Tags
alone, community, courage, Diana Schwenk, family, friends, world issues
We need each other. All of us. We cannot be alone. ~ Ellen Sussman
I had dinner on Wednesday with some dear friends who will be leaving the country soon.
Our conversation centered on how we in North America are so bought into a certain way of thinking.
It’s more about ‘I’ than ‘us.’
It’s more about taking care of me than it is about needing each other.
We believe we represent the majority in this thinking, but we don’t.
When someone needs another we often see them as weak, lacking clear boundaries or being too co-dependent.
The sad part about this is that deep down I sometimes believe it too.
I feel weak when I need someone.
On some level I buy into the idea that if I don’t need anyone
I can’t be hurt.
By keeping others at an arm’s length I can protect myself.
On another level I know that this thinking is detrimentally wrong.
My heart and spirit need intimacy and the support of others.
As two are better than one, so three or more united together is the better still…
Do you buy into it too?
How do you stay connected?
talktodiana 
Thank you too for this post was a pleasure to read it.
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I think sometimes people are afraid to accept they need someone to take care of them …maybe it’s because we don’t want to show our weakness …and yes I believe that in life are moments when we can show it and moments we can’t…that’s why it’s so hard for us to show our true emotions and have trust in others…and it’s not true ,disappointment isn’t more painful than loneliness ,because no one can stay lonely forever…
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no one can stay lonely forever….I like that line. Thank you for stopping by and reading my post and leaving your thoughts behind…
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Sadly, there are times when I buy into this too. When life gets very heavy, sometimes I need to step back. From there, it’s all to easy to slip from taking a breath to isolating. I’m always grateful for good friends, both face to face and those who meet me in cyberland. It’s easier to receive support when you’re also offering it.
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very true. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.
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Loneliness is quiet sadness behind tall fences. I try to not pretend about myself, and how my life is. It seems that many people only want others to know the good things about their lives and that builds walls around them. I have noticed that when we see the imperfections, we also dare to open up and be honest. We let our fences down, and dare to be ourselves. Vulnerable, yes, but ourselves. Great post Diana!
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Thanks it’s so true – something about keeping up appearances so one is ‘as together’ as the others who may also be keeping up appearances. 🙂
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Wise words as always, am trying to learn that asking for help might not mean that I’m weak or less capable but just human…It’s taking a while! Hope to have the chance to get back to writing too, crazy busy summer is almost over, I had thought it was over this week but of course more has come up, next week I’ll try to look after myself instead… No promises tho.
Take care lovely x
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Yes I’ve missed your writing and I hope you get a bit of a break. Take care of you. xo
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I like what you wrote… “My heart and spirit need intimacy and the support of others” I had built such strong tall walls, it has been hard to tear them down. But through the grace of God, I am tearing them down, brick by brick, day by day….
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I relate to your journey and wish you success and joy!
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God hears me prayers and sent me plenty of angels on earth through wordpress! 🙂
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I read a poem on another blog ‘Jennifer’s Journal’ this morning that sums up this sentiment – especially the warning in the last four lines ….have a read….
http://jenniferkellandperry.wordpress.com/2012/09/03/take-my-advice/
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Thanks Elizabeth it’s a beautiful poem! I took a longer look around as well and am now following. Thanks again. 🙂
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This was where we met…I forgot which post brought you and your blog into my life. 🙂
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I love this online community. I love community period. I love that I met you through Elizabeth!
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Thanks to Elizabeth of course.
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(smiling) Jennifer, I just re-read the poem and it is still wonderful!
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Thanks, Diana. A piece from my young and bitter days. lol
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I help anyone who I think needs my help but I never seek help myself.
To give a contrary view to your post…
Not wanting help or to be part of a group is not isolationist, it’s just that some people don’t need others (just as other people do need others).
I’m a natural loner (so was my father and my grandfather) its a part of who we are as family members. Perhaps its learned behaviour but I do think of myself as someone who helps, not someone who would ever need help.
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Thanks for reading my post and sharing your view point. I’m a bit of a loner myself and have pretty much lived my life the way you describe. Over the last few years (10 or so) I’ve become aware that I need to be connected more, to belong somewhere I guess…
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Perhaps it depends on what is meant by needing help.
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I had serious cancer last year – the doctor didn’t expect me to make it. I never asked for help.
But I’m nothing special, no hero here, it’s just that in some families people are uber-loners. IMHO.
And, there is nothing wrong with people seeking help or needing others.Good luck to them.
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I’m glad you made it. 🙂
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Perhaps, I’m thinking if I had to move a fridge, I couldn’t do it myself! Also, I don’t think it’s just about help…sometimes we need company, or we build a family, or we need someone so we can tell our joke. 😉
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On your blog page “About Me,” you write the following:
“I believe in collaboration. I believe in building community.”
What is collaboration but recognizing we need each other; and what is community but a group of people being together and doing something(s) together because doing so meets a very basic need?
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I totally agree.
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Yes so many people do that and feel if they need someone else then they are weak or in some way a lesser person………………I am not one of those people but I reckon anyone who reads my blogs know that already…….
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LOL Joanne! Good for you hahaha…
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I’m not sure when we westerners became so individualistic but it is definitely a self-centred way of living.
