on or not. Or why the clothes we wear matter.
I also wonder if this goes further than just outward appearances. Do I say or do things, or alter my beliefs in any way just so that I’m heard? Do I put on a façade so I will be accepted and ‘fit in’? Am I just taking the easy way out so that I don’t have to work so hard to be taken seriously?
Maybe that dream I had Sunday morning was a message from my subconscious.
Because if I’m accepted based on how I’ve adapted to the world, isn’t that a bit like winning by cheating?
I’m not suggesting that we all start wearing sweat pants all the time and stop brushing our teeth or anything like that…
But I do think we should be true to who we are and just like people continued to engage with me sans mascara, I think they will be drawn to who we are when we are true to ourselves.
I don’t just want to be a reasonable facsimile of me.
Do you?
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- Expressing Your Identity With Clothes (cultivatingstyle.com)
mindfuldiary said:
You’re definetly on something here. Can definelty relate in so many ways. Playing roles at work or anywhere we go, try to fit in, is our mind made image of ourselves. Makeup and clothes just help to play the role better, just like actors play in costumes in a theather. Thought provoking post. I too always wear mascara, but lately my weekends are “chose not put on a face days”. Good one, Diana!
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dianasschwenk said:
Thanks! It is like actors playing a role, isn’t it? I have worn mascara every day since that day! hahaha
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mrs fringe said:
I absolutely agree, how we present ourselves has a tremendous impact on how people in the outside world respond to us. That said, a really smart salesperson who works on commission won’t make these assumptions, because you never know. I like heels, wear them a lot because they make me feel…powerful. Why? I dunno, but they do, even paired with jeans as they often are for me. I don’t wear makeup regularly, but I always wear it when there’s anything remotely official on the calendar, or any appt that could potentially be upsetting. Makes me feel like I’ve got my game face on.
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dianasschwenk said:
good points regarding sales people, etc… I am a fundraiser and I work hard not to let appearances dictate how I treat people. I like heels too! I have a pair of boots that make me just 1/2 short of bein 6′ tall! Pow-er-ful!
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mrs fringe said:
Now I’m jealous, my highest heels bring me to about 5’5″ lol!
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dianasschwenk said:
I’m 5’8 barefoot!
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mrs fringe said:
Awesome!
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momentumofjoy said:
I have had this very conversation with my husband. He used to ask me why I would get dressed up to go shopping and I explained that I got better deals and better service. Is it right? No. Is it 100% true? Sadly yes it very much is.
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dianasschwenk said:
yes, but I have to admit that I also make judgments without even being aware of it…
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It's only P! said:
Your looking ‘stoned without mascara’ reminded me of a colleague many years ago. She said if she didn’t apply mascara that her ‘eyes look like piss holes in the snow.’ She was from Liverpool and at first I didn’t get it at all, so she had to repeat herself!
As a dark-haired and dark eyelashed woman I don’t relate to the problem, but her visual sure rubbed in other women’s plight. 😉
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dianasschwenk said:
I’ve never heard that said hahaha! I’ve always been jealous of dark haired and eyelashed women. I tried to get my eyelashes dyed once..that was an interesting experience!
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artsifrtsy said:
I had a friend in college that got a job working for a new Saks Fifth Avenue location in Las Vegas. In his training they told him to treat every customer as though they could buy anything in the store no matter how they presented themselves – give the grumpy lady in a gardening hat and overalls the same treatment as the woman with the thousand dollar purse. It’s smart business, but it’s also unfortunate that it makes a difference. I’m glad that I can skate by as a creative and be a bit odd without it affecting my professional reception. Nice post – makes you think.
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dianasschwenk said:
Wow smart store! Thanks, always, for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
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joannerambling said:
What a great post today and oh so something I can relate to……….my nan would never leave the house without her face on…………..lol
Me when I am going out shopping I get “dressed up”.
Yes I have been known to judge some people by how they are dressed and by some people I mean my husbands family who usually look like something the cat dragged in even when going to a wedding or funeral………
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dianasschwenk said:
I used to drive my daughter to school with my PJs on and hope I wouldn’t be pulled over or in any sort of accident! I knew a woman who had to do her hair and makeup before getting gas or going to the corner store. A few year back I threw out my “ugly” clothes so that I would never be tempted to go out in ripped up sweat shirts, etc 🙂
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Wyrd Smythe said:
I think there’s probably a happy medium between dressing up and someone you really aren’t and sweat pants and unbrushed teeth. And it’s probably different for everyone. I know people who really do like being “dressed to the nines.” And then there’s those like me who only wear clothes at all to prevent being arrested; comfort is my only criteria.
But as you say, clothes communicate a message, and if you want–or need–what they can give you (basically, more respect), then they’re just another tool for getting through life. Again, it’s that balance point we all must find between our inner selves and what we seek to accomplish. I know I’ve paid a price for an attitude and a style many find… let’s say, uncomfortable. But it’s my choice, and what I gain from it is more precious to me than greater success.
As an aside regarding the power of makeup. A long time ago, I was picking up a friend, and she was running late. She was a very fair blonde, and when she opened the door I was stunned at how different her face looked from how I usually saw her. Nothing wrong with the look (was standard for my ex-wife, who used almost no makeup and was also very blonde), but the contrast between the two looks was a real education in what women can do with makeup.
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dianasschwenk said:
yes! So you understand my mascara dilemna??? 😉
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Wyrd Smythe said:
Totally! It’s really tough sometimes trying to choose between being effective and being true to (or happy with) yourself.
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dianasschwenk said:
Hmmm I find I’m not effective when I’m not true to myself, maybe for a brief second, but then it fizzles! Often when I feel sad or anxious, I can trace it back to not being true to myself…. weird huh?
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Wyrd Smythe said:
Not at all. That’s just the universe trying to tell you something! 😉
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Brigitte said:
D, I’m all for going a day or two sans makeup although it’s difficult for me to show my public “image” without at least some mascara and a little bit of lipstick. People do judge on appearance — we all do, unfortunately. I think when we take the time to dress up a bit (with clothes or makeup) we feel better and maybe our persona projects that and draws people to us.
Not sure, but I’m all about leaving the face “off” when needed. ;).
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dianasschwenk said:
a good point – it could just boost our confidence and help us put forth who we are and what we know…
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changeforbetterme said:
When I wore makeup it was only when I had a job. I usually worked retail or in offices. So makeup made me feel stronger somehow. I could be some one else. Because the “real” me is really shy and quiet. But, when I wore makeup I was outgoing and talkative. Now I”m “retired” sorta, kinda, and I never wear makeup. I am who I am. Too old to be shy anymore 😉
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dianasschwenk said:
Too old to be shy – haha – love it! I like how you say it made you feel stronger…it’s almost like acting and theatrical make up…like you’re playing a role!
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changeforbetterme said:
Yup, it’s how I felt most days. I could be that outgoing person I really wasn’t. Most days it was fun. 😉
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jaimestathis said:
I love it! Also the post about clothes “making” you who you are. I think about these things all the time; it’s such a conundrum!
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dianasschwenk said:
Isn’t it though! Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. 🙂
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Magnolia Beginnings said:
I’ve been trying to decide on a logo and designing new business cards recently. Having worked in male dominated industries, as I will be now, I tend to go for somethng serious and black that makes a strong statement. But I decided this time I’m going purple. It’s me and I like it. My cards are purple and my logo has a magnolia bud in it. Maybe I’ll have to overcome a perception or two of being too soft but that won’t take long and I’ll still be the ME it took this long to be. Maybe the mascara goes next! : ) Love this post!
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dianasschwenk said:
Purple is the colour of sanguines – the social, outgoing, bubbly, friendly folk! May as well start out true to yourself up front – love it!
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billgncs said:
maybe we are vulnerable without coverings, clothes, powersuits and makeup, and the covering is armor against others….
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dianasschwenk said:
You know…that sure wouldn’t surprise me in my case. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by Bill!
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Louise G. said:
When I present on living my one and only passionate life, I always tell people the story of the man who said to me, when I told him I see him as a magnificent human being, “You need better glasses.”
I want you to know I see you as a magnificent human being so that when we connect, we are connecting through our magnificence, I told him. I don’t want to connect through the adapted self we think we are, or think the world sees when they see us. I want to connect through our magnificence.
As much as possible, I make it a habit now to not wear make-up on weekends. I love the freedom to simply operate from my magnificent self, not my adapted being, or, ‘my facsimile’ (love that!)
These are really important questions you raise Diana — we can’t be real if we’re not willing to see the realness of eachother — and we are each of us magnificent!
Hugs. Hope you have a fabulous day being your magnificent self — which is so cool because, magnificence doesn’t care if you’re wearing mascara or not! Your eyes are bright regardless!
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dianasschwenk said:
What a great story Louise! I now need reading glasses myself which isn’t all bad because when I look in the mirror without them I look pretty good for an old gal! hehehe
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jmgoyder said:
This is so fascinating! I remember I had to stop wearing mascara a few years ago because my left eye kept getting infected. I felt naked for ages! But I really like the many nuances of this post – thank you Diana!
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you Julie, glad you enjoyed it. 🙂
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Rishabh Upadhyay said:
oh,, i like the ending part so much. So off course that we must first be honest to our self and then have trust on our near and dear once that they love us for what kind of human we are, not what kind of makeup we wear.
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dianasschwenk said:
Thank you.
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cyclingrandma said:
I feel that way about lipstick and earrings. Have those on, and I’m dressed!
Good post!
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dianasschwenk said:
Thanks! I have a friend who swears by the power of lipstick!
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