Conversely I am rather averse to being needed (probably because I am so needed) so I try very hard not to need others – does that make sense?
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yup it does! Don’t we treat others the way we want them to treat us?
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I don’t think it’s possible to thrive in a vacuum. I have to find times to recharge though. I work very hard and although I work with people everyday, work trumps relationship most times. I tend to disconnect on weekends – resting up and letting go of stress. I know it’s better for me to connect with those that enrich me – those who feed my soul. I think I’ll go do that now:)
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Have fun! But I do hear you on retreating and recharging after a work week. 🙂
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“Arm’s length, instead of out of reach. Even the language tells us we want independence not to be alone, we want someone there when we reach out. When we learn we are connected to all other beings, and become we instead of “I” is when we begin to experience more joy and less pain. As is said in many cultures, joy shared is doubled, sorrow shared is halved.
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Wow that’s very insightful.. arm’s length is closer than out of reach! Thanks Keith.
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“Arm’s length” is an interesting phrase. Does it result in superficial friendships? For the needy, a superficial friend is not a friend at all.
It is, rather, like glimpses of a wonderful garden where others are gathered – that you are not quite deserving of. There is laughter, conversation, hugs and slaps on the back; but the needy is fearful of stepping inside the circle that others don’t even notice is there for fear of being squeezed out yet again.
“By keeping others at an arm’s length I can protect myself.”
When others keep me at arm’s length, or I keep myself at arm’s length, I am very much unprotected. At arm’s length there is no security from the elements, no warmth from being part of the group. Instead, there is isolation, cold and hurt.
I stay in my house, you stay in yours. I hear you laughing, talking, enjoying being part of something bigger than yourself, and I am bereft.
In summary, I am not connected.
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yes Jelaine, very wise words…that is the outcome… there is no logic to doing it..yet I do so sometimes…this journey is about learning and it’s important to keep trying for those connections.
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“arm’s length” is an interesting phrase.
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isn’t it, it rang true when I typed it…why do you say interesting? What does it suggest to you?
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I sometimes have that feeling that if I stay alone on my island I won’t be hurt. But, it tends to get very lonely. As a human I think loneliness is one of the most hurtful feelings. We do crazy things and think crazy thoughts when we get lonely. We are social creatures by nature. I don’t like to admit that, even to myself. Maybe it because I’ve been let down and hurt so many times I would prefer lonely to hurting. Or maybe I’m just rambling.
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You are definitely NOT rambling. I so relate to your words. In my case it applies to my relationships with men in the past. I never really let them in because I’ve been hurt in the past, so they never really go anywhere. It’s funny, in most other areas of my life I can be vulnerable and open….
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I understand completely. For me it’s not just with men, it’s with everyone. And that’s sad. But, I’m working on opening up more.
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Maybe we can encourage each other! 🙂
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Absolutely! 🙂
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I sometimes think some of this comes from the “Me” decade of the 1970s. That seems to have led to a “got mine” sensibility that often trades personal gain at the expense of others. We sometimes seem to me to now be lost among our toys and “self-actualization” paths. We forget we are part of one thing, one world, one people.
As someone who has loved and lost many times (well, every time), I can really relate to your words here. Maybe it’s helpful to draw a line between “need” (which we’ve been trained to think of as “weak”) and “want” or “desire.” Maybe there is a difference between feeling we are somehow “incomplete” (which we never really are) and feeling we can be “elevated” by others in our lives.
We’re not glasses of water. We can be full of life and joy, but there is always room for more!
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Very true! I would also like to add, spurred on by your comment, that I believe in our search to make ourselves happy at the expense of the whole, we have lost even our own happiness. For example, if I am sad, I can try to help myself by drinking or distracting myself in some way, or I can reach out to another sad person, be there for them and if I am able to help, even by just listening, I am filled with joy. At least, that’s been my experience. What do you think?
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Absolutely! I think one of the great discoveries in life is finding the joy that comes from helping others.
(Of course, the drinking and distractions can be fun in their place as well!) 😉
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(smiling) yeah sometimes it’s good to escape for a bit…as long as you come back..
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I related to every word. The most striking phrase from the small part of th RNC convention that I was able to watch, sat me up and I wrote it down. “The individual is stronger than the collective.”. I still think I must have heard it wrong. I need to learn to get off my horse, tear down some walls, and stop being so hard headed.
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Katie, I think many of us question this way of thinking, Thank you for sharing your thoughts. What is RNC?
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Republican National Committee- the convention in Tampa where Gov. Romney was officially nominated this week.
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Oh haha! I’m Canadian so I’m not up on the latest in American politics…thanks for answering my question! 🙂
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With these marketing spinmeisters running the elections…maybe I should go up there until it is time to vote 😉
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C’mon up, I’ll introduce you to poutine and even lend you a tuque if you’re cold!
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One of the most powerfully healing moments I had in my meditation group was the realization and the knowing… I am not alone. We are all connected.
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(smiling) yes we are connected – all of us. Sometimes I just need to be reminded. Always a pleasure to hear from you Louise!
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It is sad but I think we all do this when in reality ‘no man is an island’
We should feel secure enough to know it’s just a fact of life that we rely on one another.
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yes, it seems to be easier to do on first world countries because we can survive without each other…elsewhere one’s very survival depends on the family and community much as it did here 200+ years ago
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